hey. I dont know how to start this, but I’m just gonna try my best.
So since maybe late January, I’ve been struggling a little with my mental health because of a relationship I was in. And the problem wasn’t the relationship itself, it was that we were both in very different positions in our life. He wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and I’m in the N-Level period right now. But before I get into anything else, I will give some background on me and him.
For me as you can infer, I am 16 this year and I will be taking my N-levels. I didn’t bother about the idea of dating anymore because I have been through a lot and I have made past those said things and moved on. I was in my “I don’t need a boyfriend and I’ll be okay on my own” stage at the time. I didn’t bother even giving a ■■■■ about guys.
For him, I will not give out much info but he was in a year-long, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship that he just got out of and did not want to be in the game, same as me. He needed time to heal and move on from the relationship he was just in.
That’s how it kind of started. I met him a year ago, in December 2024. We were both just friends and acquaintances, nothing more. And since then, we didn’t really talk much but we were still friends, just those really distanced ones. And then fast forward to the end of 2025, we started talking again. We started being closer and closer then I ended up telling him everything I went through, why I am the way I am, why and how I became someone like me. He knew it all from A-Z.
And I was so over the moon because for the first time it was as if someone finally understood me. I never had that sort of experience even once. I never had someone I could talk to and he would fully understand why I am the way I am. And I was so grateful that he showed me that I could be understood like how he understood me.
The “issue” is that we were only friends. We only saw each other as friends and it was quite mutual until there was a turn. It was a few days before new years, we decided to watch fireworks together in a group of 4. Me, him, my friend and her boyfriend. I thought it was going to be a casual thing and I was happy because I’d be spending that day with people I care about most. Fast forward a day before New Years Eve (the day we planned to go out on), that my friend and her boyfriend would be leaving earlier than us because she had church. So then it became a one-on-one thing. I did not really expect it honestly. But it was fine because we were just friends, right?
Next day, we went out as a group still but with the fact that my friend had to leave earlier than me. But throughout the day, we got closer. Like as in, a romantic way where he carried my bags and held my hand kind of way. Then eventually, we ended up confessing a little when the fireworks were set off. After the day ended our relationship started.
When it started, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. Genuinely my energy had shot up 200%. I was genuinely overjoyed. But it wasn’t because he did all these things for me that made me fall deeply for him, it was just solely because he was him. I made a choice to love him and I wanted to stick to my decision and nine times out of ten I probably will for the rest of my life. I loved the way he geeked over his interest and hobbies and how he never fears to speak his mind. It all made me happy, just to see his genuine, authentic self.
Then maybe 3 weeks later on 19-20th January, we broke up and this is where My introduction comes in. We were both in different positions in life. He stated that he is in no position to want a relationship and he genuinely needs to focus on himself as he has not been healed from the so mentioned past relationship he had. Everything in me wanted to hold him back but I know I shouldn’t. I know how it is like to be held in a position where you have stated you wanted to get out of. So who was I to stop him?
I let him go as much as I didn’t want to. I knew it wouldn’t get any better even if he stayed or I begged. And I haven’t been the same since. Problem is, what I felt for him has never been expressed to any other lifeform the same. He was the only one who I gave my truth and word for. I promised him I’d stay and this is where I am right now. I haven’t moved an inch since then.
It’s not like I am asking for advice, It’s the fact that I cannot hold it in or suppress it any longer. It’s because I knew I loved him with my entire heart and that’s why it hurts so much. I know I gave him my all but he left not because it wasn’t enough, but because it isn’t what he needs. What he needs is to work on himself and I know that, but I’m having such a ■■■■ time processing it all. I know that I have my whole life ahead of me and it is not good to call one man the one I can’t get over, but that’s what it’s feeling like right now.
I’m not sure if he will come back. But time will pass and tell. But the thing is he was still the person I wanted to spend my life with. I know I’m too young to know all this but at the same time I’ve been through so much it feels as if like I do know what I am talking about. And it’s not that I don’t want to move from the position I am in right now, it’s that I know I can’t at my current moment in time. I know that I’m too broken to be fixed. But it has been taking a major toll on my mental health.
I want to be okay, I want to be healed. But I know in the timeframe I’m in I won’t be for awhile. And that sucks so bad, because I know I’m so capable of so much more. I know I could’ve done better than him. But I don’t want better, I want him. He has been the most straight-forward, kindest, sweetest and most caring person I’ve met so far in my life and it hurts because he isn’t here anymore. I want to tell him everything I have achieved so far but we aren’t even in contact anymore. I want to be there for him, but I just have to be at a distance. Because that if I’m not, he won’t be able to regain himself. This is a journey he needs to handle himself before even considering a relationship, let alone me.
Unfortunately, I will still be waiting beside the pavement we watched the fireworks from. Even if he doesn’t come back, I still remember those memories he gave me. I will forever cherish them as he has been the most precious person in my whole life and I know that he’ll do great, see people and go places. I know he’ll do absolutely great in life, even if I am not there with him. If the right time ever comes I hope he knows that I’ll still be here, welcoming him with open arms. He’ll be the only person who can ever get this close to me, and I just hope he is doing well.
Now about my mental health, I haven’t been doing great at all if you couldn’t tell. I have only gotten worse and I have been crying literally around 6-7 times a day. And I was doing okay during early February, but now it has been the worst part of my day ever. Just having to exist and think about the times and memories we spent with each other? Yeah it will begin to make anyone go insane.
And as EAE, coursework and everything else comes nearer, the more stressed out I get. And the situation with him does NOT help. I just want to be normal and go through the day without having to think about how wrong of a state I am in right now. I just hope he isn’t doing as bad as me, because he deserves to be happy. I would never want to ever see him distraught or upset. But now I don’t know since these past two weeks I’ve been super under the weather and I even cry in front of people I normally would never consider crying to.
Like I said earlier, I’m not looking for advice I just want to be heard and listened to. If anything I still care for him but from a distance. I hope the person reading this has been doing well and I hope you know you won’t be alone, because you have this community to listen to you :). Hope you guys do better!! And I’ll try my best to be happier <3
Always & Forever,
ella<3
Wish you all the best 