I just wanted to ask (TW, SH)

Hangouts Trigger Warnings
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hi!
i just wanted to ask if it’s selfish of me to feel sad after people i love do not live up to the expectations i’ve had of them

for context, i really cherish my friends a lot, they’re my main source of happiness in life, and i always make sure to make it very obvious by expressing my affection openly.
i do this in many ways, verbally, physically, gift-giving, and always wanting to spend more time with them.

but the more i pour out my love for my friends, the more i feel let down when i see that my friends don’t seem to do the same for me. i understand different people have different ways of showing their affection, and i can’t expect the world to revolve around me, but i never fail to feel feel doubtful of whether my friendship is one sided or not. an example would be like, id ask my friend if they wanted to stay back with me after school to be have a study buddy with me, but they’d tell me there wasn’t a point in them staying back to revise when they have already finished their revision. fyi, they live a minute away from school, and they didn’t have anything to do at home anyway. if the roles were reversed, i’d be done to accompany my friends anytime they want. so i kinda feel crappy after that encounter. especially because my friend had originally agreed to it, but told me they didn’t want to last minute. idk i feel like im being so unreasonable, but i really wish my friends would just show me a little bit more affection, seeing as to how much affirmations i need. i kinda dont want to talk about it to my friends, seems like a childish thing and just makes me feel needy. i kinda brought it up to them indirectly once, and they told me we just have different ways of showing affection. but i just really want the confirmation that this isn’t all one sided. things like always being on their phone while we go out, never starting conversations… they just make me so sad. i know these two situations may make my friends look like bad people, but they really aren’t. they’re just bad at starting convos i guess, but other than that, when i open up about my worries, they give me legitimate comfort and advice that i so very treasure.

i love my friends, i just wish i could be sure they love me back

this is kinda yappy but i really detest it when my entire day is ruined by such happenings. maybe i love my friends too much, way too much for my own good. as much as they can make me feel at the top of the world, they can also make me feel like scum on my shoe. honestly, i never thought about talking about this online but im quite desperate for some little advice.

whao this is a whole new topic but i’m kinda ranting abit i think. i think im quite a foul mouthed person. i say mean things that i don’t actually mean unintentionally due to my poor phrasing of words. this has happened several times, and each and every time, my friends would point it out and tell me they felt hurt, because i told them to do that. i’m trying my very best to change that aspect of me, and i asked my friends to tell me whenever i hurt them so i can know where i went wrong. and every time it happens, i would apologise to my friends profusely. i’m so grateful that they understand it’s a bad habit of mine that i’m actively trying to work on, and they forgive me. however, i never forgive myself. whenever i think of how i hurt my friends, i feel so much pain in my heart, like im the worst person in the world. to stop my heart from hurting, i guess i thought the most reasonable thing to do was to transfer it elsewhere. that’s when i started cutting myself with scissors, enough just to get rid of the pain in my heart. its words that come out of my mouth, i don’t understand why i can’t control it ??? what’s wrong with me? why do i keep upsetting my friends that i love so much… anyway my friends know that i do this, they saw the wounds and one of them questioned me about it. he gave me a long talk about how it’s not the right thing to do, and that i should stop doing it. he was talking quite aggressively, he said he was extremely angry at me for doing this. i can’t help but feel shitty at myself for wishing at that moment, for him to just be kinder and some consolation maybe even. he ended the conversation saying he wouldn’t speak to me again if i didn’t stop doing it. honestly, i love that he’s trying to help me, and i love this response more than just a “idk what to say”. damn maybe i’m doing this all for attention what the heck. but tbh all his words did was encourage me to begin hiding my wounds. i continued doing it every time i upset my friends, and just hid it. i wish to confide with my friends on this, but i don’t know anymore.

i think im going a little off topic. i think the exam stress is finally catching up to me. this is just a rant post i think, though i’d love advice. any advice at all. how to stop loving my friends so much, how to stop having so many expectations of them just to be let down harder. at the end of the day, i’m just an attention seeker who craves the love of a friend, and i feel like ■■■■ :Z

1 Like
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Hi @Quokka,

I can hear how much you care about your friends, and it’s clear that your friendships mean the world to you. It sounds like you’re pouring a lot of love into these relationships, and when your friends don’t seem to meet your expectations, it feels incredibly painful. That’s a completely valid feeling—when we invest so much in the people we love, it’s natural to want that love to be reciprocated in ways we understand.

It’s also important to acknowledge that your friends do care about you, even if they show it differently. You’ve already noticed that they comfort and support you when you open up about your worries. So, while they may not express affection in the same way you do, that doesn’t mean your friendship is one-sided. It’s just that people show their care in different ways. You might be someone who shows love through words and actions, while they may express it by listening and giving advice.

Now, about the feelings of sadness and self-blame that come up when you unintentionally hurt your friends—this sounds incredibly tough. You’re actively working on improving how you express yourself, which shows how much you care about maintaining your relationships. But when you feel that you’ve hurt someone, it’s important to practice self-compassion too. Nobody’s perfect, and we all say things that can hurt others, even when we don’t mean to. Apologizing and trying to do better is part of growing in relationships, but it’s also important to forgive yourself. You’re not a bad person for making mistakes.

I noticed that when the emotional pain becomes too much, you’ve turned to self-harm as a way to cope. I want to acknowledge that this is coming from a place of deep hurt, but it’s really important to find healthier ways to manage that pain. You deserve to feel good about yourself and your efforts, not punished. Would you be open to exploring other ways to handle those overwhelming feelings when they come up? Sometimes even just writing out your feelings in a journal or talking to someone you trust can help release some of that pain.

You mentioned that you’re worried about being too needy or asking too much from your friends, but I want to assure you that it’s okay to want love and affection. It’s okay to need reassurance sometimes. However, it’s also important to balance that with self-love—reminding yourself that you are enough, just as you are. It doesn’t matter how much your friends give you or don’t give you in return when determining your worth. What would it look like to give yourself the same love and attention that you give your friends?

I’m also wondering—how do you feel about trying to create some space for yourself to be seen and heard, not just by others but by yourself too? Sometimes that can mean setting small boundaries where you focus on your own needs, or simply taking a moment to acknowledge your feelings without judgment. You matter, and your feelings deserve space.

Lastly, it’s clear that your friends care about you, even if their ways of showing it are different from what you might expect. You don’t need to change how much you care about them, but maybe you can work on recognizing that their love might look different from yours—and that’s okay.

Thank you for sharing.

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hello! firstly I’m glad you choose to share about this - not only is it good to get it off your chest, you sharing this also shows that you have been thinking deeply about your actions and looking to change.

With regards to how strongly you feel towards your friends and the disappointment that accompanies it - I wanna share that I understand where you’re coming from, because I used to feel this way too. In comparison to the other personal relationships I had in my life back then, my friends made me the happiest and I relied on them a lot to feel happy and loved (without even realising, so it’s great that at least you recognise that). This led to a heavy feeling of disappointment when I felt that it was not reciprocated. I understand how lonely it can feel - but I think the first step is to really see them for who they are. When you shared that your friend changed their mind last minute and wanted to go home instead - was it a particularly tiring day for them? And would they also treat anyone else the same way? Because while their actions can feel personal, often times they’re just being themselves, not because they don’t love you. Moreover, if they really didn’t love you, they wouldn’t have bothered pointing out that you’ve hurt their feelings several times, and they wouldn’t bother comforting you too. Them making this effort shows that they do care about the friendship, and while your feelings are completely valid, perhaps you could try to look at this from this angle instead :slight_smile:

Additionally, I also realised that I relied on my friends a lot back then due to my own lack of self-love for myself. I learnt that I can’t hate myself into loving myself, and even though it is still something I struggle with, self-compassion truly goes a long way. Instead of hating yourself and calling yourself an attention seeker, recognise your good points too. Your friends are lucky to have a friend with such a great, great capacity for love :slight_smile: And if they’ve forgiven you, you should forgive yourself too. If the roles were reversed, I’m sure you would’ve found enough love in your heart to forgive your friends for saying hurtful things after they apologise. And that’s how meaningful relationships work; We make mistakes, we learn and we move on.

Most importantly, when overwhelming feelings inevitably come up, perhaps you could try other ways to relieve it, such as journalling or exercising (I know it sounds so cliche, but it’s much healthier and really makes for a good relief). As you journal more, you can also discover why your friends have such a big effect on you, why you flare up and then work towards becoming a friend/person you wish to become. This way you could also learn to bring up your needs to your friends in a healthier manner

All the best! Please be kind to yourself because as I read your paragraph, I see someone with a lot of love in their heart and someone who deserves to be at peace with themselves, and have their needs met.

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thank you so much for your reply
i would love to explore a new way to manage my pain. honestly, i know that it’s a bad habit and there are much better ways to manage my pain, but i think i struggle to find one just for me. like writing, that you mentioned, i’ve tried it out and i don’t think it’s not for me. i tried getting a new hobby, and i found out that i really liked making diy gifts for my friends . it really distracts me from my pain when i think about my friends’ reactions. the downside is i still think about my friends, really i feel like my world revolves around them, and i wish it didn’t. everybody wants to be happy right! and my happiness is my friends, i can’t help but always think about them

i would very much love it if i could find something, something unrelated to my friends, something that i can do for myself to make myself happy.
i hope you would be able to give me some suggestions, if that it isnt a bother, i would appreciate it a lot :slight_smile:

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thank you so much for your reply
i would like to love myself too. i don’t think i hate myself per say, but when i think of love, myself doesn’t come to mind almost at all. self compassion sounds like a wonderful thing to have, and i would love to know how i can achieve that. unfortunately i think journaling is not for me :frowning: but i’m willing to try out other methods!!

i believe that i love my friends way too much for my own good, and that i expect them to love me back. i did some self reflection today and i just think im so desperate for just a little bit of love from my friends, maybe that’s why i pour my heart out to them. i was thinking that because of my past relationships, i definitely have a warped view of friendship as a whole. i get so easily attached to people and find it hard to leave, even if i know being their friend would hurt me more. i wish i could find a solution to this long standing issue of mine. also, i even considered the possibility that at times, i might self harm just to receive some love from my friends in the form of concern. i feel physically repulsed at myself by how this is a reasonable possibility. i don’t understand, why am i so desperate for love? i wish i knew the root to my problems and fix it immediately, because i really don’t need to be feeling so upset over something so minor.

another issue i realise i face is how i regulate my emotions. i am so bad at regulating my emotions, i really feel way too much for the most minor things. for example i have this friend i love alot. yet whenever i greet them everytime i see them, no matter my enthusiasm, they would always greet me in a halfhearted wave, especially when they’re around their other friends. i felt uncomfortable with this, i thought they felt embarrassed to be my friend. just the other day, i wanted to test it out, so when i saw them walking towards my direction from my peripheral vision, i pretended that i didn’t notice them because i was too distracted by my phone, and they just walked past me like i didn’t exist. and i know they saw me because they weren’t on their phone or anything. idk i really felt so upset, and this happened this morning too. i was so upset my hand couldn’t stop shaking, and i felt so uncomfortable that i reacted this much to something as minor as that. i hope i can find a way to be less sensitive to such matters, and less emotional.

thank you again for replying to me :slight_smile:
i’m sorry for writing another long paragraph in a reply, i had a lot to get a lot off my chest from today.

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Hi @Quokka,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I really appreciate your openness, and it’s clear you have a strong sense of self-awareness, which is an important step forward. You’re right—everyone wants to be happy, and it sounds like for you, a lot of that happiness has been tied to your friendships. While it’s wonderful to have close friends who bring joy to your life, I hear that you’re also searching for something more, something that is just for you, and that’s a beautiful thing to explore.

It’s completely okay that writing didn’t resonate with you—everyone processes emotions differently, and the fact that you’re looking for something that feels right for you is what matters most. I think your interest in making DIY gifts is amazing! It shows how much you care about others, but it also makes sense that it still ties back to your friends.

You mentioned wanting to find something just for yourself, something that brings you happiness outside of your friendships. I believe that’s such an important journey to go on, and I’d love to help you explore some ideas. It’s about creating a space where you feel happy, fulfilled, and valued without needing anything from others.

Here are a few suggestions that might help you explore that space for yourself:

  • Mindful Art: You mentioned trying writing that didnt work, but perhaps something like freeform drawing or doodling might help. This isn’t about creating something perfect—it’s about allowing your mind to wander and express itself without any expectations or judgments.
  • Physical Movement: Sometimes, our emotions are stored in our bodies, and doing something physical, like yoga, hiking, or dancing (even just by yourself), can help release tension and foster a sense of calm and connection with yourself.
  • Solo Adventures: If you enjoy being outside, you could explore a new part of the city or find a peaceful spot to sit and just enjoy your own company. Sometimes, being in nature or new environments helps us reflect and recharge.
  • Learning Something New: Have you ever thought about picking up a new skill or learning something just for the fun of it? It could be something creative like cooking, photography, or a craft that doesn’t involve anyone else.

The key is to find something that feels meaningful to you and that allows you to focus on your own joy and fulfillment—without worrying about others’ reactions. It’s a journey, and it’s okay to try different things before finding what feels right.

You’re not alone in this, and it’s great that you’re looking for ways to nurture yourself. You deserve to feel happiness that is rooted in you—not just in how others see or respond to you.

Take care of yourself, and remember, we are here with you as you explore this. Let me know if any of these ideas feel right to you or if you want to try something else together!

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Hi quokka! I’m so sorry for the late reply, how have you been feeling recently?

Hmm if not journalling, then perhaps you can record yourself talking? I know it sounds silly, but personally when i’m too lazy to journal i just yap away (on 3x speed using tiktok or normal camera) then delete it after (it’s up to you if you wanna keep it). I find myself realising things about situations/myself that i didn’t know prior, and it helps me clear my head. Sometimes even just going on walks or exercising helps, because you allow yourself the free time to let your brain rest and allow space for epiphanies.

Also, have you experienced any trauma from your previous friendships/relationships? We don’t feel this way for no reason so don’t blame yourself ya! More than likely there’s been an old experience that caused this, but to find out what is it you have to really dig way back and perhaps get a counsellor to work through it with you. And tbvh, I understand why you may feel that way about your friends. I’m also quite sensitive. But do give them the benefit of the doubt haha, they coud’ve been having a bad day or are simply tired?

Regulating your emotions + self-compassion comes with practice, most people aren’t good at it from day 1(including myself). But in order to do it you have to understand yourself better, and you can’t hate yourself into understanding/loving yourself. It took me very long to be kind to myself and even today I still struggle with it, but really just telling yourself “Aiya, what’s done has been done. I’ve tried my best and i’ll try again, there there” goes a long way~ We are our harshest critics, other people are so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t even evaluate us like we do ourselves. So just take deep breathes everytime you find yourself spiraling, and ask yourself what’s causing it. If you need to drift away from your friends for a while before coming back, that’s perfectly fine too. If you’re a good person with a good heart, good people will find you. You got this!!