hi!
i just wanted to ask if it’s selfish of me to feel sad after people i love do not live up to the expectations i’ve had of them
for context, i really cherish my friends a lot, they’re my main source of happiness in life, and i always make sure to make it very obvious by expressing my affection openly.
i do this in many ways, verbally, physically, gift-giving, and always wanting to spend more time with them.
but the more i pour out my love for my friends, the more i feel let down when i see that my friends don’t seem to do the same for me. i understand different people have different ways of showing their affection, and i can’t expect the world to revolve around me, but i never fail to feel feel doubtful of whether my friendship is one sided or not. an example would be like, id ask my friend if they wanted to stay back with me after school to be have a study buddy with me, but they’d tell me there wasn’t a point in them staying back to revise when they have already finished their revision. fyi, they live a minute away from school, and they didn’t have anything to do at home anyway. if the roles were reversed, i’d be done to accompany my friends anytime they want. so i kinda feel crappy after that encounter. especially because my friend had originally agreed to it, but told me they didn’t want to last minute. idk i feel like im being so unreasonable, but i really wish my friends would just show me a little bit more affection, seeing as to how much affirmations i need. i kinda dont want to talk about it to my friends, seems like a childish thing and just makes me feel needy. i kinda brought it up to them indirectly once, and they told me we just have different ways of showing affection. but i just really want the confirmation that this isn’t all one sided. things like always being on their phone while we go out, never starting conversations… they just make me so sad. i know these two situations may make my friends look like bad people, but they really aren’t. they’re just bad at starting convos i guess, but other than that, when i open up about my worries, they give me legitimate comfort and advice that i so very treasure.
i love my friends, i just wish i could be sure they love me back
this is kinda yappy but i really detest it when my entire day is ruined by such happenings. maybe i love my friends too much, way too much for my own good. as much as they can make me feel at the top of the world, they can also make me feel like scum on my shoe. honestly, i never thought about talking about this online but im quite desperate for some little advice.
whao this is a whole new topic but i’m kinda ranting abit i think. i think im quite a foul mouthed person. i say mean things that i don’t actually mean unintentionally due to my poor phrasing of words. this has happened several times, and each and every time, my friends would point it out and tell me they felt hurt, because i told them to do that. i’m trying my very best to change that aspect of me, and i asked my friends to tell me whenever i hurt them so i can know where i went wrong. and every time it happens, i would apologise to my friends profusely. i’m so grateful that they understand it’s a bad habit of mine that i’m actively trying to work on, and they forgive me. however, i never forgive myself. whenever i think of how i hurt my friends, i feel so much pain in my heart, like im the worst person in the world. to stop my heart from hurting, i guess i thought the most reasonable thing to do was to transfer it elsewhere. that’s when i started cutting myself with scissors, enough just to get rid of the pain in my heart. its words that come out of my mouth, i don’t understand why i can’t control it ??? what’s wrong with me? why do i keep upsetting my friends that i love so much… anyway my friends know that i do this, they saw the wounds and one of them questioned me about it. he gave me a long talk about how it’s not the right thing to do, and that i should stop doing it. he was talking quite aggressively, he said he was extremely angry at me for doing this. i can’t help but feel shitty at myself for wishing at that moment, for him to just be kinder and some consolation maybe even. he ended the conversation saying he wouldn’t speak to me again if i didn’t stop doing it. honestly, i love that he’s trying to help me, and i love this response more than just a “idk what to say”. damn maybe i’m doing this all for attention what the heck. but tbh all his words did was encourage me to begin hiding my wounds. i continued doing it every time i upset my friends, and just hid it. i wish to confide with my friends on this, but i don’t know anymore.
i think im going a little off topic. i think the exam stress is finally catching up to me. this is just a rant post i think, though i’d love advice. any advice at all. how to stop loving my friends so much, how to stop having so many expectations of them just to be let down harder. at the end of the day, i’m just an attention seeker who craves the love of a friend, and i feel like ■■■■ :Z