I just hat myself at the moment. I was at a friends 18th birthday party last night and got too drunk, ended up on a walk with my closest friend and started bawlling my eyes out and confessing everything about how nobody would care if i died. (im not suicidal or anything) But it was just built up hatred towards myself due to what others think of me and how i treat other people and how others treat me, im often called annoying, gay (im not), often get made fun of and its chipping away at me. It doesnt help that i dont feel like i have my people, my tribe even, i feel left out and alone often. I went to sleep early one night after asking my friends if they wanted to call 8 of them were online i got 0 replies… Im lucky its almost the end of my school journey and im planning to go to university to an area far from here now. Due to my accent being from a diferent part of the country and being made fun of alot for it. I dont know who i can really talk to other than this website, i wouldnt want to talk to my friend cus i dont want him to judge me / me bothering him too much with my problems (thats why i stopped originally) and im too scared to go speak to any of my teachers about getting help due to my status being quite “high” (im one of the head-students at my school). Im often scared of what people think and i know i shouldnt because nobody cares but i still panic and get scared and i dont know why. Im not sure whats wrong with me right now i wasnt always like this i use to feel alot happier and secure around a year or two ago (might be due to a relationship thats now ended almost a year ago) I cant move on from this girl ive tried dating again but it hasnt worked out. I feel presure to work academically and in general but i have no desire to work or do anything productive and would wrather resorting to doomscrolling or video games (probably to numb my mind? not sure) Im not sure whats wrong with me if theres like a title to what im dealing with but i just hate myself and with i could press reset and start over again and change myself to other peoples liking. Im just not sure what to do, i feel just embarrassed for bawling to my friend and then doubling down by confessing everything, i was at my lowest last night and im not sure what to do.
Hi there DavidDavido, thank you for reaching out!
I can only imagine what you have went through all this time feeling alone and unheard. What happened last night sounds like a moment where everything that had been building up just spilled over and honestly, that’s not something to be embarrassed about. Your friend was there, you were safe, and something real came out. That’s not a failure. It is just the prolong feeling of being alone or being unheard.
All the negative things that were said to you, you or any deserved to be said those things even as a joke, especially when you are uncomfortable about it. That’s a sustained kind of social cruelty, and it makes complete sense that it’s chipping away at you over time. You’re not weak for being affected by it. Anyone would be.
On the part of seeing your 8 friends online but 0 replies, that hits really hit and it makes sense that you are hurt by it. I can’t imagine the emotions you were going through when it happened that night.
On the part that nobody would care if you died, I hear that you are not suicidal, but it is still concerning to hear you have such a thinking. You are clearly in pain, and it shows, this is worth paying attention to. It is telling you something about how unseen and undervalued you are feeling right now. Everyone deserves to be heard and real support, especially you when you have gone on for long feeling this way.
Lastly, you mentioned being scared to speak to any of your teachers to get help due to your status as head-students. I want to challenge that thought, if we view mental health like physical health, it should not have any difference in how people seek help. When you get the flu, your body will try to fight it but there will always be time where it can’t, and you will need to see a doctor. So right now, you have been fighting it on your own and you are nearing or at your limit which is why you need to seek help and should not feel scared or ashamed to do so. Your wellbeing matters more than your reputation.
In a way, by sharing with your friend about it, you have already taken the first step which is usually the hardest, and today you took another step to share it here. You can do it slowly, step by step and maybe the next step you can take is calling Mindline at 1771 or Whatapping at 6669 1771 to speak to someone to have the support you need and deserve.
Dear @DavidDavido , thanks for sharing with us so openly and vulnerably.
I can sense the deep pain that you have had to endure and I would hope that you can eventually see that there is nothing wrong with you.
I can only imagine how overwhelming last night was for you. It seemed like the outpouring of emotions to your friend might have been a rare, but necessary expression of the feelings you have been burying for a long time. I hope to assure you that the embarrassment you feel is only normal and that you always have the option to address them (and even with your friend) again as your feelings start to regulate to a slightly more manageable state.
Aside from last night, it seems like you have been feeling a heavy loneliness for a long time, both from not having your needs met by your friends and having to put up a wall to appear put together in school. The panic and fear that you feel, are sometimes heightened by prolonged suppression of feelings. It is only natural that you fear the outcome of revealing your authentic self, because it can seem like there are stakes involved! But our brain can sometimes rehearse the worst-case scenario until that seems like the more probable outcome. It also seems like there are other sources of stress (academic) and grief (your past relationship) all collapsing on you at the same time. It is a lot to carry for one person.
For a start: do you have school counsellors with whom you can safely share about your feelings?
Please continue talking to us if that helps, we are here for you. 