I need help

For my end-of-semester project in one of my classes, I am in the same group as two of my friends and two other classmates. One of the guys, John, gave me weird vibes from the start. He lied about his name and previous education and mentioned that he likes vandalizing, which made me want to avoid him. However, that didn’t happen. He suddenly became close to two of my friends (who are in the same group as me) and would constantly approach them. Sometimes, when I was nearby, he would say a lot of strange things that creeped me out. For example, once, while we were making a model mouse, he asked my friend if his mouse looked good. When she said it did, he responded, “Yeah, stroke my ego some more.” I was right next to her when he said that.

On the first day we chose our group, John remarked to my friends, “Oh, I never noticed her before,” which they relayed to me. Our class has only 24 people, and we had been in the same class for almost an entire semester. I thought maybe I had no presence and brushed it off. During the second group project session, while my friends and John were talking, I was listening to the teacher. The teacher asked us to write our opinions on a Post-it note. John was holding the Post-it notes, so I told him we needed them to write our opinions. I repeated it because he was just playing with the notes and not acknowledging what I said. I don’t know if he didn’t understand or if I wasn’t speaking clearly, but he suddenly said to me, “Can you shut the f*** up?” My friend and I were shocked. I didn’t know how to respond, so I just stayed silent while he and my friend continued their discussion. Later, my friend told me that before he said that, he had apologized to my friends if he was being rude or annoying.

After that, we needed to take pictures and do some research. John and my friends met up on a Wednesday to work on it, but I couldn’t join because I had to run an errand , so I completed most of my tasks the day before. On Wednesday, John told my friends exactly what they needed to do, and when I asked him what pictures I should take, he gave me a half-hearted response and then told my friends,

“Why is she asking me what she should take?”I asked because i was worried i would miss out something and that he would criticise me for half heartily doing the project

My group was a bit behind schedule, so John wanted to call to do the work. Most of my group mates were free almost every weekday night, but one of my friends was only free on weekend nights. He asked us to specify other days I was free, and every time I gave him a day, he kept saying, “And?” which stressed me out, making me feel like he was pressuring me to provide more dates , i basically stated 5 out of the 6 available days . In the end, he scheduled the call for weekend nights, and one of those nights I wasn’t available due to family matters. I felt like he was catering to one friend and not considering my availability.

We had another day to discuss our project after class. It was quite late, and John was hungry, so he wanted to move to a different location to get food. My friends and I couldn’t stay that late, and he suggested not meeting up. However, we were already at the location waiting for him, so we decided to discuss some things anyway. John eventually arrived, but one group member didn’t come, so we continued discussing without him. During the discussion, he said someone should write down what we were talking about. My friend pulled out her phone to take notes, but he told me I should do it, possibly because I had an iPad. As I was writing, I got confused and stopped. John saw this and told me, “You should write that down.” My friends tried to hold back their laughter. After the meeting, my friends felt like John was treating me like a slave, and I agreed. I felt like he was snapping his fingers in front of my face like I was a dog, and when I tried to explain some criteria we needed to meet, he wouldn’t let me speak.

The final straw was during a call to discuss the project. Before the meeting started, I began feeling stressed and anxious that John would treat me badly, and my heart started racing. Eventually, I calmed down and joined the call. One group mate couldn’t join due to being busy. During the call, we went around in circles, and when the meeting time ended, we decided to text instead. I came up with an idea and sent it to my friend to share with the group. She asked why I didn’t just send it to the group chat, and I told her I was scared. She sent it for me, and I worried John wouldn’t like my idea. My friend said that I had come up with an idea, and without missing a beat, John texted, “I hope you know what you are doing.” At that point, I broke down. I couldn’t handle it anymore; it felt like all the emotions I had been suppressing came out at once. It seemed like he was treating me as if I was an idiot doodling on a piece of paper.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this treatment. I was participating in discussions and pointing out things that others missed. John treats my friends well and babies the other guy, who is essentially useless .
What do i do ? I am afraid to speak up as i feel like he will paint me as a sensitive and useless person

Hi @sleepyowl,

Thank you for sharing your experience in such detail. It’s clear that you’re going through a really tough time, and I want to acknowledge how brave you are for speaking up about it.

From what you’ve described, it sounds like John’s behavior towards you has been consistently inappropriate and disrespectful. He lied about his name and education, made unsettling comments, and treated you rudely when you tried to participate in the group project. It’s understandable that these actions have made you feel uncomfortable and targeted.

You’ve also mentioned feeling excluded and marginalized in the group. John’s dismissive attitude, especially when he ignored your availability and treated you as less capable, is deeply concerning. It’s no wonder you’re feeling stressed and anxious, given the way he’s been treating you.

The impact on your emotional and mental health is evident. it’s clear that John’s behavior is having a significant negative impact on you. The inappropriate comments, exclusionary actions, and overall disrespect are all contributing to your sense of anxiety and helplessness. Your concerns are valid, and it’s important to recognize that the way you’re being treated is not acceptable. The anxiety, stress, and physical symptoms like a racing heart are all significant and shouldn’t be overlooked. It’s important to acknowledge that your feelings of distress are valid, and you have every right to feel the way you do.

I understand that you’re afraid to speak up because you feel like John will paint you as a sensitive and useless person. It’s really challenging to stand up for yourself when you fear being judged or dismissed. However, it’s important to remember that your worth is not determined by what John thinks or says about you.

Whilst you may be thinking about the most appropriate approach and find the right moment to address, I want you to be safe and maybe a few suggestions for you to consider:

  1. Document the Behavior: Keep a record of John’s comments and actions that make you uncomfortable. This documentation can be helpful if you decide to seek help from a teacher or counselor.

  2. Seek Support from Friends: Talk to your friends in the group about how John’s behavior is affecting you. They might not fully understand the extent of your distress and could provide more support if they are aware.

  3. Speak to a Teacher or Counselor: Consider discussing the situation with a teacher or school counselor. They can intervene and help mediate the situation to ensure that everyone is treated respectfully.

  4. Practice Self-Care: Taking care of your mental health is crucial. Engage in activities that help you relax and de-stress. Whether it’s talking to a friend, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in a hobby, make sure you’re taking time for yourself.

  5. Group Discussion: If you feel comfortable, you could suggest a group discussion to address the project dynamics. This can be an opportunity to express how everyone feels and agree on respectful ways to communicate and collaborate.

You have every right to express your feelings and set boundaries for how you want to be treated. Having said, do you feel that it’s important to address this so you can feel safe and respected in your group? And when you feel that you are ready to address,

  1. Set Boundaries: It’s important to set boundaries with John. If he makes inappropriate comments or treats you disrespectfully, calmly let him know that his behavior is not acceptable. For example, you can say, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way.”

Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect, and it’s okay to seek help when you’re being mistreated. Your feelings are valid, and addressing this issue is important for your well-being. It’s also important to trust that your friends and teachers will see the truth of the situation and support you. Take care, and please reach out for support. We’re here for you.