my mum keeps comparing her weight to mine. she likes to ‘keep me updated’ about how she’s like 45(47?) and only 50kg. i just keep thinking about how she’s decades older and way taller than me and only about 8-9kg heavier than me. i also feel like the period of time when i was 16 i was taking my gsce o levels and during the exam period i felt fat and started intermittent fasting and i dropped from 48kg-43kg in the 1-3 weeks of exams and i felt that it really ■■■■■■ up my perception of food and i have never been able to eat 3 full meals properly since. often now i just eat 1 meal and i somehow managed to last the whole day. other times i usually eat like really late at night. it also doesn’t help that both my siblings do sports and they have very athletic bodies. my sister is 16 and has abs, my brother is 11 and he has an eight pack with super defined arm and thigh muscles (which is not really healthy for him) while i just have belly fat. even my dad is losing weight and getting actual defined muscles. i used to do ballet/chinese dance but the teacher told me mum to pull me out cuz i don’t have the talent for it and that i should just quit to stop wasting money. instead of sports im doing music. i keep thinking about how if i chose a sport for my cca/hobby i would be skinny like all the other girls and maybe i would be athletic too. my mum used to be a track runner. and i also feel that it doesn’t help that my mum would always call me fat and lazy whenever she scolds me for something. i don’t like to think that i have an eating disorder. i really love food, but at the same time my relationship with it isn’t really healthy? but at the same time i can’t really think about any reasons why i would have an eating disorder. id like to think that i had a great childhood but at the same time i don’t knowwwww not reallyyyy?? i had a bed, clothes, food, water, and education, tution classes, even 4 cats and some people don’t even have the basic needs. but like caning was a really big part of my childhood. when i was 9~ i was starting primary 3 in my primary school, but i was in the worst class (hah, shocker) and my class had alot of bullies. they targeted my friend once and i defended her. but then i got bullied along with her. they would throw my stuff out of the window, call me names, take my things etc. my mum knew all about this but she didn’t really take it seriously. then one of the girls lied about me stealing her eraser and my mum for some reason didn’t believe me that i didn’t and she beat me so hard with a plastic hanger until it broke. then she continued to beat me with a wooden one. it was only after she beat me that she called the girls mother to confirm the story and it turns out that she was lying the entire time. my grades got so bad during that period. then my mum transferred me to another school halfway thru our the year. then i had to get used to a whole new class and environment. my grades started getting good again and i made friends but i never really fit in cuz they all saw me as the transfer student. but then caning was a really integral part of my family and my mum would use it regularly. didn’t learn your spelling? cane. forgot to do homework? cane. even talking to her in a slightly frustrated tone would cause her to storm toqards you and slap you. as the oldest, i always felt more ‘targeted’ with the ‘special/cateted’ punishments inspired from my fears. i won’t go into details but as i grew older i had less beatings cuz according to my mum i was too old and can’t be beaten anymore. during these beatings she would constantly call me fat and ugly and stupid. once when i was frustrated cuz i couldn’t find my stuff (my fault,i should have been more patient) , she stormed into my room and started throwing things at me and shouting at me calling me a ■■■■■ and a ■■■■ and that i should just go outside and sleep with men. i used to have really bad eczema in my primary-secondary era (i still do, just not as bad) and i always wore pants out to hide the scars and marks. then once when i finally got the courage to wear shorts, my mum was walking behind me and was stating how my legs looked so disgusting and how being fat and having eczema and being stupid was a really bad combination. amd recently she found my 2020-2022 diary where i was venting about my body and stuff (my fault, i didn’t check my notebooks properly b4 i gave them to my brother to use and he found it) and i told my mum to throw it away but she didn’t and she keeps holing it over my head about how im the same as every teenager ever. i love my mum but i also hate her for the things she did to me when i was a kid. it was my first time living too. i wouldn’t call it abusive exactly but it wasn’t very nurturing either. all of this is in the past but i just feel like i needed to say this ‘out loud’
Dear @peacefulantler6825
Thank you for reaching out. Reading your post, I can feel that what you have endured is deeply painful and complicated, especially because it came from someone you love. It makes sense that your relationship with food, your body, and yourself feels affected after years of being compared, criticised, hit, or made to feel “not good enough.”
May I gently point out that I believe your pain is not lessened because you had your physical needs met. A childhood can have love and care yet leave emotional wounds or trauma. Both things can exist at the same time. I have seen that trauma is not only one huge event, it can come from repeated experiences that made you feel unsafe, ashamed, or constantly judged.
I also think you are not overreacting for struggling with body image in an environment where weight and appearance were constantly harped on. Anyone in that situation would also internalise some of those messages.
Your body is not a failure because it does not look like your siblings’ or your mum’s. Your worth does not depend on being thinner, more athletic, or “better” at something.
I hope you can start being gentler with yourself, especially the younger versions of you that were trying so hard to be accepted and safe. You deserved comfort and protection too.
And you do not have to figure this out alone. I encourage you to explore the mindline website for resources.
If face-to-face support feels overwhelming right now, even texting/calling 1771 and talking to the counsellor on duty (available around the clock) is a viable first gentle step. The counsellors will listen non judgmentally and may also recommend suitable follow up.
You fully deserve kindness, empathy and support to safely process what you have gone through. I encourage you to reach out for support and reduce the distress you are feeling. 