Hi, I wanted to ask for help about my relationship with food, because I think it’s become something really difficult for me to manage. Since I was a kid, I’ve always been pressured a lot to eat. I was naturally a skinny child, and my parents often told me to eat more or eat certain foods even when I didn’t want to. Eating never felt natural or enjoyable for me — it always felt like something I was being forced to do.
One time, when I didn’t eat the food my grandmother made, my dad got really mad. He started yelling at me, and I remember feeling so small and scared. I wasn’t trying to be rude; I just didn’t feel like eating. But after that day, I hated eating with my parents. It didn’t feel like family anymore — it felt like I was doing something wrong every time I touched or didn’t touch my food.
As I grew older, especially during COVID, things got worse. I would deliberately eat foods my parents didn’t allow, like junk food, because I felt angry and tired of being told what I could or couldn’t eat. Once, when my parents found out I ate something they didn’t approve of, they threw the bowl on the ground and yelled at me. That moment really stuck with me. Since then, I started to feel a lot of guilt and fear around food.
Over time, I started hating food altogether. I didn’t like eating because it always came with pressure, scolding, or judgment. During COVID, I sometimes skipped meals or only ate what I liked. Once, I didn’t eat for a whole day and fainted the next day. I didn’t do it to hurt myself — I just couldn’t bring myself to eat things I didn’t like, and I hated how food made me feel.
At school, it got worse. I would bring lunchboxes, but I rarely ate them. I don’t like cold food or when foods touch each other, and I get really uncomfortable when that happens. One time, my teacher yelled at me because I refused to eat something I didn’t like — it was sausages, and I’ve always hated their texture and taste. When I tried to explain, she yelled even more and told me I was going to die if I didn’t eat. She said things like my organs would fail and that I’d “become a freak” or that no one would want to be my friend.
I remember feeling terrified and ashamed. I started crying, but she didn’t stop. She even took a photo of my untouched food and showed it to my dad. He didn’t say much, but I could tell he was disappointed. Later, another teacher pulled me aside and yelled at me again for not eating. They said I would die of stomach failure and that my body was “weird.” I still remember those words, and even though I’ve tried to forget them, they come back whenever I try to eat at school.
The thing is, my parents are supportive now. They’ve stopped forcing me to eat certain things, and they just want me to be okay. But even though they’ve changed, the words from my teachers still haunt me. I get scared every time I eat in front of people, like they’re silently judging me or waiting to say something cruel. I still eat very little — usually only once a day — because I feel safer that way, but I know it’s not good for my body.
I don’t know if this counts as an eating disorder, but I know that my relationship with food feels painful and wrong. I really want to talk to a professional who can help me understand what’s happening and help me rebuild a healthy relationship with food again — one that doesn’t come with guilt, shame, or fear.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’d really appreciate any advice or support you can offer.