idk just... im just ranting but ig would like some advice (RLY long rant sorry)

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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idk if this is even the right category but, so be it ig

long rant, idk why even this post but, thanks for reading ig any advice is appreciated

i cant even really remember how everything kinda started… back in 2022 got into some ig teenage issues with gaming too much and watching too much yt (secretly) got found out but yea nothing much… much then screen time started becoming an reoccurring issue from then on yea.

Then 2023 rolled around screen time issues started spiraling into huge conflicts between my parents and I, they threatened to kick me outta my sch and throw my fish away (some context for sch bit: im in RGS and i DSAed in with a kinda bad AL6 (messed up so bad for math idk how) for PSLE that wouldnt have gotten me in normally so i rly treasured being in RGS back then and i just started yk getting used to RGS and making friends so yea basically i rly didnt wanna change schools) i also had some issues with classmates and the teachers were pretty annoyed complaining to parents and all (me having ‘attitude issues’ have been a problem since idk kindergarten or prim sch but ig teachers tolerated it more back then cause i was the smart kid which i no longer am in RGS) I got kicked out of my CCA end of that year and had to transfer (basically teachers complained my parents forced me to change CCA) One of my best friends from prim sch who got into RGS with me also broke up with me cause ‘she didnt like how i treated her’ uh i lost one of my previously really close online friends too

Genuinely dont remember much that year i think i was leaning towards depressive symptoms but they were more of in my mind like ‘i need to act depressed to make teachers and parents idk feel bad..?’ idk i dont rly remember tbh this was the time i started saying ‘kms’ and stuff like that actively to friends i think i was venting A LOT to friends too i think originally they still tried to comfort me but realised it never really works they might have gotten kinda annoyed too with all my negativity but just a guess from me they never scolded me for it (i love my friends)

(okay i just went back and looked at a private vent chat i had for myself) some main points
-felt like i deserved worse (friends had it worse then me yet they all behaved and stuff better)
-felt useless like everyone had something they were good at but me
-severely questioning whether i was ‘sick’ or just acting up and pretending to be depressed for ‘attention’
-felt like an extreme waste of my potential
-felt like i was a hindrance to all my friends (due to all my negativity and venting)

and vent chat ended in Nov that year so no more referring to that ig the rest is from pure memory

gosh i remember now i was genuinely not in an ok state that year i think extremely suicidal used to hold knifes in the kitchen and imagine stabbing them into myself

2024 rolled around, same issues persisted on picked up sh midway started to try and keep my sh and suicide thoughts more to myself cause 1) telling my friends usually doesnt help me feel better its damn hard to drag me outta that emo mood when im in it 2) i rly wanted our friendship to just be ig happy my form teacher one day somehow saw the cuts on my upper thigh (still rly rly sus of how she saw cause they were rly high up but) got sent to sch counselling (not much happened) and then went to outside counselling (useless they just waited for me to talk i didnt want to talk) then the external told my parents i can go back only when ‘i felt like i needed to’ which was basically never so yea never went again um…

Arguements with parents and all my ig negative thoughts started yk getting more on and off therell be weeks where i emo less and i feel like life is good, while other times i really just feel like life is just… bad yea.

ive seperated from a toxic friend too (her comforting always made me feel worse i dont think on purpose but) i think she didnt mean bad but she definitely was a bad influence. after i left her (i had other friends who all left her too) after an incident i felt… better. i kinda feel sorry for ditching her but she was the one who sorta betraye dme so yea (sounds cringe oops)

kinda feel like me sh that year caused 2 of my friends to do so too (theyve done it a lot less and stopped long ago me) but i still feel kinda guilty for being a negative influence to my friends (really makes me feel bad sometimes)

asked a friend she said i was def more moody in 2024 than 2023 but idk yea ig idk subconsciously i thought it got better in 24 but thinking abt it it might have been worse

2025 then… started these idk episodes had 3 so far this year where i just start to cry/hyperventilate and i just cant stop. they… were scary yea. the crying one happened when i flunked an exam i think i just died emotionally. other two were i was rly stressed and just started sorta hyperventilating idk if i sorta dissociated or i just felt giddy from hyperventilating but yea. ive been feeling ig sad less too its become more of a… tired and numbness. ive learnt to keep my negative emotions more to myself and not affect my friends but i just cant seem to hide my emotions (which has resulted in multiple scolding from my parents about “acting like wanna die just cause we took her games” (ive been banned from games and social media start of this year) or yk the “bruh why she looking moody again” kinda scoldings. i stopped sh cause idk didnt bother enough/urges werent as strong after ive stopped for a bit/ii was too tired. The urges have been coming back up tho this recent week and… its annoying but ill get by ig.

ig thats it long essay im so sorry. i really dont remember much of how i felt in 2024 and didnt rly have anything documenting myself so yea.

time to pour random thoughts now (yes theres more)
-i still dont know if there something actually wrong with me or what like it feels like when im happy (esp wth friends) i genuinely am and like when im emo if i stay with friends i usually go back to being happy relatively quickly so it kinda makes me think like im just a teenager with emotion issues like last year my bad emotions were triggered by bad situations 70% of the time instead of being like just random so it clearly doesnt fit major depressive disorder
-friend said equally as moody in 24 and 25 no comments
-i genuinely dont know if im ‘imagining’ my so called physical symptoms of depression like i feel like my hand is shaking but its not (sometimes i even purposely yk tremor it gosh what am i doing) headaches too and stuff i even read sad stuff to get the ‘suffocating feeling of something crushing my cheest’ idk how to describe
-idk if i just have horrid procrastination issues or my attention span actually has some problems i cant seem to pay attention in class and i keep not finishing homework
-i keep wanting to sleep during the day esp if i feel numb or tired or anxious or yk just got nothing to do in general its making me not sleeping at night but ig thats cause i slept during the day but idk
-i feel so like easily agitated esp by fam and friends and i feel so freaking bad idk if its just a personality thing tho actually idk if half of what i feel is just personality cause it kinda is but idk if its to a point that its not ‘just personality’
-i feel like im so easily like to ‘crumble’ and just start getting anxious or upset about the smallest things i/other people did oh yea sensitive is the word this was a thing that only started ig when things started happening i used to be so uncaring about what people said and did like i was not turbulent just extremely happy go lucky but im just so turbulent nowadays

i think im done for now might rant more next time idk if anyone actually finishes thanks so much if you have any advice or idk anything to say (idk what im even looking for) would be appreciated and ig just… yea :slight_smile: oso have a nice day anyone reading

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Dear @Ivyneath

Thank you for sharing what you have been going through. You making the effort to write out is itself a sign of strength and determination even if you don’t feel strong right now.
Please know that whatever you’re feeling is real. What you’re going through matters. And you do not have to carry it all alone.

Reading what you wrote, it’s clear to me that you’ve been hurting for a long time. The numbness, the deep sadness, the urges to self-harm, the panic episodes, they’re not just “teenage things.” They’re signs that your mind and heart have been under more pain than anyone should have to deal with alone. And you’ve had to carry this without the support you need.

You don’t have to figure out whether it’s “just your personality” or “serious enough” to get help. Needing support doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’ve been trying your best for too long without enough help.

I gather from what you have shared that therapy hasn’t felt helpful in the past, and that’s not your fault. Sometimes the first person we talk to isn’t the right fit. But please don’t give up. The right support such as a good counsellor, can make a difference. Even if it feels awkward or pointless at first, just having someone really listen, without judgment, can slowly help you feel a bit less alone. You deserve that kind of care.

Even if you’re smiling around your friends or getting through classes, that doesn’t mean you’re not hurting. Your feelings are valid. Your experiences regardless if they are good or bad are always important.

Asking for help isn’t weakness, in fact it’s a strength and gives hope. And it could be the first step toward things slowly getting better.

Please know that there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. And things can get better, especially with help.

Please keep reaching out whenever you need to. You deserve care, support and opportunities to heal.

Sending you warmth and strength. You’re not alone, and you never have to be. :yellow_heart:

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Hi @Ivyneath

Thank you for sharing with us, and taking the time to pen down your thoughts and feelings in a raw and unfiltered way.

From your post, I can tell you’ve gone through a lot of hurt in the past few years. The self-harm impulses, losing friends, arguments with your parents, questioning yourself, the tiredness, sadness, numbness, and bottling it all up; being overloaded with these emotions for years and years must have been extremely exhausting and painful, you shouldn’t have had to go through this all alone.

It’s not your fault for being negative around your friends because you felt the need to share your turmoils to the people that you trust. It’s not your fault for feeling like doing nothing in the day, or being unable to concentrate in class because of the numbness in your body. It’s not your fault for getting tremors on your hands or wanting to read stuff to make your heart feel like it’s being crushed. You deserve the right to seek help and support from others.

You’ve spoke about how your experiences with seeking help from school and externally did not work out. There may be merit in continuing to find a professional that is suitable for you, someone whom you can feel comfortable confiding your emotions with. Seeking help from a professional might seem like a small step, but can go a long way towards improving your own mental well-being.

Seeking help does not mean you’re attention-seeking. Seeking help does not make you a hindrance nor make you not live up to your potential. Seeking help does not make you a good-for nothing.

Here’s what seeking help really is: it’s taking the courage, despite the pain and hurt inside you, to actively improve your own mental well-being. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of bravery. And it will be hard, but please believe that things will get better, and that you are able to make things better.

If you ever feel the need to rant or someone to hear you out, please feel free to reach out; there will always be someone that is willing to hear you out, be it the people in your life or the online community here.

I’m rooting for you! :heart: