I’ve not experienced much during this little life of mine. But I’ve gone through a few instances that have affected me as a person. Traumatised if you would give a name to it. It’s not good, but not that bad, just there.
I won’t be delving into details, too much of a hassle for me to write down, besides, digital footprint! Anyways, my parents have had many close divorce arguments over my elder brother. Blah blah. But, the one thing that stressed me was the words “Choose now [NAME], me or your mother, if you choose your mom you and them can go and live in the mountains.” Yea. That. This line was bluntly spoken to me at least 5 times up to my current age.
For all of the choices, I only chose my mom and my brother once, And that was when I was 7. When I matured, I started to choose my father. I knew that picking him would be the greater option. He could pave the path of a good future for me. He was the sole bread winner in the house, A man of wealth.
My mom had neither, she is uneducated. But despite that, I still begged. I cried my eyes out, sobbed tears as I stared at her in a daze. Slurring the words: “Please, stay here. Please.”
For 4 years. All instances, she picked my elder brother. I held contempt for my brother over that. Why did she never pick me? He would come back! Why wouldn’t she stay with me!? Even with the threat from my father: “[Name] If you choose to go off with him, don’t you think about coming back to live with us. You can go rent an apartment and work. Leave your daughter, again.”
She was still left with my brother. Of course this was all just episodes. But that shaped me. Made me the person I am today, like she was a sculptor, creating her sculpture but making mistake and not bothering to fix them. Damaging the piece as she continues to make it.
I get jealous now, very jealous of the people I am close to. I want them, I want them to only like me. Whenever I see the stories of their lives, why are they hanging out with other people? I get mad, distant. Why are you with them and not me? I am clearly better.
If they would leave me, I would even go on my knees and beg. I don’t want them to leave me. Please. I just want them to stay with me forever, or till I lose my undying affection for them. But if I don’t like them as much, I will throw them away like a toy. They could love me as much as I love someone else, but if I dislike at least one pointer of theirs. I would flick them away as easy as pie. It irks me that they like me, that they care for me. I feel disgusted that someone I dislike cares about me.
Is this normal? To be so cunning? I don’t know how to feel anymore.
