When i was in secondary school i used to be super sad, i wouldn’t say im depressed or anything because i was never really diagnosed. But there was a period of my sec sch i cant even remember because i was so sad, i was just moving through the motions of life. I really don’t want it to get bad again but i can feel it coming back.
Life has been really tough, and even though im surrounded by people i feel so alone. It’s like I’m worried about school, friends and life. I don’t know what i want in life, im taking a course i dont even like and i dont understand what’s going on in poly. I have this hobby i really enjoy and i feel like the reason why life has been feeling good for like a year or two is because I’ve been so busy i never really had the time to think about the bad stuff.
My parents are like leaving me be now because im turning 19 and im suppose to be independent but i honestly feel like im still 16. I know i shouldn’t be sad that my parents are like kinda distancing themselves but i just feel like they dont care anymore. When im sick they dont care, they don’t ask me to see a doctor. When i had to go to the hospital, they didn’t even want to come it’s like a hassle for them. Idk if its because my sister is an adult now so they lump me with her but I’m like still 18 ig.. It’s feels even harder because of my father, when i was a kid he was like my mom and dad. My mom was kind of absent most of the time, she’s still there but she didn’t really like to bring us out or anything. So my dad was like both of my parents, and he is the one that’s like leaving me alone the most. I find it even hard to ask him if he can buy me snacks or stuff, he is my dad i should be okay to ask him to get me food. idk, when i was a kid he used to fetch me to places. nowadays, when i ask even for a ride somewhere he gets really mad at me. My friends dad picks me up and sends me more than my own father. He doesn’t even know my age, he thought i was turning 17 this year. I don’t understand, does he want me to faster leave the house or did i just stop growing in his eyes. There was one time i asked him to help me do something, it wasn’t even much i remember it was like can u throw out the trash. He got really upset and he was like “this is why i hate you guys”. I don’t know, it feels like i lost my father.
I feel like im mourning someone that’s still alive, i should be able to lean on my dad. It’s not like i chose to be born, once you become a parent it’s something you can’t just quit or stop doing even when you’re older. i dont know if he loves me less now because im all grown, or because i have views and opinions. but i really miss having a dad or parents, it feels like i dont really have that anymore. someone to lean on, asking them for food feels a lot now. i shouldn’t feel that way, a parent shouldn’t make their kid feel like they are too much asking for basic necessitys.
and like maybe because everything at home feels so messy it’s starting to bleed into my social life. because i feel so sad and bummed out about my dad and mom. My friends are like one of the only good things in my life right now. I know this is normal and life is like this but im finding it so hard to cope with the fact that my friend likes one of my guy friends. yeah i know, it’s like textbook basic, life is like this. but it feels like she’s drifting from me, she’s a close friend. whenever we hang out now she’s always texting our guy friend, she’s always checking her phone to see if he messaged her. Then she likes to do banter, like she likes to insult ppl but as a joke and u gotta like insult back. but recently, i think everything feels so much when she “insutls” me as a joke it just hurts so much. i just don’t know what to say, sometimes i just stay quiet and think about it. Sometimes she’s sarcastic and be like “ Oh really who asked” infront of that guy she likes and a few other of our friends. and i just dont say anything, it isn’t funny anymore and the guy she likes laughs too because i think they kinda both like each other.
idk, it makes me feel less. im starting to question my value as a whole, like do i even matter if i disappeared would anyone even care. Recently, i hung out with my close friend, the guy she likes and another guy. She just kept talking to that guy she likes, i know it’s the chasing period but it made me realise. like when she starts dating him ill just be like nothing to her. we got very close in a short amount of time and i see her like 3-4 times a week due to cca and common interest. Idk, i think im really scared of change, im scared of losing her as a friend. I hate that i can’t do anythinh about it, that i dont have control of this situation. I feel so helpless right now, and the hobby/sport i do is stressing me out too.
I’m one of the better ones in my CCA, and im not improving faster. I feel like im starting to plateau and i cant let it happen. I feel like im losing the joy for the sport, i enjoy it because it’s fun and the people. But my close friend who likes that guy has been making everything feel so uncomfortable and unenjoyable bcs she talks more to the boy less to me. Lowkey excluding me unintentionally so the sport has been less fun. I feel the need to perform and be better but I’m not and im so worried I’m going to fail. I need to be better because there’s an expectation for me to perform.
everything feels so much and one of my older friends that im super close with is lowkey MIA and she’s like super close with some new people now. I feel so worthless, so little and small. i really want to try disappearing one day, not dying but just leaving and going MIA. it feels like nobody cares about me. i feel so alone and i thought i would never feel this way again. Usually im so busy i dont have time to think about these thoughts but recently it has been creeping in more and more. I don’t know what to do, i feel so heavy and sad. i dont feel like going for cca, or talking to people or going to school.
i feel like deleting all socials and disappearing, everything is getting bad again and i just feel so bummed. Everything just feels so much and i cant do anything about it
