Hi @User1360,
I appreciate you sharing your story because it’s obvious that you’ve had a very difficult journey. I’m also impressed with your strength and fortitude in the face of everything you’ve gone through. I want to acknowledge that living through emotional and psychological abuse is not only exhausting but also deeply painful. It makes sense that you’d feel like your home is a waking nightmare, especially when there’s no love, warmth, or support to balance the heavy emotional burden you’re carrying.
It’s important to address the guilt you feel over the sense of relief after your father’s passing. Feeling relief is a natural response after years of living in an abusive environment. You endured ten years of emotional and physical pain, and it’s okay to feel free from that burden. The guilt you’re feeling is understandable, but it’s not something you need to carry. What you’re experiencing is your mind’s way of processing the release from a toxic situation, and it’s crucial to remind yourself that you’re not responsible for the pain your father inflicted.
You mentioned seeing traces of your father’s abusive behavior in your sisters, which must be incredibly difficult, especially since you’ve been striving to distance yourself from those harmful dynamics. Psychological abuse, as you’ve said, can often feel worse than physical abuse because it invades your sense of self. It’s draining to face this every day, and it’s completely valid to feel like it’s hard to hold on. Recognizing the abuse for what it is, though painful, is a powerful first step in protecting yourself emotionally.
It’s completely normal to feel emotional after witnessing your cousin’s relationship and the birth of her child. The fact that it brought you to tears shows just how deeply you long for unconditional love, the kind you may not have experienced growing up. It’s okay to feel that emotional vulnerability. In fact, it’s a sign that despite everything you’ve been through, you still believe in the possibility of love and connection.
You’ve been single for over five years, and that might have been a protective choice—sometimes, after enduring emotional pain, it’s easier to put up walls and distance ourselves from potential hurt. But witnessing this love has clearly opened up something inside of you. While it’s understandable that you might feel uncertain about dating again, know that love can still find its way into your life, in forms that are healthy and nurturing.
It sounds like you’re on the verge of a major life transition, with college graduation approaching and your plans to start fresh in a new place. This is a pivotal moment in your life, and while it’s hard to believe right now, the opportunity to create a life where you’re free from the emotional trauma of your past is on the horizon. Leaving behind a toxic environment is often necessary to heal, and it sounds like you’re ready to take that step. But it’s also okay to acknowledge that the journey of healing doesn’t happen overnight—it takes time to rebuild yourself emotionally after everything you’ve been through.
You mentioned that you don’t feel connected to the men in your country because of their preference for marrying within their tribes, and that you feel tribeless in comparison. It’s understandable to feel out of place when societal norms don’t align with your personal experience. Feeling tribeless can contribute to the sense of being disconnected or rejected, which may be adding to the emotional isolation you’ve already experienced.
But being “tribeless” doesn’t diminish your worth. In fact, it might mean that you have the opportunity to forge your own path, free from the constraints of tradition or societal expectations. You deserve to find love and connection that honors who you are as a person, not based on where you come from. Love that transcends these boundaries is still possible—it’s about finding someone who values you for who you are, without the need to fit into predefined roles.
It’s clear that you’re in a place where the weight of your past is still heavy, but there’s also a part of you that’s looking toward the future with hope. You’ve been through so much, and it’s okay to take time to process all that emotional pain before moving forward. The fact that you’re even imagining a future away from your family’s toxicity is a powerful step toward healing. You don’t have to have all the answers right now, and it’s okay to take things one day at a time.
In the meantime, focus on small steps toward building the life you want. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, and consider seeking support from a therapist who can help you work through the emotional trauma and guide you toward healthier emotional connections in the future.
You’ve carried so much for so long, and it’s important to remind yourself that you are worthy of love, warmth, and a future that feels fulfilling. The pain you’ve experienced doesn’t define you—it’s part of your story, but it’s not the end of it. As you prepare to step into this new chapter of your life, know that healing is possible, and so is finding the love and connection you deserve.
Take care of yourself, and don’t hesitate to reach out for support when you need it. You’re not alone in this journey, and there’s hope for a future that’s free from the pain of your past.
