Managing partner's triggers

[wellbunny468]

My partner of over 10 years is a self-diagnosed neurodivergent and she has always been very upfront with her triggers when my behaviour inadvertently triggers her.

She has constantly been explaining herself through her anger, sadness and disappointment. I feel horrible when she has to explain it when it happens. Of all behaviours, she hates being deceived or when people show behavior that can be interpreted as less than honest.

In a recent episode, I made a comment which triggered her. This time, she expressed what made her angry, and referenced another comment which someone else made, which she was reminded of by my comment. The other person was unremorseful, but I apologised immediately and tried to clarify that was not my intention.

My partner always insisted that my intentions, while part of the overall situation, does not change her reality and what she feels. I agree with her, but I say that if I intended differently from what she interpreted, then she should be more forgiving. On this we have resolved not to agree, and in each situation she has a differing degree of reaction.

This time, I feel even more indignant as I am not even the person who caused her to feel an extremely strong negative reaction in the first place. I simply said something to remind her of the person. She called me names, said I was broken inside and sometimes say very negative things. I acknowledged her comment and said that no one is perfect, and I am always willing to work out these differences if she is willing to step away from her anger and resolve what is the actual issue. To this she responded that I don’t even know myself, that I can make such comments, and that I am a truly broken person on the inside.

I try to keep an open mind constantly but when she is experiencing challenges in life or pressure, she seems to be very easily triggered to the point where, even though I am supposed to provide emotional support to her, I avoid her because I don’t want to experience what I did today, and today’s experience has further reinforced this.

From today’s episode, I have resolved to never comment or respond unless asked to. I just don’t want to deal with it when she’s already under so much pressure. She has a huge break coming up so I hope to be able to talk through some of these issues in a calmer manner.

I am also extremely bothered that she could call me a broken person when I always try to avoid saying things that could hurt her feelings. She had never said such a direct comment to me before, and after seeing me again and again for the same day, she repeated how angry I made her feel and that I am broken and need to change.

I am worried that her behaviour will get worse, and that I am also contributing to it. Even worse, that I am the main cause. How can I properly understand and manage this issue?

[haku]

Hey @wellbunny468.

What you’re going through sounds exhausting, and being called “broken” when you were trying to be supportive towards someone you love is painful and worth taking seriously.

A few things are worth holding onto here. Your partner’s triggers are real and deserve care, but that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to absorb verbal attacks without limit. You can acknowledge her struggles and still recognise that the way she’s expressing them is causing you hurt and harm. The fact that you find yourself pulling away from her when she needs support suggests the relationship has reached a point where goodwill alone may not be enough to sustain it.

On intentions versus impact, you’re both actually right in different ways. Her feelings are real no matter what you meant, but your intent matters as well. It shapes how a situation should fairly be understood. I think the problem here isn’t that your positions are opposites, but rather, it’s that without a shared way of working through these moments, you’ll keep arriving at the same impasse. That’s precisely where a couple’s counsellor can make a difference.

When her break comes and things are calmer, find a neutral moment and try to see if she would be open to couple’s counselling. You could present it as something that the both of you need, rather than it just being something she needs. That distinction is important.

Finally, going quiet is a reasonable short-term boundary while things are raw, but try not to let it become permanent. Silence as a long-term strategy tends to hollow out a relationship quietly over time.

All the best, and I hope everything works out for you.