Hi, I have been with my wife for over 10 years, of which we have spent under 5 years married. Over the course of our relationship, whenever we have an argument, she would insist that I properly and satisfactorily explain why I respond in the specific way to any event that has made her feel frustrated and angry.
I have struggled to gain the lexicon and ability to express myself to her. She is able to explain her negative reactions and anger, which I accept, but she has always insisted that I am unable to in a way she can understand logically.
Recently I made a comment comparing my insistence to preserving toys in their unbroken condition v.s. her broken but repaired toys, which have resurfaced due her handing down her own childhood toys to our child. This was actually an inside joke as she always makes fun of my insistence on keeping my toys or collectables in their unbroken condition. I made this comment by saying “v.s. papa never break his toys”, and she said that the comment made her very angry.
She proceeded to confront me infront of the child who originally referred to the broken toys she received as “mama break my toy”. I apologised immediately and explained that it was a joke, but she insisted this is something that we should not joke about, and I should not create comparisons for the child i.e. (mama v.s. papa)
I agreed with her and apologised again. I also told our child that I behaved badly and that I am sorry for my comment. She then played it up and told our child that the police should take me away until my behaviour was corrected and that she and my child would go do their leisure activities without me.
The episode ended and I could still tell she was angry. After putting the child to bed I went to the living room to eat ice cream, my comfort food. I was very depressed at being confronted like that infront of my child, but I felt that she had done that in the interest of my child’s development.
She then brought it up again, and said several expletives equating my behaviour to a calculating or mean person, and that my behaviour was characteristic of a problematic family dynamic and childhood. She also said comments along the lines of “if I were responding to what you were saying directly, I would have said you were so-and-so” which were very hurtful words and I was surprised she used such an obvious proxy just to speak such hurtful words directly to me.
I have always controlled and spent a lot of time in my responses to the point of keeping mum if I felt I was not ready to answer logically to her expectations. She seems to just be able to rattle off whatever she’s thinking and I just have to accept it and respond properly or she just gets angrier. Today, I just smiled at her comment, told her that she did say it anyway to my face and left the conversation at that after apologizing for causing hurt to both her and our child for making such a comparison.
My wife and I discuss mental health and neurodivergence but I have always felt that if you truly love someone, you would see their comments in the most positive light possible. I felt this is true for me as I have never responded angrily to her comments, even when arguing. I always apologise first, but my wife has always insisted that apology without understanding is meaningless.
I understand that line of thinking, but whenever I make her angry, it seems to escalate endlessly until she decides to stop being angry or something else comes up.
I have always felt the issue is on my end for not being able to express or explain to her, but I also find her escalating reactions very discouraging especially in challenging times. Any advice on how do I approach her during times of escalation or how can I address the root cause of the issue?
You apologise, explain, but the convo continues to escalate until she decides it’s over. That can be exhausting and demoralising, esp when it happens in front of your child! Your low mood after that episode is completely understandable.