My daughter with chronic illness

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1

It was for many years that she has a chronic illness. It’s tough for her and we were encouraging as we know how tough it is to handle it emotionally. She appears to be really happy, doing things that she love like staying up late, eating junks citing this will make her feel like a normal person, we talked to her to try and do less of it as her body needs recovery.

We patiently be there w her, talked to her about how we can get her better together. All these didn’t work. Her condition became worse over the years when it could be better.

Irrationally I always told my family that no matter what I will pay for the best treatment and this had taken a toll on the family as it’s few thousands each month.

My daughter started suggesting giving her money hundreds per day and she will listen to me. It’s irrational to promise we we are incurring debts out there over the years for her bill but on another hand, I’ve been drowning every day as her illness is so critical that she needed a surgery soon and that surgery doesn’t promise good result. She declined the surgery. My heart is breaking and I’m depressive now. I don’t know what to do

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It sounds like you’re going through an incredibly tough time. It’s clear how much you care for her and how deeply this situation is affecting you. It must be so overwhelming to balance the emotional, financial, and health challenges all at once.

I wonder what your daughter is trying to achieve with her suggestion. Does she really need the money or is she using that as a coping mechanism for herself?

But beyond that, how are you holding up with everything?

3

She wants the money to sustain her high expenditure I.e going for expensive food etc… to keep herself happy. If this can compensate her grudges of having this illness, i would gladly do all I can but no :frowning: she kept telling me that she wanna go earlier even though we tried so hard

I don’t know how to cope anymore

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Hi @Maze, it sounds like you feel like you’ve lost control over balancing how you can provide for your daughter, versus your financial needs.

I wonder whether you feel like your daughter agrees with you that the behaviors your suggested (not staying up late, eating less junk food) will help her in her process of recovery? And if not- what does she think will help her recover? It seems that your daughter might have a different idea of what makes her life ‘happy’ (continuing with this behavior), and that might not be what you agree with (trying to be better).

I think you need to have a conversation with your daughter about what she wants in the long term, (is it really recovery?) versus what you can provide as a father.

I suspect that she might have developed an association between her continuing to have this illness and her receiving special treatment from you. Maybe emphasizing that you will continue to love and support her, and that her taking steps towards recovery will make the process of supporting her easier, might be helpful.

5

I’ve talked to her many times and only to hear that she wanted to live the life she wants and end her life early, nothing we do makes her feel less miserable about her life. I’m her mum and I didn’t want it that way. I know by giving her everything won’t help at all but I know I won’t be able to see her destroying herself yet no matter what I do it’s back to square one.

My husband told me to let her be but how to?

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No matter how I emphasise that I will be with her, she doesn’t care

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She knew that all the suggestion and what read online or heard from friends will be helpful to keep her illness controlled. She refused and repeated her demoralising words…

I’ve been controlling my emotions when talking to her for so many years and now I’m on the verge of breaking down. Nothing I do helps at all

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Hi @Maze that’s a really difficult and painful position to be in, I can see why you feel so hopeless. What’s the conversation been like when you ask her why she doesn’t feel like life is worth living? Does she have dreams that she feels like she is unable to live out, does she have any aspirations beyond waiting to die? And if not, I think it could be helpful to ask yourself, what do you want her to live for?

9

She said that ever since she was diagnosed with the illness, she has body pain, needs to take medication daily, need to exercise and need to follow some doctor advices to get better. This is not what she want to follow, that’s the reason it became worse over the years. I tried to watch her when she takes her medicine to ensure she don’t miss any as she lied before about taking her medicine and even hired a helper. Both didn’t help. Understand that if she’s not willing to help herself, nothing will help.

When asked what she wants for her further, again, the demoralising words. But, for every of her words, I told myself that she’s immature cuz she’s feeling terrible.

I know many had told me to let go as she’s taking advantage, I refused to think that way of her. What if anything happen to her? My world will fall

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Hi @Maze it does sound like there is a divergence between what you want and what your daughter wants. It can be hard to have the care that you express not be heard, especially by your own flesh and blood.

What outcome do you imagine this road can take? Do you think you can eventually convince her to keep living despite her insisting that she doesn’t want to? You can believe that she’s being immature because she’s your daughter, but ultimately you can’t live her life for her.

It’s a really tough balance between your care as a parent and her agency as a human being in charge of her own life. I wonder have you spoken to anyone else about seeking support for what you’re going through?

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Dear @Maze ,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your pain with us. We can sense how deeply you care for your daughter and the immense struggle you’re going through. It’s truly challenging to see a loved one suffer, especially when you feel like you’re doing everything you can to help. I’m so sorry that things have been incredibly difficult for you and your family. :people_hugging: Your daughter’s chronic illness is undoubtedly a significant challenge for both her and your family. Encouraging her and being there for her emotionally is important, and it sounds like you’ve been incredibly supportive. :orange_heart:

In a situation with so many factors to consider, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a family therapist. A therapist can help you all navigate these complex emotions and decisions. They can facilitate conversations about unspoken needs and feelings, providing support and guidance in this challenging time.

As a parent, your natural inclination is to do everything within your power, and sometimes beyond, to protect your child, especially when they are young. In such situations, it can be helpful to maintain a firm yet loving approach and set clear boundaries. Your daughter’s suggestion of receiving money in exchange for compliance may stem from a need for control in a situation where she feels powerless. It’s reassuring that you recognise the impracticality of offering payment for compliance, particularly considering the financial strain involved. Here are some alternative ways to help her feel more empowered:

  1. Involve Her in Decisions: Encourage your daughter to be more involved in decisions about her treatment and daily routines. Giving her a say can help her feel more in control and responsible for her health.

  2. Set Goals Together: Work with her to set realistic, achievable goals related to her health. Celebrate small victories to boost her confidence and sense of accomplishment.

  3. Find Healthy Outlets: Help her find activities she enjoys that also promote her health, such as creative hobbies, sports, or social activities. These can provide a sense of normalcy and joy.

  4. Educate and Empower: Provide her with information about her illness and treatments in an age-appropriate way. Understanding her condition can help her feel more in control and less fearful.

  5. Therapeutic Support: Consider seeking help from a therapist who specialises in chronic illness. They can work with her to develop coping strategies and improve her mental and emotional well-being.

  6. Peer Support Groups: Connecting with other young people who are dealing with similar challenges can help her feel less isolated and more understood.

It’s also important to take care of your own well-being and nurture your relationship with your partner as you navigate the days ahead. Setting aside time each day for activities that help you relax and recharge, such as reading, exercising, or spending time in nature, is essential. Maintain open and honest communication with your partner about your feelings, concerns, and needs, regularly checking in with each other to ensure you both feel supported. Share responsibilities related to your daughter’s care and household duties to prevent burnout and ensure you both have time to rest.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or support groups for emotional support and practical help, as sharing your burdens can lighten the load. Schedule regular date nights or quality time together to strengthen your bond and enjoy each other’s company away from the stress of daily challenges. Consider seeing a therapist or counsellor, either individually or as a couple, to help manage stress and maintain a healthy relationship.

Engage in mindfulness practices like meditation or deep breathing exercises to reduce stress and stay grounded. Ensure you both get enough sleep, as rest is essential for emotional and physical well-being. It’s important to take care of your own mental health too. You’re facing a very stressful situation, and seeking support for yourself is crucial.

By role-modelling self-care and self-regulation, you can gently guide your daughter to make healthier choices for herself during this challenging and confusing time. Your example can be a powerful source of inspiration and support for her.By taking these steps, you can better care for yourselves and each other while continuing to support your daughter through her illness.

May I check, have you reached out to support groups for families dealing with chronic illness? Connecting with others who understand your situation can provide emotional support and practical advice.

I hope you take the time to recognise that you and your family are doing your best in an incredibly difficult situation. :mending_heart:

I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter! :grinning:

Take care,
Cool Breeze =)

12

Hi, i was away think through and be truthful with myself. I’ve always lied to myself that with time, I could change her thought but no. I do not see any outcome and yet it comes with her blaming us each time we saved her. For so many years, we confided with own family members, they jumped into conclusion that we are not doing well enough. No actual support. Not going to friends as this is not something easy and they have their own problems too. I’m glad I could share here, the advices here are what I know but I refused to face earlier on. I’ve decided to face it this time and let her be. I can’t afford to lose the ones who really cares for me by saving one who has gave up. Thanks for taking time to read and help

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Thank you so much. I know what to do now, will get myself on track :pray:

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You’re most welcome @Maze
You’re right. Sometimes, giving things space and time to breathe can allow them to develop naturally, much like when we leave dough alone to rise and let natural processes take place.

Please take care of yourself and prioritise your needs and wellbeing too. Considering palliative counselling could be a valuable option to support your family’s wellbeing during this challenging time.

Thinking of you and your family :people_hugging:
:orange_heart: Cool Breeze

15

Is there any number I could call? I really need to talk

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Hi @Maze here is a list of resources you can reach out to!

  • Polyclinic referral. You may make an appointment or walk in to a polyclinic to share your concerns. You will be given a referral to a community hospital for follow-up assessment. For referrals via polyclinic, there will be a subsidized rate when you go for follow-ups. Do remember to get a referral letter from them.
  • IMH Hotline - 6389 2222
  • CHAT - Provides free, personalised and confidential mental health checks* and/or referrals to professionals, if necessary, for youth aged 16-30.
    Call: 64936500/ 64936501 Email: chat@mentalhealth.sg
    Operating hours: Tue – Sat, 12pm – 9pm, Closed on Mon, Sun and Public Holidays
    *This is not a counselling session. It is a chat to understand your mental health concerns and recommend suitable professional help.
  • SOS: For crises. Provides 24 hour CareText, a text-based service that provides emotional support for those in distress (WhatsApp 9151 1767). They also provide CareMail, an alternative avenue of emotional support for those who prefer to write in via email (pat@sos.org.sg) or call them at 1-767
  • eC2 by Fei Yue Community Services: Provides Quick Chat, a one-to-one mental health screening via online chat for youths aged 12 - 25yo to talk about their mental health or emotional concerns. Operating hours: Mon, Thurs, Fri, 10am - 12pm, 2pm - 5pm (excluding PH).
  • webCHAT​: Provides text-based, in-the-moment support for young people aged 16 - 30 years old residing in Singapore who would like to gain clarity of their situations.
  • TOUCHline: 1800 377 2252 - For youth who wish to speak to trained counsellors on any topic, including cyber wellness. Mon - Fri: 9am - 6pm
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Dear @Maze,

Thanks for reaching out. Here are some options for your consideration:

  • wayfinding tool - A list of options available by postal code
  • CWA - CAREGIVER SUPPORT GROUP
  • AIC Hotline:1800 650 6060
  • Care Corner Counselling Hotline: 1800 353 5800 Mon - Sun: 10am - 10pm (excluding PH)
  • Singapore Association for Mental Health (SAMH) -1800 283 7019, Mon - Fri: 9am - 6pm (excluding PH)
  • Silver Ribbon Singapore (6385-3714)
  • TOUCHline (Counselling) – 1800 377 2252
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Thanks so much for the advices and information. Appreciate it!