Hello,
I’m a 21 year old college student currently taking an intermission for my own mental health.
I have for a while been relying on online relationships for my sense of community, and I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing. I only have 5 or so online friends, all of which we share personal details of our lives with and some of which I even know their names.
I want to visit them someday, but the fact of the matter is that they are still people living hundreds of miles away from me, and many people have stated both on the internet and in my family that it is necessary for a person to have a real life friendship to count on.
Simply put, my experiences with friendships in real life has been beyond disastrous, so much so much of it is actually the root causes of my own mental illnesses like depression and social anxiety. While online friendships are not all sunshine and rainbows, the people I have bonded some I have known for years, and they have been nothing but kind, accepting, and patient with me.
My point is, is there a reason for me to make friends in real life again if it is mostly just motivation to leave the house sometimes? Or motivation to keep going to classes or work? My failed relationships have made going to college something so utterly terrifying and despair inducing I had thoughts hurting myself (not at the moment though don’t worry), so I am not keen to make any more friends in work or class settings for the sake of my own sanity and education. Is it something I have to do to be a healthier human being, or is everyone overplaying the necessity of a friend in proximity?
Hi @RXChow, it really sounds like you feel really isolated given the fact that you seem to be only close to your online friends who live on the other side of the world from you, and at the same time you seem to have been scarred by your failed relationships as well. My heart really goes out to you and this really sounds like a very difficult situation to be in.
However, I do believe that it could be a great step forward if you eventually choose to make new friends in real life! Not so much only about the benefits of proximity of real-life friends, but perhaps that you never know how these new friends may bring joy into your life as well, on top of your online community! And I’d say the more the merrier in terms of gathering more social support for yourself. But of course it is entirely valid for you to feel scared at the prospect of making new friends given your previous poor experiences with real-life friends, but I feel that you should really try your best to open up this door for yourself as you never know what new friends may bring! Regardless, wishing you all the best :))
Thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through. I can really sense the fear and hesitation in your words. It’s understandable if your past experiences with real-life friendships, which have caused you emotional pain and led to feelings of rejection, have now made it hard to consider opening yourself up to new relationships. Your self-protective instinct is strong, and it’s important to acknowledge that fear and respect it. It’s okay to feel hesitant when the stakes of emotional vulnerability feel so high. You’ve been hurt before, and it’s only natural to want to protect yourself from that same hurt.
At the same time, I hear you wondering whether it’s really necessary to form new relationships in real life, especially when your online relationships have given you acceptance and comfort. I want to acknowledge that while long-distance friendships can indeed hold great value and depth, the experience of in-person relationships is very different. There are sensory and emotional benefits that come from physically being with others—like the emotional intimacy, the ability to pick up on subtle body language, and the closeness that often comes from being actually present with someone. These aspects of human connection are difficult to replicate online, even if the emotional bonds are still strong.
However, I understand that the hurt from past failed relationships continues to linger, and it’s clear that it has made you want to protect yourself more. Your caution is understandable, as the fear of being hurt again can feel overwhelming. Have you had the chance to process this fear and the emotions surrounding your past relationships with someone close to you, or perhaps a counsellor? It’s important to give yourself the space to grieve the hurt and rebuild trust at your own pace."
It’s also worth reflecting on the successes you’ve had in maintaining relationships. Can you think back to the first time you successfully built a connection with someone online? What made it work? What did you do to nurture that bond? Remembering those moments of success can be so important. It shows you have the skills and the intuitive sense for building and maintaining meaningful relationships. That same intuition and effort can be applied to your in-person relationships when the time feels right, and only when it feels safe.
What’s important is that relationships come in many forms; I want to gently encourage you to attend to yourself as you navigate this. Strengthen the relationship with yourself and listen to your intuition about what feels healthy and supportive for you. Your journey is unique, and we are here to support you as you explore what works best for you.
I looked online for local ppl w same problems as me. Try to talk to them until they r comfortable to hang out, but i do have a criteria which is that they have to want to recover cuz i want to recover
Hello @RXChow ! I really appreciate you sharing your experiences since it seems like you’ve gone through a lot. I simply want to start by saying that the friendships you have made online are genuine and true. Regardless of distance, the connection, trust, and care you have for those individuals are important. The mere fact that a relationship takes place on a screen does not make it any less significant. Those connections are vital if they make you feel at ease and like you belong.
I understand that the thought of attempting to form connections in person may be daunting, particularly in light of traumatic experiences in the past. It’s OK to keep your peace. You don’t have to force yourself into potentially dangerous or upsetting circumstances simply because someone else says it’s “necessary.” There is no one-size-fits-all definition of what constitutes a meaningful relationship; everyone’s definition of connection is unique.
However, it doesn’t have to begin with imposing friendships if you ever feel the need for a deeper personal relationship. It might include finding little methods to re-establish a connection with the outside world, such as sitting at a café, joining a group that has similar interests, or simply going for a stroll in a park where others are around but contact is not necessary. It’s not about what other people think is the “right” way to connect; it’s about what feels comfortable and achievable for you.
However, it’s also OK if your virtual pals seem sufficient for the time being. You are not lacking a magical component that completes life. Whether they live next door or miles away, what counts is that you have people who care about you.
To put it simply, you deserve safe friendships, whether they are made online or off. You are deserving of compassion. Therefore, whatever speed suits you is sufficient.