My love lyfe :') , pretty complicated & sad , i need smone to hear me out & gv me solutions 😭

hi , just wanna ask your opinion , im in a 11month r’ship , the first 7/8months we were tgt ( same city ) , we wrk tgt at the same place & he introduced me to his fam & all , after me leaving hometown ( jb ; its a city ) we were doing ldr for 3months & he changed :broken_heart: , he was totally diff in these 7/8 months being w me , yes he’s abusive cz he had his reasons , i weren’t properly healed in the beginning cz i just got brokedup by my ex ( y ) & i quickly jumped into a r’ship w him ( my boyf ) & i used to talk abt my ex ( y ) most of the time w him while we were friends & after getting along tgt in a r’ship it bcm a habit & i didnt knew it’d hurt him , was pretty comfy sharing things as thats how we were when we were friends , till this one day he got mad & burst out ( he hits me ) & cries saying that im actually hurting him by talking abt my ex ( y ) continuesly ( i just got realised that its actually wrong & thats whr i saw his feelings from his shoes ) , & i slowly reduced talking abt him & there’s this one guy i knew him from tinder ( i downloaded just fr fun istg cz my friend just brokedup & she got tired of being loyal so i did downloaded ) & things were pretty fckedup aftr knwing this guy ( v ) !!! legit did alot of shits , i had my reasons i swear !!! & i’ll just go roughly so you could actually picture things out & might understand his view ( my boyf ) , this was all bfr my boyf & my boyf knws everything that happens btwn me & my ex , but not the tinder guy ( v ) , i didn’t say so cz i felt like it was too deep cz he was just my friend at that time & aftr getting myself into a r’ship w my boyf , i felt guilty for not saying so abt this tinder guy cz i was too scared bcz he’s actually too abusive in the beginning itself , he’ll hit me & so on ! & there’s this one day i actually openedup but that was also by him hitting me up when i rndmly asked him " what would you do if there’s smntg i hide twrds you ? " he got mad & hits me & i told him but not fully just a lil , i got scared & i wanted to protect myself , ik its my fault , i could hv actually openedup about all but i didnt ! & also after being tgt w him ( my boyf ) this tinder guy was actually disturbing me the whole while , calling me txting me & i told everything to my boyf & also there’s this one day he actually txted me saying " idc wtf youre doing & i want you to answer this call right now or else i’ll upload our videos " istg i didnt knw what video & i got scared & i immediately answered the call & he was pretty drunk that time & he was speaking too rude & all those vulgar wrds & he scolds & ends the call w ( " all i want you to do now is pack you stuffs & all , after me ending this call , id book grab for you & youre cmg straight awy to my house , or else yk what ill do ) i got scared & i didnt even tell anything to my boyf & i actually went ! i fcking felt so bad & guilty for this ■■■■ , istg i could hv just told my boyf but i didnt , um my bad :broken_heart: , i told this incident after 6 months , & he was really mad & he actually kinda nitpick all the timeeeee about this guy & he hits me so often , he has his way to alwys brings bck my past , thats the reason why i didnt tell me anything abt him cz i was so scared & he hits me everyday !!! & he evn humiliates me in public , bashing me w vulgar wrds at public & he wll just endup w a sorry & also he did alot , he calls that guy ( v ) through instagram & asks him whther he wants me bck , he evn call & talked w him & asked everythinf that he was supposed to ask & i really thought everything was okay alr , he did alottt !!! i fcking felt bad throughout the whole r’ship & i did actually reassure him everyday everytime , i ask for frgvness , i apologise each & everyday , whether we’re in good or bad terms , any terms cz i dont want him to overthink & i couldn’t actually heal from him ( v ) cz my boyf alwys bringup my pastttt , ech & everytime ! even after knwing i was so so sooo traumatised by him , i frgtted my ex who i had 9 ( y ) & a half years w after this tinder guys exist ( v ) , but i couldn’t get over the tinder guy easiky , it was fcking hard :sob: , so ya , i really thought he was over my past but he isnt & after i left him & when hometown ( jb ) , we were doing ldr ( 3months ) , he actually did alot of shits behind my bck , he cheats , he isnt loyal , he flirts w so mny girls & he evn claims himself single to mny girls & he acts like he’s loyal infront of me & i get to knw all this after i went bck to him ( kl ; its a city ) , after checking his phone , istg i really thought that the reason he was cold & distant during ldr bcz he isnt okay w ldr & so on but no he lost feelings & he cheats ! but i openedup to him abt all the things i found out abt him through his phone , he was so chill , he didnt even feel any sorts of guiltyness & he just said " oh okay , yk everything dy right ? so just leave , noone’s asking you to stay " thatsall :broken_heart: , i was crying & begging him ! all he did was hit me , & he blames my past for his actions ! he said he couldn’t cope w my past & he choose to do ■■■■ bck in order for him to feel better , which doesn’t make sense at all , there’s alot happens but idk how to explain more !!! :broken_heart: do you think he really loves me ? or my past just bothers him so much till the fact he couldn’t actually process anything abt me into his lyfe anymore ? i just dk :sob: , he was a gentleman earlier after this issue , he changed to a regular man , he was so so sooooo a GENTLEMAN earliwr , hed go so transparent abt whtv he does , so honest , loyal & so on ! he’d share everything to me , i was the only prsn he wants to spend time w , bck then i had ego a lil but now , i dont hv any sorts of ego , sense , pride or whtsoevr :sob: , i just love him so much that i turned myself perfect for him but he changed this way now , he was so eagerly looking frwrd for me to heal from this guy ( v ) bck then but now when im so over ( i get over this tinder guy aftr cmg bck to my hometown cz i had peace & the peace made me to accept my past cz there’s noone nagging or pin pointing my past all the time like he does to me :sob: x i had soace to actually breathe & i did fully accept my past & heal throughly ) & im head over heal on him now but turnsout to b this him :broken_heart: . what am i supposed to do & wll he change bck to the old him ? cz i really miss the old him & us :') strong text

Hey
U deserve better
Dont let others dictate how u should feel abt yourself
You belong to yourself
Enjoy ur freedom