What exactly is this thing that I’m experiencing and what do I do about it? I’m not too sure where to start with this, but this has been bothering me and I guess any input is appreciated (it’s been a lot of radio silence recently whenever I try to talk about it). To put it directly, I’ve been having thoughts about dying for years now though these thoughts come and go. It’s never about how I’d do it though, just about how I’d prefer to no longer be around. A few things I’ve tried:
- Think about what caused these thoughts. There’s not much I want in life, I can only see life getting tougher (climate change, inflation, etc), and I guess I’m tired of trying to survive
- Talk to family/friends. My family stresses out when they hear about it and even told me to stop talking about wanting to die cos it upsets them. My friends have reduced their replies, I guess because the topic has tired them out. We still talk about other casual things
- Seek outside help. Professional help requires time and money, both of which I can’t afford much of right now. Commute requires time. Actually texted SOS twice but I feel like I’m not in need of urgent help so I don’t want to burden them and use resources when there are probably others who need it more than I do
- Journalling. To be honest, I get lazy at times but I do try. It relieves a little bit of those feelings but recently, what I’ve been needing is some form of response. Acknowledgement or advice, but journalling provides me with none
I never really thought much about my situation, since I don’t think I’m suicidal (as in planning to actually commit suicide). But recently I chanced upon the term passive suicide and the more I research about it, the more I think it seems to apply to me. I’ve even thought about my funeral, how my loved ones will react, and what happens to my belongings. Initially, I thought such thoughts can at least help me stay strong (think about the emotional pain you’d cause them! How could you bear to do that!) but…it’s come to a point where I’m thinking they’ll eventually learn to deal with it so I’m better off gone.
Recently, things seemed worse. I am growing distant from family since they’ve been more committed to outside events. I tried to tell them about how I feel but it’s been brushed aside a few times and I don’t feel like putting in the effort to talk about it to them anymore. Friends have been busy, and I guess their lives already has a lot of negativity so they can’t spare energy to deal with mine. Affordable counselling is either out of my age range or too far (can’t afford time to travel when time is money at work). What are the options I have now to handle this situation?
Regardless of whether there’s any feedback, thanks to those who actually read and tried to understand what I just poured out despite the lack of organisation and haphazard thoughts
Dear @attunedwillow3604
Thank you for reaching out. I can see how much you are hurting. Please know that it is understandable that you feel unsupported at the moment as you have noticed family is becoming distant and friends are occupied with their own issues.
However, please know that you do not need to face this journey alone and there is professional support available that addresses your needs. These are:
a)national mindline reachable at 1771. This hotline operates round the clock so immediate support from counsellors is available. The counsellors can also connect you with suitable resources that meet your needs
b)service wayfinder tool and resources available at mindline.
https://www.mindline.sg/mental-health-service-providers/start
You can use the service wayfinding tool to locate providers near you who do not charge for their services and give you the option to do sessions online if you prefer.
I also recommend self care as I have seen that it can be an effective way to help you eliminate harmful thoughts and adopt a healthier perspective. Self-care offers countless benefits, such as reduced stress, better emotional health, and improved resilience. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
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Prioritise sleep.
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Show yourself some kindness by creating honest, specific, and positive affirmations. For example, you might say, “There will be good and bad days, but every day is full of potential,” or “I am loveable, I am worthy, I am enough.”
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Make healthy food choices. Eating a balanced diet can contribute to better moods, mental clarity, and overall energy levels.
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Exercise.
You fully deserve support so please reach out soon, I believe it can get better by taking small steps forward.
i understand what you feel. i felt like this for the longest time. i understand what you feel and i completely agree. i wont sugarcoat it, life is actually getting tougher, especially when you take the state of the world into consideration. however, there might be hope. i mean eventually our life will end and though it makes sense to end it now, perhaps there are more things to experience before leaving. perhaps we can try to look for nice things before leaving this world. i remember when i was 14 and suicidal. i couldnt take it. my friends got tired of me and eventually abandoned me because i was “being too negative”. my parents had no idea what to do. honestly id go as far as to say that even the psychologists and sos people couldnt do ■■■■ for me. i still struggle with constant existential dread but at this point ive come to terms with it. i am taking anti depressants (ive been taking them since 14) and it has helped a lot. i journal everyday. it has helped a lot as well. journalling helps me be more aware of my own thought patterns and why i think and believe the things i do.
your family doesnt seem to be offering enough support for you which sucks. i understand you must feel really lonely. and also some people might say “if you feel lonely just make friedns” but obviously it doesnt work that way. if you try to make friends by saying “hey i feel lonely wanna be fiedns” the first thing that person will do is leave you (speaking from experience). youre in a tough situation. im really sorry to hear that. do youhave any hobbies? anythign at all that makes you want to experience more of it? sorry if there are many spelling mistakes, im in programming class right now.
Firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for typing out such a detailed response. I will definitely look into reaching out to the mindline options you’ve mentioned.
As for self-care, I do try what I can. I’m in a profession that allows me very little sleep if I truly want to do my job well. Sometimes, I’ll get a few more hours if I slack off a little in terms of what I should be doing. It doesn’t get me into trouble, but doing less just doesn’t sit right with me due to how my work will affect my clients. Of course, there are days I’ll tell myself if 80% is all I can afford to do today, then it still counts as doing my best.
Affirmations are difficult for me. I understand what you mean by how we are often kinder to others than to ourselves. But it’s hard for me to believe the affirmations that I deliberately try to tell myself. For one, I don’t think I’m loveable. And based on how the people around me view and treat me, I don’t see myself as important. I guess I’m in a state where I think my existence doesn’t matter. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting to be kind to them, to love them.
Diet and exercise can be tough to do, especially when I’m tight on time but I’ll try what I can. And I’ll try to put more effort into it too and see where it leads.
Thanks once again for the time you put into replying. I was afraid that I’d get radio silence like how I do in real life when I talk about such issues. I truly appreciate it!
Hey, thanks for replying even when you’re occupied in class. It’s very kind of you. Thank you also for sharing your experience, and for being honest about it instead of saying things will be fine. I guess at a certain extent, things will be fine but it just doesn’t feel like it and pretending to trust such a claim is pointless.
It’s inspiring to hear how you chose to seek help, even at a young age of 14. It makes me feel that I should be braver and be more active in my search for help instead of lurking online so I think I’ll take the advice from the other comment and reach out to available platforms.
If you don’t mind sharing, how do you cope with friends thinking you are too negative? I know we can make new friends, but does it mean that I’ll have to actively refrain from sharing negativity? Right now, I feel like I’m being a burden to share my negative thoughts with my friends, so I ended up keeping my mouth shut. Initially, I could talk to my family, but it seems they have grown sick of it too. Besides journalling, which I’ll try to do more consistently now, how do you manage the thoughts and relationships?
To answer your final section about hobbies, I finally have some adult money to spend on a hobby but it’s a solo thing so it doesn’t really give me the opportunity to make friends. I’m also considering to drop it because it does cost quite a bit and money needs to be used for some recent, more urgent family matters. Besides, I find myself having less time for it too and it doesn’t give me the initial sense of accomplishment anymore.
A close friend of mine also once asked me if I had anything that I could look forward to that can help me get through dark thoughts. It was a tough question and it still is, as there really isn’t much that I really want. Desires are also a tough thing to deal with, since it might lead to stress if desires are too strong and difficult to attain.
Anyway, please know that I really appreciate that you took the time to read and reply with such honest opinions. I hope life treats you well
Dear @attunedwillow3604
You are very welcome and we are here to support you. Yes, there are a wide range of mindline resources and I’m glad you are going to explore them.
From your sharing about your approach towards work, I can see you take a lot of pride in your work and serve selflessly with a heart. These are deeply commendable.
Understandably you feel drained after giving so much, so may I gently suggest to explore ways to recharge yourself regularly through small acts of self care. I believe a little more balance between work and rest will help so do take small steps to adjust towards it. It is often difficult to pour from an empty cup.
Noted that affirmations are difficult for you. That’s ok, I suggest baby steps here. For example, I believe clients may have given you thank you cards or notes. Collate and read them often, it may help to remind you matter. Speaking to a counsellor on this may also help to unpack beliefs around self worth. Please know unequivocally that you fully deserve love and respect. Remember that you matter and you are already making a difference, more than you know.
Please do take small steps soon to improve your own wellbeing and reach out to the community here whenever needed.