hi! seeking advice on what to do, i’ve been having passive thoughts of suicide for a long time (probably almost 10 years now) coupled with bouts of anxiety every now and then, of course it isn’t a constant thing and i still have moments where i’m happy and can laugh but when everything’s quiet and i have time to think about my life i just have recurring thoughts of “i hate my life” and “i want to die”. i also keep getting images of me like stabbing myself in the chest/head coming into my mind randomly? not that i’ll actually do it bc im scared of pain lol but the thoughts just come. i think it’s been so long that i’ve kind of normalised it; also i study/work in a psych setting so i compare myself with others experiencing poor mental health and feel like i don’t deserve to feel down because relative to others i have it pretty alright. but recently i think the thoughts of wanting to die are stronger, i know i wont actually take my life bc i’m scared lol but i’m just wondering if i should speak to a professional and how that might help. on one hand it would be great to get formally diagnosed bc it’ll help me make sense of what i’m feeling but on the other hand i’m worried what if i don’t meet criteria for any conditions and i’m just a weirdo hahahaha how do i move on from that i just want to stop feeling this way so appreciate any advice :” i’ve tried therapy before but i couldn’t bring myself to say these in session most of it was just spent crying hahaha should i try a psychiatrist instead???
Hi @user8360,
Ten years is a long time to live with those thoughts quietly running in the background and still manage to work, laugh, and keep showing up. That says something about how much you’ve been enduring, even when it looks like you’re “fine.”
When you said those images come suddenly, like flashes you didn’t invite, it made me think of how the mind sometimes throws pictures it can’t yet put into words. I’m wondering if these have been happening more often lately? And when they appear, does it feel like your body trying to shut things off, or trying to feel something again? There’s no right answer, it just helps to know how your pain shows up.
You also mentioned comparing yourself with others who have it worse. That’s something many people in helping roles do, we start believing our pain needs to be justified. But it doesn’t. Your right to care isn’t something you earn by being “sick enough.”
Have you had a chance to speak with a doctor or psychiatrist before about these thoughts? Even if you’ve tried therapy, it could help to get a check-in from someone who can look at both your mental and physical state. Sometimes treatment isn’t about being “diagnosed,” but about getting a clearer map of what’s happening in your body and mind so you can rest a bit easier. If you were ever prescribed medication, staying consistent really matters, not because it fixes you, but because it steadies the ground beneath you while you heal.
And yes, you do deserve to speak to a practitioner again. The goal isn’t to prove anything, or to “move on,” but to start where you are and be met there. Therapy doesn’t have to begin with full sentences; sometimes it starts with tears, and that’s okay.
For now, maybe the focus isn’t on what label fits, but on how you’re coping moment to moment. You can always call for guidance and direction, just reach out to SOS (1-767) or WhatsApp Mindline (1-771); they’ll hold that space with you until it passes.
If those images or thoughts of dying start feeling too loud, pause and remind yourself: “these are thoughts, not commands.” You’ve carried this for a long time, it’s okay to let someone else carry a bit of it with you now.