potentially having borderline personality disorder, struggling with the relationship with the fp

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i suspect i have borderline personality disorder because when i am angry, my anger is so intense ill feel my skull crushing my brain, when i am sad my heart feels heavy and painful and my stomach hurts, and i keep having intense fears that my friends, or more importantly, my perceived favourite person, will get drained from talking to me and abandon me.
i have been unhealthily concerned about my relationship with my perceived favourite person, im deeply afraid that i genuinely scared them away and theyll leave me.
i talked to them apologising for unintentionally triggering their rejection sensitive dysphoria (which i can relate to) and they said they would stop replying to all our friends’ vents. but now their abnormal silence towards my private social media vents makes me realise i panic without them and that i truly do depend on them for support.
im scared because school starts soon and im horrified that they will leave me when they get the chance, and i dont want to express any of this because itll stress them more and potentially even cause them to stay further away from me because i keep triggering their rejection sensitive dysphoria. i just dont want to lose her.

can anyone relate? :frowning: how do i even know if i actually have bpd or its just teenage hormones?

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Hey @July,

First, I just want to acknowledge how much you’re feeling right now. It’s clear that your emotions are intensely strong, which can be quite challenging to manage, particularly when relationships seem to be in a precarious state. The fear of losing someone important to you can make every small action or inaction from them feel magnified, and I hear how much distress this is causing you.

I want you to know that your emotions are valid. Feeling deeply isn’t wrong, and it doesn’t mean you’re “too much” for others. It simply means that your heart holds a lot, and when something feels uncertain, it shakes you to your core. That’s real, and I see how exhausting that must be for you.

From what you shared, it sounds like this person is very important to you, almost like an anchor. And when their responses change, it sends your mind into overdrive, making you feel like you need to hold onto them even tighter. Have you noticed moments where you felt okay, even when they weren’t around? If so, what were you doing then?

I also hear that you’re afraid to express yourself fully because you worry it might push them away. That sounds like such a heavy weight to carry—wanting to be heard but also fearing that being open will cause distance. I wonder—if we flipped that around, how would you feel if a close friend of yours felt they had to suppress their feelings just to keep you in their life? Would you want them to feel like they had to shrink themselves?

You also mentioned wondering whether your emotions are signs of BPD or just teenage hormones. That’s a valid question, and I can see how much you want to understand yourself better. A diagnosis, if necessary, can help with gaining clarity, but at the same time, your experiences deserve attention and care whether or not they fit into a specific label. Have you thought about speaking to a professional about these fears—not just for a diagnosis, but to help you feel less alone in managing these feelings?

You are not alone in this. The fact that you’re reaching out shows just how self-aware and emotionally intelligent you are. Your feelings may feel all-consuming now, but they don’t have to define who you are forever. There are ways to feel more grounded in yourself while still maintaining the closeness you crave in relationships.

Would you be open to exploring what it might feel like to find stability within you, rather than just through others? I’d love to hear your thoughts. You’re not a burden, and you don’t have to go through this alone. :yellow_heart:

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