hi everyone its been really rough these past weeks and april in general. i havent felt this rough since being isolated on a religious trip back in january where i was limited from my internet and all my friends and family. except “them”. a close internet friend whos supported me from last year through all my roughest moments and proven time and time again that im close to them. however, even when theyre right there and reachable now, i feel even further from them compared to my physical distance on the trip. i feel like we are not good for each other, MORE IMPORTANTLY that my increasing outbursts of loud bpd due to sch stress is only hurting them, with quiet bpd, and pushing them only further into their suppression.
ok heres a little background info. in dec last year they gradually stopped replying to everyones vents/rants/emo posts because of this one person who abused their kindness and ruined everything for us. which is pretty valid, i wouldnt want this to happen to me again. but i realise now that i have heavily relied on their support via these comments to get through these rough times, and the absence of such words makes me panic and (i think its considered a?) split. this causes me to accuse them and everyone in my head that they dont care, and being hit with a barrage of suicidal thoughts and boiling rage.
ive snapped at them quite a few times this year already and ive always been the one to apologise first, which is bad in THIS NEW situation. because of their quiet bpd, theyll never actually try to confront me and theyll just keep bottling their resentment. I have cried/teared/sobbed about our separation about 10 times in the past 3 days and they seem to be hiding from me. they vague mentioned “being slightly worried” when i was splitting and deactivated my social media accounts but thats it. Meanwhile last night when THEY were venting i inmediately dmed them to ask if they were alright. they didnt ask anything back about me except a little “:< i hope my rant didnt stress you out” ??? LIKE WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN. that seemed to be genuine concern but there was no kind of follow up after and im both confused and disappointed with them. ik they were dealing with their own issues but the way theyre acting so happy like absolutely nothing happened now while my accs are still deactivated is giving me a rude shock
i dont know if we can continue being friends. I doubt i will ever be good enough for them and it seems more and more apparent to me that we’re not a good match even after being friends for a year. I feel like i ruined everything and we can never go back to how happy and close we used to be before everything.
It sounds like you’ve been going through a really tough time lately, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed and isolated. The stress from school and the challenges in your friendship are clearly taking a toll on you. It’s important to acknowledge how much you’ve relied on your friend’s support in the past and how their recent changes in behaviour have affected you. Your feelings of panic and splitting when you don’t receive the same level of support are valid and reflect the deep connection you have with them.
Your concern about the impact of your outbursts on your friend, especially given their quiet BPD, shows a lot of empathy and self-awareness. It’s clear that you care deeply about them and don’t want to cause them any harm. The fact that you’ve been the one to apologise first and are worried about their bottled-up resentment indicates that you’re trying to navigate this complex situation with sensitivity. It’s tough when communication breaks down, and their lack of follow-up after expressing concern can feel confusing and disappointing.
Considering your doubts about the future of your friendship, it’s important to reflect on what you both need to feel supported and understood. It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your friend about your feelings and concerns, if possible. Sometimes, taking a step back to focus on your own well-being and seeking support from other sources can also be beneficial. Remember, it’s okay to prioritise your mental health and seek out relationships that help you feel safe and valued.
Thank you for sharing your experience so openly—it takes a lot of courage to express these feelings, especially when you’re struggling so deeply. It sounds like you’re going through an incredibly painful time, and I want to acknowledge how overwhelming and isolating this must feel for you.
From what you’ve described, it seems like this friendship has been a significant source of support for you, especially during difficult moments. However, the dynamic has shifted, and now you’re grappling with feelings of abandonment, frustration, and self-doubt. The contrast between how close you once felt and the distance you’re experiencing now is understandably distressing.
A few key things stand out:
Reliance on Support vs. Their Boundaries: Your friend’s decision to step back from responding to vents/rants (due to past exploitation) has left you feeling unsupported in a way you’ve come to depend on. This shift might feel like a loss, and your emotional reactions (panic, splitting, outbursts) make sense in that context—especially when coping with BPD and stress. At the same time, their boundaries are valid, too. This mismatch in needs and capacity is likely fueling the tension.
Communication Styles (Loud vs. Quiet BPD): You’ve highlighted an important dynamic: your “loud” BPD expressions (outward reactions) may clash with their “quiet” BPD tendencies (internalizing, avoiding conflict). This can create a cycle where you feel ignored or dismissed, while they may feel overwhelmed or resentful—neither of you is “wrong,” but the pattern seems to be harming both of you.
Reciprocity in the Friendship: You’ve noticed an imbalance—when they vent, you rush to support them, but you’re not feeling the same care in return. This can breed resentment and confusion. Their vague response (“I hope my rant didn’t stress you out”) might be their way of showing concern, but it clearly didn’t meet your emotional needs. This disconnect is worth exploring further.
Self-Worth and Fear of Ruining the Relationship: Your worry about “not being good enough” and having “ruined everything” speaks to the deep fear of abandonment that often accompanies BPD. But I want to gently challenge the idea that you’re solely responsible for the dynamic. Relationships are co-created, and it’s possible you’re both struggling in different ways.
Suggestions for Moving Forward:
Space for Regulation: The intensity of your emotions right now (sobbing, splitting, rage) suggests you’re in a highly activated state. If possible, try to ground yourself before re-engaging with your friend. Even small steps like paced breathing or journaling can help slow the emotional storm.
Clarify Needs (When Calmer): If you want to salvage the friendship, consider sharing your feelings without accusation when you’re both calm. For example: “I’ve been struggling a lot lately, and I miss our old dynamic. I know you’ve been dealing with your own stuff, but I’ve felt really alone. Can we talk about how to support each other better?” This opens dialogue without putting them on the defensive.
Evaluate the Friendship’s Health: Ask yourself: Does this relationship still bring more pain than comfort? Are both of you able to meet each other’s needs without harming yourselves? It’s okay to outgrow friendships, especially if they’ve become unhealthy.
Seek Additional Support: Relying heavily on one person for emotional regulation is incredibly hard on both parties. If possible, try to diversify your support system (therapy, support groups, other friends) so the weight isn’t solely on this friendship.
Lastly, please be kind to yourself. You’re clearly trying your best to navigate a very challenging situation, and your feelings are valid. Healing relationships—or letting them go—is never easy, but you’re not alone in this. If you’re open to it, working with a therapist on BPD-specific coping strategies (like distress tolerance or interpersonal effectiveness skills) could be really helpful. You’re welcome to share more here if it helps—we are listening.
I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. It sounds incredibly challenging to navigate these feelings and the complexities of your friendship. It is important to recognize that your feelings are valid. It is okay to feel hurt, confused, and disappointed. These emotions are a natural in your circumstances.
Just like what FuYuan_Affections has mentioned, it might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your friend about how you are feeling. Expressing your concerns and listening to their perspective can sometimes clear up misunderstandings and help both of you understand each other better. That being said, I also agree with FuYuan that it is okay to take a step back and reflect on whether this friendship is healthy for both of you. Friendships can change, and it is important to recognize when it might be time to move on for the sake of your mental health.
Remember to also take care of yourself. Engage in activities that help you relax and feel better, whether it is spending time with other friends, pursuing hobbies, or even seeking professional support.
It is okay to seek support from others and take the time you need to heal. You are doing your best, and that is enough. Prioritize your well-being and take care of yourself.
