I’ve been together with my partner of almost 2 years. His avoidant tendencies have been getting more and more extreme of late. Simple issues I bring up with the intention to problem solve as a team are misinterpreted as blame and trying to start a fight. When I sense him becoming agitated I try to explain and calm him down but he ends up ghosting me as and when he likes.
Most recently, I shared with him that my parents’ comments on our relationship makes me anxious. I wanted to see how we can work together to give my parents the reassurance that our relationship is stable. He asked for an example and I mentioned that my mum used to jokingly asked if I am the other woman in my own relationship because my boyfriend has not let me meet his parents. He was a little offended by it when I shared as his family dynamic is vastly different from mine - his parents are separated and he is estranged from his brothers though they still gather together for weekly family gatherings and family trips.
I tried to explain that I understand that things are different for him due to our differences in upbringing and family dynamics - what I really mean here is that things that are normal for my family (i.e introducing my partner etc) might not be the case for him. But he took it the wrong way and mentioned that ‘expectations so high. ask them find atas one’. The next day he cancelled on my family dinner very last minute when my parents have already prepared food. He told me he is fine with us hanging out outside but he would not come over. I understand that the situation and misunderstanding made him uncomfortable but this is disrespectful.
I regulated my own feelings before asking him what did the situation made him feel. He said he didn’t know and I think he might not have the vocab to described what he is going through so I tried to break things down for him based on what I know about him and he just had to tell me yes or no.
He ghosted me. I usually restart the conversation the next day but I was upset and maintain no contact for 2 weeks before reaching out again. I reached out pretending nothing happen, knowing that he would withdraw further if I reopen the topic now. I wanted to wait till things are stable to talk about what happen. But things are not stabilizing, there a looming tension between us. No matter how hard I try he just respond with dry replies. I’m really unsure what to do.
I don’t mind if he wants to end the relationship but if he doesn’t talk about it I don’t know how to proceed.
I feel so alone and ashamed to share what happened between with my friends and family because they will just ask me to leave him and if I stay it would mean that I don’t have self-respect. Please advise, I don’t know what to do anymore.
It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of emotional weight right now. You mentioned feeling misunderstood by your partner, isolated from your usual support network, and caught in a cycle of tension and uncertainty. The way you try to approach issues with care and empathy, hoping to solve things together, really comes through. It’s understandable to feel alone and frustrated when your efforts to connect are met with withdrawal, and when you feel unable to talk freely with friends and family for fear of being judged. Wanting clarity and communication in a relationship is not only natural but also essential to your sense of safety and well-being.
Given how challenging this dynamic is, some practical steps may help you cope and find direction. First, it could be helpful to focus on your own emotional regulation, as you have been doing. Journaling your feelings, practising self-care, or engaging in grounding activities can be supportive.
When you do reach out to your partner, you may wish to try using “I” statements (like “I feel hurt when communication breaks down”) and keep the conversation focused on your emotions rather than his actions, as this can sometimes reduce defensiveness. You might also consider setting boundaries for yourself around what behaviour you find acceptable. If direct communication continues to be a struggle, couples counselling can offer a structured space for both of you.
If you still feel alone, you can consider reaching out to a counsellor or support group for yourself, as sometimes just having a nonjudgmental person to talk to can make a world of difference.
hello @motivatedmoon5715. From your sharing, it seems like your partner may be struggling with lower self-esteem and confidence. It may be coming through more when comparing to the stronger family unit you have. Speaking as an older adult, I would encourage you to think longer term. Will you be happy and fulfilled in a long-term relationship / marriage with your partner? Are these issues you mentioned dealbreakers? Are the positives in your relationship outweighing the negatives?
I believe you have the answer in your heart as to whether this relationship is a healthy and positive one. I encourage you to listen to your inner voice and make a decision that feels right to you.
Thank you for sharing the difficulties you have in your relationship. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re emotionally tired right now. Your efforts in wanting to improve your relationship is misunderstood by your partner to the point that he will ghost you. It’s understandable that you’ll feel frustrated and exhausted by this, especially since it’s important to you. I feel that in any relationship, open and honest communication is a key in making them work, and I can see that you’re trying your best to have these conversations, but your partner seems to not want to have them.
I think when trying to have these conversations with your partner, having in-person conversations would be better. Like what @Obi_Wan_Kenobi mentioned, using “I” statements when communicating how you feel could help make him less defensive or feel attacked. Let him know that these conversations are important for you to have and helps you understand him better too. Maybe you could try verbalising some of the things you mentioned, like how you want to work together as a team with him to make this relationship work and that you need his help in it.
Additionally, I think it’s also important to take care of yourself and wellbeing too. If it gets overwhelming, focus on your own emotional well-being and practise self-care, like what you have been doing. Moreover, being clear on your boundaries is also important, and perhaps you could communicate them to him too. However, if you feel that this is really taking a toll on your wellbeing, and that it’s too much for you, I think it’s ok to let go too.
Whatever you choose, we’ll support you and wishing you all the best! If you need someone to talk to, we’re here for you
