Hi, I’m a 21 year old pansexual who is in a relationship for 9 mths. I met my girlfriend thru work and she was swwet, nice, caring and affectionate in the first few months. People would say it as a honeymoon phase. Later on my depression relapsed and i had to stop school and work for a few mths, now I’m on meds but homestly i knw it’s not getting any better and my relationship is affecting it. Since then our relationship turns to a unhealthy one. We argue most of the time. Shes and avoidant and I’m anxious. I’ve let her known that how much reassurance i needed and after the talk everytime she will be cooperative only for a few weeks then will just get to normal as cold and inconsistent. She thinks loving a person doesnt really needs to be shown always, she is the type that would rather choose friends, family and work i stead of me, which makes me feel so small and unimportant in this relationship. We’ve argued, fight many times and i have been so open about how are actions affect me and makes me feel hurt. All she said during then was sorry and she will change but it’s always going the same pattern. We both are really tired but i cant let go cause for me, this relationship is smth i really wants a future tgt with but she thinks I’m controlling and I’m always sensitive. But what about me who has to keep quiet when she does things that will affect and gaslight my ownself everything will be fine ?
Thank you for trusting us with something so personal. It sounds incredibly painful and exhausting to be in a relationship where you’re already struggling with depression, and on top of that, feeling unseen, unheard, and unchosen by the person you love. Your need for reassurance, consistency, and affection isn’t “too much” or controlling, it’s a real emotional need, especially when you’re anxious and trying to heal.
It also makes sense that you’re conflicted: wanting a future with her while feeling hurt over and over again by the same patterns. That push-and-pull can really mess with your sense of self and make you start doubting your own feelings, even though your hurt is valid. You’ve been open, you’ve communicated, and you’ve tried and all that matters ya.
You’re not weak or overly sensitive for wanting to feel safe and important in your relationship. You deserve care that doesn’t require you to silence yourself or gaslight your own pain just to keep the peace. I’m really sorry you’re carrying all of this, and I hope you know your feelings make sense, and you’re not alone in them. 
Dear @TTTTT
Thank you for seeking assistance to sort out what you are going through.
I see that you are currently experiencing a lot of pain and this explains why you feel exhausted, hurt, and confused. I think your needs of wanting reassurance, consistency, and emotional closeness are fully valid and does not make you controlling or “too sensitive.”
I also see that currently you are stuck in an anxious–avoidant cycle. When you ask for closeness, she pulls away, and you end up silencing yourself to keep the relationship going. The most concerning part is that this relationship is worsening your mental health, not supporting it, and that your needs are acknowledged but not sustained in action.
From your sharing, I see that you have told her what you need. Your partner acknowledges and adjusts her behaviour for a short period after you give feedback but then she goes back to her original cold behaviour. This cycle then repeats. I believe she does care for you, but she is not able to meet your needs in a consistent way.
May I recommend these steps for your consideration:
-Avoid minimising your needs to keep the peace. Your feelings are real.
-Decide and communicate your non-negotiables (e.g., consistency, reassurance, feeling prioritised).
-State one clear boundary: what you need to continue, and what happens if it doesn’t change.
-Seek support outside the relationship from a therapist, especially while managing depression.
I have observed that a good relationship benefits when each partner is committed to put in sincere effort into building and growing it. The outcome is that in it both partners feel safe, valued, and supported. This support is what you need. I recommend it would be good to take stock and review your relationship with your partner with honesty. 