Each of us go thru different life paths and experiences. Just to share mine that has taken away Most of my confidence and Self Believe.
Growing up, even some of my teacher told me I am an “ Airhead” ( Nothing inside the brain ) .However, I manage to teach myself Greek Alphabet and Numbers up to 20 and Identify different languages like Futhark ( Viking’s Alphabet) and all other things that interest me like finding out that the Nepal Flag is the most odd shape flag in the world. Even when i became a certified Aircraft Technician with a 3.58 GPA I was made fun of and it seemed that no matter how i tried to prove myself that I am not dumb remarks were being made. I empathise with people who try to win their parent’s approval all their lives and forgo their real interest.
In my teens,I met a gal from the internet and shared whatever little interesting things I knew. She turned her cheek away in the cab after learning that I do not have the cash to splurge. I went home, with sand in my feet, and just cried on my pillow to sleep. It wasn’t because I didn’t get the girl but I had never felt so looked down apoun. I felt so insignificant, small and worthless. I still remember that feeling to this day of how broken I felt and that Money, Status, Popularity, the 5Cs etc is all the rave with the world and not the heart of someone.
Fast forward to a few years back, I made friends with a 55 year old lady whom made me feel just as bad. In the 8 years of knowing her, she moulded me to be someone that she could marry. I am not attracted to her that way - Just wanted to be friends but I felt so sick to my stomach that I am “ Not good enough the way I am “. Not even for a frumpy old lady. Only when i realised after a mutual friend pointed it out, that I woke up and realised that I do not know who I am anymore.
I struggle to find my confidence back in myself after that happened.
Don’t get me started about my physical appearance. Cause I learned that society is very shallow. I have a belly due to medication - weight gain in antipsychotics and been made fun of and judged by family,friends and general public.Be too skinny and people will tell you to eat more, Be too chubby they ask you to lose weight and eat a salad. What i learned is that just be contented and love who you are in the moment and even if you want to lose or gain a few extra pounds, it should be on your terms and for you. Not to impress others.
The thing is, Judgement from people we value their opinions is what will affect us the most. There is no wrong in trying to improve but it should not come at the cost of losing one’s confidence or self essence or winning approval.
Among my fear’s is being self deluded. Thinking that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am Enough. What I understand is that Nobody is perfect and we all have flaws. It’s actually to embrace ourselves with all the flaws that we have. There is a time and place to self improve however it is not saying we do not do anything at all to improve but knowing that we should love ourselves enough to move ahead in life.
Honestly I think the fear of being self deluded is also fear of being judged by other people. At the end of the day, when we are by ourselves, we should love who we are.Gaining the Confidence back is a process of self love and not minding if people thinks that we’re deluded.
To end this post, Here is an empowering song by Sia Titled Titanium.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxnpFKZowcs
Don’t Let nobody tell you you arent enough ( Im reminding myself too )
It certainly does not sound smooth-sailing and the experience you’ve accumulated have taught you a lot regarding self-esteem. I can’t imagine how it must’ve felt hearing the things people have said to you or done towards to you that had shattered your self-confidence… However, I also see your resilience on display as I sense you bouncing back and taking charge of your life (cue the song)!
I really like your phrase “the fear of being self deluded is also fear of being judged by other people” which is 2-sides of the same coin. Your ability to take perspective here is a great strength that you can harness when you start to feel overwhelmed with distress.
Remember that you deserve and can get the necessary support you need. Looking forward to hearing from you. Until then, take care!