I keep on ruminating and checking my phone because someone who i feel a deep connection with hasn’t replied me in the past 2 hours of texting them. I’m afraid that this shows that they aren’t putting in effort to want to maintain the relationship. what is my mind trying to tell me through these thoughts and how can I react to them?
hey @user7650, that sounds rlly stressful 
i completely get how even a short gap in replies can make you overthink and spiral – you’re definitely not alone in this 
just wanna gently say: a late reply doesn’t necessarily mean they dc or aren’t putting in effort! as a super slow texter myself, when i take long to reply it’s almost always bc i’m busy, tired, need alone time, or just not in the right headspace to text. it’s never about how i feel towards the other person.
your brain might be jumping to worst-case conclusions bc you feel vulnerable, but there are SO many neutral (and more plausible) reasons for silence. maybe try putting your phone down for a bit and doing sth to distract or ground yourself? you’ve got thiss
2 Likes
Dear @user7650
Thank you for writing in. What you shared is a very familiar scenario for many of us. Thoughts such as “what could be possible reasons the person has not responded” are common. We are only human to have negative automatic thoughts to explain the delay such as “we did something wrong” or “we don’t matter”.
Please know it’s also common to have thoughts spirals like what you have described. Just like what @pinkskies has shared, there are often many understandable reasons for delays. I have observed it’s common for even good friends to delay replying when tired, or they got caught up in something else.
May I recommend some healthy habits as a way of refocusing your attention while you wait for the response? I have also seen that when we pay attention to thoughts, they become more believable and we may think they are the truth. However, thoughts are just thoughts, and often not facts, so do practise holding them lightly. Slowly, these thoughts will lose their grip. I believe this will allow you to be less caught up with thoughts in your mind and choose responses aligned to your values. 
Hey @user7650, I totally get this! I think what you described can be due to an anxious attachment style. I know that it can feel like the other party doesn’t care to reply back, but remember that they have their own life too! Perhaps they could be taking a nap, busy with work/school or just spending some time away from their phone - it doesn’t mean they care about you any less! I think that it may be helpful to put yourself in their shoes, for instance, when showering/sleeping you are unable to reply to notifications right? You can slowly try reconfiguring your thoughts in a more positive light by doing so. Remember, their lack of response for a while does not equate to a shift in your relationship. If it helps, you may also try sharing some of your worries with them and ask if they’re comfortable sending you small updates before they go offline. This could be as simple as sending you a “hey i’m going to take a nap, will text you in a few hours!” text which could ease your nerves.
1 Like
i get you! i off my notifications banners and enable them to show on my notification screen instead, but i end up constantly swiping my screen down to check if people who are important to me has messaged me - and if they don’t, i sometimes feel unheard, unseen or not cared for, so i see you. as the previous replies have mentioned, there are a plethora of possibilities/reasons why they may not have texted back, that it makes it hard to explain that they are simply uninterested - though it could be one of the many reasons. feeling a deep connection with someone doesnt always have to look like a constant tie, texting/calling back and forth to know if they still want to keep up the relationship. maybe you could also look at the smaller things - if there are, that shows you they still care for you and love you as a friend even if they aren’t constantly texting you! what works for me may not work for you but throwing out my take that hopefully gives you a different lens to look from, and hopefully reassures and encourages you :,) you are seen and remembered!
1 Like
Hi @user7650, it must’ve been a challenge to deal with those unwanted thoughts even though our mind tends to lean towards them 
Its normal to want a quick response from others and even moreso from someone whom we are close to and believe we are important towards. Sometimes our mind puts relationships into equations, where we expect certain results if certain conditions are met e.g if they value the relationship = they would reply our messages promptly. These ‘equations’ help us understand things around us though there are many exceptions such as what @pinkskies mentioned.
I’m not denying that there’s a possibility of the other party not putting in efforts to maintain the relationship and instead think that perhaps we can include their personality and other past actions/behaviour to make a better judgement of their efforts/perception of this relationship. Another we can try to react is to be curious and communicate our curiousity towards the other party in a friendly way, what do you think? 
1 Like
Hey there, thanks for sharing something so personal. What you are feeling sounds really uncomfortable, and I’m sorry you’re sitting with that anxiety right now. When your mind does this, it’s often not telling you facts about the other person, it’s expressing fear. Fear of being forgotten, of not mattering, of getting hurt again. Especially if you’ve been through loss or inconsistency before, your mind learns to stay on high alert to protect you.
Those thoughts are trying to say, “I care deeply, and I’m scared of losing this.” That doesn’t mean the fear is true. It just means the connection matters to you.
When this happens, try to gently notice the thought instead of arguing with it: “I’m feeling anxious because I care.” Then remind yourself that a few hours of silence doesn’t equal lack of effort. People get busy, tired, or distracted in ways that have nothing to do with you. You don’t have to decide what this means right now.
If you can, place your phone down for a bit and do something grounding like taking slow breaths, a shower, a short walk or anything that brings your body out of alarm mode. You’re not wrong for feeling this way. Be kind to yourself in the waiting:)