Self help with anxiety

How can I uncover the root of my anxiety?

I have read self help book and read online where one could do some exercise for self-help CBT.

I’m having social anxiety. I fear losing my friends ( a particular one actually). I know people come and go in your life but losing a best friend just seem to much for me to grasp. My best friend recently got into a relationship and as she spend more time with her new bf, I felt abandon. We used to talk and text each other often but now she seem so distant. Also I feel lonely. I never had such feelings before. This felt almost like a breakup.

My recent anxiety trigger was caused by her not replying my text. She could be busy with her currently new life now. I don’t know how she is doing right now. And I can’t get any info when she don’t return my text msg.

I need help to unroot my anxiety. What am I afraid of. Losing the friend. Being alone and abandoned as I am getting older. I run through these thoughts and I am willing to accept if our friendship is ending. It’s not the end of the world. We can always make new friends and move on in our life. But I am not able to do this if I can’t get to the bottom of my emotional attacks.

I read self help CBT could help with this and I’ve seen some exercise that could focus on such things but I’m not sure which one I should do.

try to reach out to ur school counsellor if u r still in school. as someone who went thru cbt n recovered until dormant for my anxiety disorder, i can roughly describe it as tracing ur present fears all the way back to childhood things that happened. then start challenging those thoughts w evidence that those fears arent true. the neuroplasticity will slowly shift the neural thought pathways to something more healthier the more u practice it. feel free to chat if u wanna be frens

Hello,

Unfortunately to put it directly and honestly, it is very difficult to uncover the root cause of your anxiety without the help of a therapist or counsellor.

In essence, it’s kind of like trying to self-diagnose a physical condition by ourselves. We can go websites like ‘mayoclinic’ and try to self-diagnose but ultimately a specialist is what will be able to reliably assess and determine our situation.

I’m really sorry to hear about your social anxiety, especially with regards to the fear of losing your friends. I honestly don’t know what to say as I can’t fully understand the pain of what you’re going through but I want you to know that the people of ‘let’s talk’ forum are here for you. It must be very difficult to traverse through friendships with this psychological roadblock in your life. I wish I could be there in real life to give you a listening ear.

Perhaps you can try to talk to your parents or family about this? I’m sure that they can provide valuable insight on your feelings and help you through your issue. Seeing a Counsellor or therapist would of course be the ideal course of action as they can provide evidence based CBT.

It would be best to visit them and ask for their guidance on how to perform self-help CBT. For now, perhaps you can practice mindfulness based practices to help regulate yourself better. This is somewhat related to CBT too in that it helps in cognitive reframing.

Hope the best for you.

Hi @Anonymous418,

Thank you for opening up about what you’re going through—it sounds like you’re navigating a really difficult emotional space right now. It’s completely understandable to feel anxious when such an important friendship feels distant, especially when it seems like you’ve lost a connection you once relied on.

You’ve already identified some key factors that might be contributing to your anxiety, like the fear of losing your friend and the sense of abandonment that comes with it. It’s worth exploring if there’s a deeper fear underlying this: What does losing this friend represent for you?

By understanding the emotional weight you’ve attached to this friendship, you can start to see if there are underlying fears that might be driving your anxiety.

Right now, it sounds like your friend’s actions (or inaction, like not replying to texts) are triggering your anxiety. This happens when we rely on others to provide emotional reassurance, and it’s completely natural to feel hurt when someone we care about feels distant. However, this dynamic can leave you feeling emotionally dependent on their responses, which isn’t sustainable in the long term.

Could it help to practice focusing on yourself in moments like this? Try grounding yourself by asking, “What am I feeling right now, and how can I take care of myself in this moment, without relying on my friend to make me feel better?”

It’s clear that a big part of your anxiety stems from the fear of being abandoned or alone. It’s really important to validate these feelings because they speak to a core human need for connection. But sometimes, when we feel like we might lose someone, it can lead us to focus too much on that fear, which makes us more anxious.

It’s great that you’ve been exploring self-help CBT as a way to manage your anxiety. CBT focuses on identifying and challenging unhelpful thought patterns and replacing them with healthier, more balanced ones. Since you mentioned being unsure which exercises to try, here’s one that might help:

  • Cognitive Restructuring Exercise: This technique involves identifying your anxious thoughts (like “I’m going to lose my friend” or “She doesn’t care about me anymore”) and then challenging them by asking questions like:
    • What evidence do I have that this is true?
    • Are there other possible explanations? (For example, could your friend just be busy, rather than intentionally avoiding you?)
    • *What would I say to a friend in this situation?*Once you’ve challenged those thoughts, try replacing them with something more balanced, like, “I’m feeling anxious because I miss her, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about me.”

It’s okay to feel sad and anxious about this shift in your friendship. You mentioned that this almost feels like a breakup, and it’s important to give yourself space to grieve this change. Friendships, like any relationship, go through transitions, and it’s perfectly normal to feel lost during these times.

The feelings of anxiety and abandonment are valid, but they don’t define your worth or your ability to maintain relationships. Friendships evolve, but that doesn’t mean you’re losing everything. You’re learning to navigate the changes, and by focusing on yourself and your emotional needs, you’ll be able to find some stability.

What are your thoughts on starting with one or two of these suggestions? Do any of them feel helpful right now?