Im young, yet I still feel old and weathered. I can barely remember events from 2 years ago. I get more forgetful by the day. I still vaguely remember how it was like to feel, to experience the world around me.
Now I laugh, I smile, I act like a normal person, yet inside I feel empty, as there is nothing to be felt. My mind feels like it is at war with itself. I see my friends and family plotting behind my back, trying to out me down, cast me away, waiting for the moment to betray me. They’ve pushed blame, argued pointlessly and done things that make no sense just to try and put me down. My mind feels fractured. One portion wants vengeance, to push back and fight to right all the wrongs others have done to me. Another portion wants to let go, to be free of life. A third portion wishes to commit to complete logic, following instructions and rules as long as they follow a logical reasoning, sentimentality being completely null and void in consideration. Yet another values friends, trying to keep them by my side, while another tries to push them away, keep me in solitude where I can make my own decisions. I cannot hold up much longer, events are going downhill, Ive considered suicide more than once this month, while I act like nothing is wrong as, in the end, if anyone finds out, they will use it against me. I do not know what tag to put this under, nor do I fully understand what I am experiencing. I am begging whoever is reading this to help me understand. Sometimes I cry in my bed, sometimes I laugh. Am I going insane? Am I broken? I don’t think like how I used to . Even writing this I cant seem to find the words in an orderly manner to say. The world is against me, those I know plot against me even though I know they don’t, my mind fights with itself, I have taken up the knife at least once this year. It gets hard to remember, when I can’t feel or understand the true emotion to associate memories with. No one understands when I try to explain. Please help me, please, I’m crying but feel no sadness, I don’t understand.
hey there, it sounds like your mind is really overwhelmed right now. you’re not insane or broken, you’re human, and sometimes as humans, we don’t really understand ourselves and that’s ok.
it also sounds like there are anxieties regarding the people around you, i don’t know the specifics but for this line, ‘ I know plot against me even though I know they don’t’ is it more of your mind telling you that people are against you or is there evidence? if it’s in your mind, i can understand how frustrating it must be, trying to balance the logical side with these thoughts. if these people are carrying out actions against you, then maybe you could reconsider keeping them as friends. True friends wouldn’t be plotting behind each other’s backs and if they cause you more negative emotions than positive then can they really be considered friends?
regarding the lack of feelings, maybe you could try doing something you enjoy? like any hobbies, or interests. also, i can’t guarantee you that things will get better but you can try to make it better, you don’t have to do it alone either.
Hi @Xenorstar ,
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way, and I want to let you know that your feelings are valid. It sounds like you’re in a place where everything feels like it’s falling apart, and that can be incredibly overwhelming. It can feel like you’re being torn between so many different parts of yourself, and that can create a lot of confusion and emotional exhaustion.
You mentioned feeling empty inside, yet still going through the motions of laughter and smiling. Are you putting up a façade to mask the pain you’re feeling? It can be exhausting to pretend that you’re okay when you’re not, but I’m really glad that you’ve reached out to talk about it. It takes a lot of courage to share what you’re going through.
What you described about one portion wants vengeance, to push back and fight to right all the wrongs others have done to me. Another portion wants to let go, to be free of life. A third portion wishes to commit to complete logic, following instructions and rules as long as they follow a logical reasoning, sentimentality being completely null and void in consideration. It’s clear that your mind is at war with itself, pulling you in different directions, and this internal conflict can make it hard to trust your own thoughts or feelings. The confusion you’re feeling right now is a sign of that internal tug-of-war. Whilst it can be scary that we may not have all the answers right now or even to feel like we’re not sure who we are anymore. That doesnt mean that we wont find our way there eventually.
You’re not alone in this, even though it may feel that way. Many people experience similar feelings, and while it might not seem like it now, things can get better with time, support, and small steps forward. I know it feels hard, but asking for help and seeking understanding is already a big step in the right direction.
The fact that you’re able to express what you’re feeling here is an important sign of your resilience. You’re reaching out, trying to make sense of what you’re experiencing, and that’s a strength in itself. You’re not broken—this is a difficult time, but it doesn’t define you. Your feelings don’t mean you are “insane” or beyond help. You’re struggling, but there is hope for you, and you don’t have to go through this alone.
Have you had a chance to talk to someone about what you’re feeling? Sometimes it can be really helpful to have a space where you can just express everything that’s going on in your head. Also, when you’re ready, we can work together on exploring some healthier coping strategies that might help you navigate these overwhelming feelings. Take it one step at a time, and know that it’s okay to ask for help and take breaks when you need them.
You don’t need to have it all figured out today, but we are here to listen, and we believe that you can find your way through this. Stay strong. We believe in you.
Thank you reading to my post. I’m very grateful for the advice you have given me but my mind still tries to sabotage me. Several recent developments have been concerning. My classmates have not noticed it yet, I think, but I feel like I act differently than before. I was an usher today for a school event, but I could not find the courage in myself to try and talk to anyone. My mind is sabotaging me again, a part of it saying that I was completely fine. My music taste has been changing over the past months too. I used to love action filled, very fast-paced songs. But now I am drawn to melancholic, sad songs, especially those with mentions of death, severe injury, depression or heartbreak. Songs that bear a negative association, like those that Ive seen associated with animatics or depictions of the things Ive described above, also tend to attract me. I find myself listening to them for hours, trying to drown out my thoughts and stay in the music. My hobbies have become boring, their appeal largely reduced. My book choices have almost all had antihero protagonists. Studying has become a headache and I find it hard to think straight when trying to study. Failures piles up in my mind. It just wont stop. I found myself handling rope today to tie knots for a structure. It should be easy to infer what I ended up thinking.
As for people that I can turn to, I simply dont trust those around me anymore.My parents dont feel trustworthy, their comparisons between me and my brother and friends makes it impossible for me to try and raise anything personal without unecessarily dragging others into it. Similarly, my friends don’t take me seriously, or at least that is what part of me is saying. I feel like I dont know my friends well enough to confide something like this to them. I will try to seek out the help of my school counsellor.
Here are some songs Ive been attracted to lately. Make of them what you wish.
Shallan’s Lullaby by TheBlackPiper
HOUDINI by AViVA
DARKSIDE by Neoni
Lullaby for a Princess by Ponyphonic
As for the facade hypothesis, part of me vehemently rejects this, while another says that it’s completely fine for me to have this. I am stuck in a state of believing it one moment and rejecting it the next.
Hope this information will allow you to be able to figure out more of my situation. I’ll try to organise a session with the counsellor, and I’ll update you with how it goes. As for now, I’ll try to sleep. I’ve been twitching in the night, and it gets very hard to do so. Thank you for being here for me.