I need better coping mechanisms.
Last night, I simply made an observation while playing games online with my friends. Suddenly, two of them started ‘attacking’ me for my comment, although I clarified that I did not mean it in a negative way, and one started accusing me of thinking they were selfish. I was taken aback cause I had no idea where it was coming from. I did not participate in the rounds they were playing together, I only observed quietly and only made one single comment at the end when they stopped playing.
I wanted to retaliate that they were being rude out of nowhere, but decided against it because I did not want to start trouble in the group chat as I felt it was not worth it. I made further observations and noticed that they might have felt frustrated because the previous rounds weren’t played ‘properly’ because the new people did not know how to play and blindly played against them. I understood their frustrations, but I, too, felt frustrated because they directed their frustrations at me even though I took no part in it, and even if I did, it was purely coincidental and definitely not intentional (there’s a deeper background behind this but perhaps I will not bore you with the details).
As I decided to take a step back by not retaliating, I was left frustrated with myself. I’ve ranted to a few other friends, but it still hasn’t alleviated my frustration. Now I’m here replaying what happened over and over in my head and different scenarios where I would have retaliated or would have privately messaged them about this, and it is affecting my focus at work. I do not think I should still reach out and message them about this because the situation has been forgotten and ‘moved on’. And considering they did not feel like they were in the wrong about this, it felt like I would just be talking to a wall.
So now I don’t know what I should do to ‘move on’ from this situation as well.
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Hello,
Sounds like you are feeling frustrated because you feel misunderstood and blamed by your friends. You seem to feel a sense of injustice and that ‘it’s not fair’ you’re being treated this way.
Many a time, it is perfectly natural to feel this way, as each of us have an individual point of view, and our POVs are not always aligned with each other. Arguments are perfectly normal and are essential in progressing friendships, be it negatively or positively.
Personally, I do not think there is any need to ‘move on’ from this situation. Rather, you can confront them directly and settle this through a mature conversation. Express to your friends your perspectives and how you felt through the issue, and in return allow them to express theirs as well.
Through this, your friendship has the potential to grow and become stronger. If you just let it get ‘buried’, you may find that you will have simmering unhappiness throughout the years that gets unresolved, which may manifest in other ways such as angry behaviour or overthinking towards your friends. This is my personal advice as this was a situation that I have experienced personally, and I want you to avoid it as much as possible.
There is a possibility your friends and you may ‘break up’ after this discussion. But I believe if you approach is maturely and good naturedly, it is unlikely. It takes two hands to clap, and similarly, arguments require two sides, not just one. If your friends insist on your fault and continue to blame you or even gaslight you, well they’re not very good friends aren’t they!
All the best!
Hi hwaselli
Thank you for bringing the issue of coping with interpersonal conflicts which I believe many of us can fully identify with. It takes courage to reflect and seek better ways of coping so well done on taking this first step. Feeling frustration is valid. It’s normal to feel upset when misunderstood or unfairly targeted.
May I suggest some effective strategies to help you manage your feelings and move forward. 
- Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness exercises such as deep breathing or meditation to calm your mind and reduce ruminating thoughts. This can help you regain focus at work and alleviate stress.
- Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings about the incident. This can provide clarity and help you process your emotions without external confrontation.
- Limit Ruminating: Set a timer for how long you will think about the incident each day. Once the time is up, redirect your focus to other activities or interests.
- Physical Activity: Engage in physical exercise, which can be a powerful way to release pent-up frustration and improve your mood.
- Talk to Supportive Friends: While you’ve already ranted to a few friends, consider discussing your feelings with those who are more neutral or who understand the dynamics of online gaming communities.
For upcoming interactions, recognize that not every conflict needs to be addressed immediately. Sometimes, allowing time for emotions to settle can lead to more constructive discussions later.
If similar situations arise in the future, consider addressing them directly but calmly with your friends. Use “I” statements (e.g., “I felt confused when…”) to express how their actions affected you without placing blame.
If certain interactions consistently lead to conflict or discomfort, it may be beneficial to set boundaries regarding how you engage with those individuals in gaming contexts.
Focus on playing games or engaging in activities with friends who foster a supportive environment, which can enhance your overall gaming experience.
If feelings of frustration persist and affect your daily life significantly, consider talking to a counsellor or therapist who can provide tailored coping strategies.
By implementing these strategies, I believe you can better manage conflicts and enhance your emotional well-being in all interactions. Start small and keep at it with self compassion and patience!