this is probably not the right place for me to come and if this is too much please feel free to take down the post
i dont really expect anyone to be able to help or responses or anything just kinda need to get things off my chest
the past few months have not been the easiest for me.. been struggling with my mental health for a few years now and these past few months have been extra worse in a rather disorienting way.. i honestly dont realise how bad its gotten until i step back and take a look at exactly whats been happening… i used to be so aware of whats going on in my head but i am so lost and confused these days.. ive been in the hospital thrice these past three months (both psych and general wards) which is absolutely wild to me… dont even know how it got to this state… its actually been four times in the past year! and i only realised all of this drama happened within the span of a year because all four of my hospital bracelets say 19yo on them
ive been slapped with so many diagnoses at this point i dont even know what to call it until now ive never felt like a sick person but now i genuinely do… don’t even know what im upset about because on paper i should be doing really well… school and work are better than ever… minus the part i had to take time off of school because i was in and out of the hospital
i recently unfortunately survived an attempt (which the healthcare professionals are aware of no need to worry) and after i got back from the hospital last week i thought i felt fine and it was out of my system… but the past week i find my mood slipping and getting worse which is terrifying to me… i dont think my self esteem could handle another hospitalisation and im genuinely so embarrassed and ashamed… and im so scared of going back to that dark space
im so sick of all this and just want one day as a normal person… i feel like i can make nothing of my life with my health and i feel so shattered… everything feels so meaningless and i feel so sad
Hey @crabs. I just want to say, I’m glad you chose to share all this bravely even if it’s difficult. I can feel how much pain and shame you’ve been carrying. This isn’t “too much”. This is a heart that’s been through a lot, and is still trying to be okay. That takes so much strength.
I can feel how tired you are, not just physically, but from holding all this in. I know it can feel like everything is unravelling, like you don’t even know how it got this bad, but maybe you don’t need to make sense of it all right now. Maybe all you need is a space to say, “I’m hurting, and I need support,” and not have to apologize for it.
The hospital visits, the shifting diagnoses, the internal chaos… it makes sense why you feel disoriented, why you’re scared of going back to that dark place… But none of that cancels your worth. It just proves how much you’ve been fighting, even when it doesn’t feel like you are.
But please hear this: Just because you’re struggling right now doesn’t make you broken. You’re still you. Still whole. Still deserving of care.
Even now, even in this hard place, you matter. Not for what you do, or how “normal” you seem, but simply because you exist.
If you feel up for it, what’s one small thing that gives you even the tiniest sense of comfort?
We’re still here with you, and you are not alone, okay?
hey, thank you for being brave enough to share all of that. it’s honestly a lot to carry, and just putting it into words like this shows how much strength you actually have—even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
you’ve been through so much… four hospital visits in a year is not small at all. and to be honest, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken—it means you’ve been trying really, really hard to stay afloat while dealing with something really heavy. feeling scared of going back there makes complete sense. you’re not alone in that fear.
it’s okay if you don’t feel “sick” but also not okay. it’s okay to feel confused when everything looks fine on paper but feels like it’s falling apart inside. sometimes healing looks like survival, and sometimes survival doesn’t feel like much—but it’s still valid.
i know you’re tired and ashamed and hurting, but none of those feelings make you any less deserving of care. you matter even when you feel like you’re crumbling. you’re not beyond hope or healing. you’re still here—and that means something.
for now, maybe don’t try to figure everything out at once. maybe just focus on getting through today gently. one hour, one moment at a time. and please, stay close to those professionals who know what’s going on—you don’t have to carry this all alone.
you deserve peace, even if your brain tells you otherwise. keep holding on. you’re not too much. you’re not broken. you’re trying—and that’s everything.
Hi @crabs it sounds like such a difficult past one year, and well past 3 months even. I hear that the recent hospitalisations has made you feel like someone who is sick – and that shift is probably really disorienting too.
It’s really scary to be in this position and to be struggling with your mental health. It was and has been scary, but you are not alone. There is no shame in going through a difficult time, and no shame in whatever that happens next. Recovery is not linear and can be windy, but whatever happens and whatever that looks like, you matter and are important.
It sucks and am here resonating with the fact that being sick absolutely sucks. But also earnestly hoping and excited for you to have the good days ahead too.
thank you for replying @crabs… i hear the weight behind your words, and i just want to sit here with you in it for a moment—not to rush you out of it or tell you to “think positive,” but just to acknowledge the ache you’re carrying.
when you say “i really am broken”… it sounds like someone who’s been through so many storms that it’s hard to believe there’s still something whole left inside. but i also want you to know this: broken isn’t the same as ruined. you can be in pieces and still be real, still be worth loving, still be allowed to take up space.
and when you say your life isn’t going anywhere, i wonder if that’s the exhaustion talking, because sometimes the brain gets so tired it stops being able to imagine a future… and that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. it just means right now it’s really hard to see.
you don’t need a big reason to keep going. sometimes the smallest reasons are enough—like hearing a song you used to love again, or finding someone who understands a little. and if you can’t find a reason today, let this space hold it for you. let the people who care about you carry some of that until you’re ready to hold it again.
you’re not alone, okay? even when it feels like it. even when your mind is telling you otherwise. We are still here with you. and you still matter…in whatever state you are in.
until now ive never felt like a sick person but now i genuinely do… don’t even know what im upset about because on paper i should be doing really well… school and work are better than ever… minus the part i had to take time off of school because i was in and out of the hospital
i like those little nutella biscuits 
