Hi so I’ve been dating this guy for 10 months so far. He treats me well and etc. however his relationship with his elder sister weirds me out. Today my curiosity got the best of me and hence I decided to snoop through his telegram and WhatsApp chats on his laptop. I went straight to his messages with his elder sis. Apparently he said something completely different to her compared to what actually happened. He was the one who pursued me at the start but he made it seem like I wanted to pursue him to his elder sister. He could tell about his feelings for me to his second elder sis and his friends but he lied to the eldest throughout the convo. He also hid his profile pic (it was my face) from his elder sis. I had his face as my profile pic and she basically commented that I was weird for putting his face as my profile pic and that I’m insecure. He agreed with her and he said that I’m weird as well. His elder sis tried to break my boundary by invading my personal space a lot of time and not to mention that she was weirdly sarcastic with every short convo we had. (Like she barged into his room to see me when I didn’t want to see her , he had to carry her out. When I was leaving the house she ran up to talk to me and I was taken aback - this was our first meeting and she said am I mute for not responding. ) He created a group to talk to her about her invading my boundaries and in their personal chat she mentioned that I’m a fighter (sarcastic). I don’t understand why he didn’t reveal how he truly felt for me to his elder sis. I can speak up for myself yes but I think it would be weird speaking to her when I don’t have a close rs and I don’t understand why he can’t stick up for me. When one of his friend mentioned something about me he got mad and confronted him. But yah. Also like he mentions really detailed version of our personal sexual life to his friends. It seemed like he shared a lot about that and it made me feel uncomfortable. Why is that the only thing he could take about? Idk what else but I feel like the person that I chose to date was completely different from who I really thought he was. Thank you. Also I spoke to his second elder sis about this incident and did mention about my snooping as well which isn’t good but yep. I guess I’ll let this go with the flow or see what I can do about it? Also May I know what I can do to resolve this situation or like idk. I’m really confused
Hi dear, I am glad you find it comfortable here to talk about what’s bothering you, thanks so much for sharing. It does sound like a lot, and after reading through your entire post, I can sense how lost you may be feeling with regards to the situation at hand. Considering that it involves a number of people and a number of things, including your boyfriend’s relationship with his sister, as well as how he speaks of you with his friends, I can see why it is a complex situation for you. I hear that you wish to seek a solution and I can understand the urgency of it since he is a significant figure in your life. On that note, I was just wondering how you have been coping with all this thus far, and what have you tried to manage your relationship?
Seems like you’re closer to his second elder sis. What does she think about their eldest sis?
She mentioned that the elder sister is usually like this. Like she likes to get involved into your own personal life. She mentioned that the eld sis likes to provoke people as well. Idk why she has to do that but she seems so immature and rude. She’s a doctor as well. How can someone with her character work in the healthcare industry. It’s literally ridiculous. The second eld sis also mentioned that she’s someone who doesn’t understand people’s boundaries and that she finds it weird if someone is introverted.
Seems about right when you described how she barged into the room and made you feel uncomfortable.
I personally think it’s probably a clash of personalities between you and his elder sis. Sometimes this can be mitigated over time as both of you start to know each other better but sometimes it doesn’t get better too. I’m not sure how much your boyfriend means to you but it seems like there are some trade offs if you continue being with him. Ultimately it’s whether you can accept these trade offs (eg his eldest sis always stepping on your toes).
I also think snooping isn’t the way to go. I learnt it the hard way in the past - it’s the fastest way to lose trust and destroy a relationship. If you decide to do it then you’ll need to be prepared that he might just end this relationship.
Thank you for coming forward and sharing something so personal to you. The situation you’re faced with sounds pretty complex and I can imagine the struggle in trying to navigate a situation so delicate, especially when various parties are involved. I hear that this situation has left you feeling confused and perhaps uncertain about your relationship. It can be challenging to discover discrepancies in the way your boyfriend communicates with his elder sister and to find out that he shares such intimate details about your personal life with his friends. It’s completely natural to feel uncomfortable and unsure about these behaviours.
It’s important to acknowledge that relationships can be complex, and people may have different ways of interacting with their family members or discussing personal matters. However, it’s also completely understandable that you expected your boyfriend to be more supportive and transparent with his sister about your relationship.
I would encourage you to firstly take some time to reflect on your emotions and concerns surrounding your boyfriend’s interactions with his elder sister. Consider how these incidents have affected your trust, boundaries, and overall perception of the relationship.
If the relationship is something you still very much value and you’d like to work on addressing these issues, perhaps you’d like to have a conversation with your boyfriend about this. Although it could be challenging given everything that has transpired, try approaching this conversation in a compassionate and understanding manner - you can express your feelings of confusion and hurt while emphasising that you genuinely care about him and the relationship. Let him know that you value open and honest communication, and that you would like to better understand his perspective on these matters. While it’s essential to address the concerns you have about his sister’s behavior and his sharing of intimate details, it’s also important to listen actively and give him an opportunity to explain himself. Try to create a safe space where both of you can express your feelings and concerns without judgment.
Should you decide to sit down and have a conversation with him about this, try sharing your feelings and observations without blame or accusations by using “I” statements. “I” statements are helpful in expressing how his actions made you feel, rather than making assumptions about his intentions. In doing so, he is less likely to retaliate defensively and this would hopefully allow space for the both of you to have a constructive open conversation. To illustrate, instead of saying “You’re out to embarrass me/You don’t care about how I feel”, you could say “I feel over-exposed/embarrassed when such intimate details of our personal lives are shared with others”. You may find out more on how to use “I” statements here: ‘I’ Statements Instead of ‘You’ Statements in Arguments.
Moving forward, perhaps it would also be in both of your best interests to communicate your expectations and discuss your boundaries. Clearly communicate your expectations regarding communication, boundaries, and privacy within the relationship. Discuss how you would like him to support and stand up for you when it comes to his sister’s behaviour, and emphasise the importance of mutual respect.
If the situation becomes overwhelming or if you find it difficult to resolve these issues on your own, you might consider seeking the support of a couples therapist or counsellor. They can provide guidance and facilitate constructive communication between you and your boyfriend, helping you work through these challenges together.
Remember, your feelings and needs are valid, and it’s important to prioritise your emotional well-being. Trust your instincts and make decisions that feel right for you as you navigate this situation.
Hope this helps and we wish you the best!