For the first few 6 months I was struggling with a severe miserable mood swings. Every few days I would become so miserable and I would feel so empty and cry. I was so sad. I didnt felt connected with my friends and I isolated myself as I cried about being left out too. But ever since I started hanging out with my friends I felt a little self of worth and overall I started to improve in my mental state. But I cant help but feel like something in me died. Like when I am doing something that would send me spiral like for example I would struggle so much with overthinking if my friends hating me, what if I messed up. But now I just get over this like I just lost something that made me, me. I dont know how to explain very well. Like my brain is just so silent now after months of overthinking. And now Im just suffering from brain fog where nothing just come to my mind its just empty. I have been doing well mentally. Its just that I dont know if I crave to be miserable again cause Im so uncomfortable with being fine and just okay. Like I really think I lost something that was like me. How I acted now is not what I would act before and it just leaves me upset because I still want to be me before since Im so used to it I didnt even realise that it was gone you know? Please help me to understand myself thank you..
Hey @ais, thank you for reaching out and sharing this here! It takes a lot of self-awareness to notice whatever you’re describing, and even more courage to put it into words!
It really sounds like you’ve been through a really painful period, and somewhere along the way, you found your footing again! But instead of that feeling like relief, it feels strange…almost like a loss? Like as if the version of you that was struggling was still you, and now that that version is quieter, you’re not quite sure who’s here instead.
Honestly, whatever you’re sharing makes a lot of sense. When we’ve lived with intense emotions for a long time, the overthinking, mood swings, deep sadness and all, they become familiar. They feel like part of our identity, even when they hurt us 
So when they start to fade, it can genuinely feel like grief, not just relief…You might even find yourself wondering, “if I’m not the person who feels all of that, then who am I?”
The brian fog and silence might actually be part of your nervous system adjusting to everyone…since it has been in a heightened state for so long, and it’s learning what calm feels like. That can definitely feel disorienting, even wrong, esp when calm is unfamiliar.
I’d like to ask you this, when you say you wonder if you crave the misery again, do you think it’s the misery itself you miss, or is it more that you miss feeling like yourself? Because those are 2 very different things, and it’s worth thinking about!
If you’d like to speak to someone over the phone, you can always reach out to National Mindline 1771, okay? You can call them at 1771/whatsapp them at 66691771. They are available 24/7!
To be honest when I crave misery I think its the misery itself. At the same time it hurts me because its one of the only thing I know during the period of time I feel like it comforts me too I guess? Thank you for helping by the way 
I really appreciate you being so honest about that! It’s not an easy thing to admit to, and it actually shows a lot of self-awareness that you can name it so clearly
Whatever you’re describing sounds like comfort in familiarity…even when what’s familiar is painful. When misery has been your constant companion for months, it starts to feel safe in a strange way. It’s predictable and you know how to navigate it. You now know what to expect from yourself when you’re in it, and in that sense, yes, it can genuinely feel comforting, even as it hurts you at the same time. Both of those things can be true at the same time.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong feeling this way. It doesn’t mean you want to suffer, it may just mean your mind learned to find stability in the only thing that was consistent during a really hard time.
The discomfort you’re feeling now is unfamiliar territory! And unfamiliar can feel unsafe, even when it’s actually healthier for you. Your mind hasn’t quite learned yet that calm can also be a place you belong