how do i fix myself, i want to restart my life a new i’ve messed up so much am i dramatic or is my life really messed up i’m confused about my family, my father has always been a cheating wife beater ■■■■■■■ while my mother is too busy working her butt off as my father doesn’t really help much. As soon as i turned 9 i started seeing my mummy lesser and lesser i’m currently 15 and i utter approximately 3 sentences to her everyday sometimes i fall asleep before she even comes home. I hate my father but i feel rather conflicted towards my mother shes the only parental figure i’ve ever had though shes caused me some permanent emotional distress, i was regularly beaten as a child when i’d make silly mistakes. Once i was struggling to do division and had a whole file throw at me but right after she claimed it was discipline and she loved me , she would always trauma dump and say she was struggling and stuck with my father because i was born and she had to stay for me which only made me feel like a burden, she’d always lock herself up in a room and threatened to kill herself or move out and leave me when she was upset, she’d say she had to take antidepressants because i made her so awfully miserable this made me despise myself leading me to cutting myself and when she found out i got yet another beating i can still recall her asking for my cutter so she could cut herself so i’d feel the pain she felt (i was like 10?), when i banged on the door because i was just a scared toddler i’d get a beating she was also extremely strict over my grades until i was 11 where i assume she gave up on me and started focusing on work this is the point where i felt as if i lost my mama. On the other hand my father was a nasty cheating alcoholic that would pick fights with my mom for no reason which i assume made her crazy, hes been cheating ever since i started learning how to read alphabets i was even brought for a dinner with him and his girlfriend, he beats my mom and gives no care in the world about me. I have no actual friends i trust and i hate everyone in school everyone is so mean and i’m terrified of socializing the only two friends i have in school don’t actually feel like friends they’re only there so i can survive school and i usually get pissed off at them for absolutely no reason. (probably a me problem though) i overdosed when i was 14 and was thrown in a mental hospital my father could only care about snapping a picture to show his girlfriend how miserable i was while my mom told me she understood it was just a teenage hormone, she didn’t actually understand me. i was then forced into therapy and my mom yet again would trauma dump to me saying she needed the therapy more then i did and asked me to be her therapist. she then took me out of therapy not to mention i got scolded for how expensive the hospital bills were lol i am now 15 i recently just failed my classes and have a chance of retaining i asked my father for tuition and he took my allowance to pay for my tuition my dearest sperm giver brings his girlfriend over on a weekly basis to have sex! so my mom sleeps in my room now and i absolutely hate it. My room was once a safe space for me to smoke and drink the pain away i can’t even crash out in my room anymore i need to skedaddle out of my house to cry on some staircase i know i sound like a horrible daughter but its so hard to switch from being alone to having to sleep with my mom it makes me extremely uncomfortable and she likes to play some of her audios to sleep and it makes me extremely overstimulated i hate every part of life please enlighten me and tell me what to do to make everything better
Hi Melatonin,
It saddens me reading your struggles in life but I am glad that you have made an effort to reach out for support.
Before sharing some possible actions you could explore, I would like you to keep in mind that whatever happened at home about your parents, between your parents, and the way they disciplined you, have nothing to do with you. It is not your fault for them to behave like that. I am sorry to learn that losing the protective figures at home, and the sense of security of home have put your life in chaos and confusions. You hurt yourself by overdose with medications, self-mutilation, smoking, and drinking to distract overwhelmed emotions, but when you were sober you probably understood that all these behaviours won’t help you to overcome your problems. Nevertheless, do note that there are many youths experiencing similar situations like you and struggling in their lives, and you are not alone. Don’t give up hope. There are supports in the communities in Singapore could provide help to alleviate your struggles.
The following are some ideas which you may explore to see which helps better:
- As I can hear that you probably experienced lots of negativity at home and feel stuck, perhaps seeking out to healthy activities in the community services might help you. This is a link to the various FSC (Family Service Centre) in Singapore, https://www.msf.gov.sg/docs/default-source/default-document-library/list-of-fscs-in-operation_updated-mar-2024.pdf?sfvrsn=2437e718_1, you can reach out to one that is near your home. Try talking to a social worker there about your situation at home, and they might be able to provide you more specific help , such as counselling, youth development programmes, etc.
Join their activities and it will open up your mind about life.
- You can talk with your school counsellor or talk to your subject teachers to see if the school could provide tuitions of subjects that you are having difficulty with. I know some schools provide that after school hours.
- At times when home is “too noisy”, you may put on your ear piece and listen to calming music.
- This is a link to a calming breathing practice which you may want to try when you feel overwhelmed. I’m feeling anxious - Mood
- Choose an exercise ( as simple as go for a brisk walk at your neighbourhood), and make a routine out of it. You may realise that if you exercise regularly (i.e everyday, 30mins a day for at least 5 days a week), you will feel your mood being lifted. You can try.
- Find an easy to start hobby, like draw, sketch, doodle can have a therapeutic effect on your mood.
Meanwhile, try to count 1 to 10 and breathe slowly. Say a positive message to yourself, such as “I am worthy of life”.
Take good care of yourself.