Sudden loss of loved ones

Ask a Therapist Coping
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My mum passed away unexpectedly in mid June. It was a devastating shock. There were no signs of illness, no warnings. One moment she was alive and well, the next she was gone. She collapsed on Dad’s shoulder and never regained consciousness. She never wakes up again, no matter how much I call her.

From the moment the medical team arrived, through the ambulance ride to the hospital, I clung to hope. I believed she would wake up. But when the doctor came out and told us they couldn’t revive her, my world shattered. It felt so unreal. We had just enjoyed a wonderful vacation and were heading home. She was even planning our next trip

The loss is still overwhelming. I miss our daily phone calls after work and our shared dinners. I’ve always been close to both my parents, especially Mum. Even after getting married, I made a point to visit them every weekend.

My dad and Mum were inseparable. Both retired, they enjoyed a quiet, domestic life. I’m concerned about Dad, as he’s not one to express his feelings. He appears strong, but I know he’s struggling. They were always together, whether running errands, dining out, or simply relaxing at home. Now, Dad faces a stark loneliness. He does not has a social life. He only does some temp jobs on some days if the kitchen needs additional help.

I’m determined to spend as much time with Dad as possible. Balancing a full-time job, part-time studies, and caring for him is challenging. I feel guilty for not being able to give him my full attention. The constant travel between our homes is exhausting.

I’ve considered moving back to live with Dad, but I hesitated because of my husband’s unhappiness with me being constantly away. Our recent argument provided an opportunity to reassess the situation. I can work from home some days, which allows me to spend more time with Dad.

Honestly, I feel more at peace in my childhood home. My marriage has become increasingly difficult. We’ve been married for fifteen years, but unresolved issues from the past have created distance. My husband’s constant pressure to return home is stressful. I feel torn between caring for Dad and maintaining our relationship. His insistence on Dad’s independence is frustrating, especially given the circumstances.

Mum’s sudden death has left me consumed by fear and anxiety for Dad. I yearn to be with him constantly, to protect him. The thought of losing him is unbearable. I find myself wishing for a different life, free from the complexities of my marriage.

Between money problems, a new job that’s not going great, and all the drama with my husband, I’m at my wits end. I don’t know how to handle it all. I’m really exhausted.

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Hi @Mochi2023 that sounds like a really devastating loss, my deepest condolences. Your love for your dad is so apparent, and I sympathize deeply with balancing caretaking with managing your relationship with your husband.

It seems like you’re having trouble balancing your desire to care for your dad, with your commitment to your husband. I wonder if you’ve had the opportunity to think about these issues in the long term? Is this a lifestyle that is sustainable for you, and if not, what can you do to ease the burden for yourself, on either end? What do you imagine your life to be like one or two years from now if you keep yourself in this position?

You mention that your Mum’s sudden death has you consumed with fear and anxiety for your dad. I wonder if you were to ask your Dad what he wants for his child’s life, what would he say?

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It must be hard to balance the need to care for your dad and your marriage. Have you thought of seeking professional help like a counsellor or therapist? It could really be helpful especially in your case you are trying to balance so many things at once. If you speak to counsellor/ therapist they will be able to better understand your situation and offer advices that might help you.

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Hello @Mochi2023 from reading thru what you have taken the time to write I can sense that what you went thru and are going thru at the moment is definitely not easy and it feels like you bearly had the time to take a breather from all your problems :disappointed_relieved:

Perhaps what you need is some sense of normality like a feeling where how things were the way before? What are some things you enjoyed doing with your mom and dad? Or even just with your dad? It might be good to go for a long walk together or even cook a nice meal together.

It’s definitely not easy for all parties involved and its definitely important to take the time to grieve but personally I feel that it might be good to take the time to celebrate the good memories you had together as well.

Also as long as you are willing to look, there will be people just like us willing to help or provide a listening ear :people_hugging:

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Hi @Mochi2023,

I’m deeply sorry for your loss. It’s clear from your words how much you loved your mother and how close you were to both your parents. Losing someone so suddenly is a profound shock, and it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and devastated.

Your determination to care for your father is admirable, especially given the circumstances. It’s understandable that you’re worried about him and feel the need to protect him. However, it’s important to acknowledge the toll this is taking on you, both physically and emotionally.

The sudden loss of your mother has left a void that feels impossible to fill. The worry and fear you have for your father’s safety adds a layer of struggle for you to cope with. Your marriage is feeling the strain as you juggle multiple responsibilities and emotions. The unresolved issues with your husband add another layer of stress. Balancing work, studies, and caring for your father is exhausting. The constant travel and emotional burden are understandably overwhelming.

The suddenness of your mother’s death increases your fear of losing your father. This fear is driving your need to be constantly present with him. The tension with your husband stems from both the unresolved past issues and the current situation. His insistence on your father’s independence conflicts with your protective instincts. While you’re taking on so much, it’s essential to recognize that seeking help and support is not a sign of weakness but a necessary step to manage this challenging time.

Have an honest conversation with your husband about your fears and the importance of supporting your father right now. Express your need for his understanding and support. Consider seeking professional counseling or therapy. A therapist can help you navigate your grief, fear, and marital issues, providing strategies to manage your emotions and responsibilities. Try to establish a routine that includes self-care activities. Whether it’s a walk, cooking with your father, or any small activity you both enjoy, it can help provide a sense of normalcy and relief. If possible, discuss temporary arrangements that allow you to spend more time with your father without straining your marriage. Working from home some days is a good start.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or support groups who can offer practical help and emotional support. If you ever feel overwhelmed, remember that there are resources available. For instance,

  1. SAMH 1800-283-7019
  2. Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) provides a 24-hour hotline (1800-221-4444) for anyone in crisis.

They can offer support and guidance during difficult times.

Remember, it’s okay to take one step at a time. You’re doing an incredible job managing so much, and it’s important to give yourself grace during this challenging period. We’re here for you, and you’re not alone in this.

Take care and stay strong.