talking to myself!

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1

been looking for place like this(i guess) to talk and write what i want to write.

inside me:

i have anger! i hate myself! i hate everyone! even though i dont have suicide or killing thoughts, im notba killer i know myself.. however i want to die as soon as i could! i want to like sleep and never wake up!

I’ve been living in the exact one day for the last 5-6 years! like its just the same day never felt its tomorrow or the next day! i just all of you! im so disappointed at all human!

from outside:

im a nice guy! i listen to your sh!tty lifestyle and follow with warm open arms!

i developed so sort of physical pain all in muscles and started to have some physical movement problems! after long time i went to a physical massage doctor thinking its the lack of movement and sport! the doctor did some sort of massage treatment test for like 15 mins, then stopped said she cant continue it! i said why, she said your so angry and sad! deep down have too much anger for loooong time maybe for years! i told her how you know exactly that! she said your muscle reflection when i touch them, they reject my massage in very aggressive way! cuz my saddness and anger been building in for long time… she said you must be yourself and talk more and stop listening to others too much! which exactly i was doing with my family and friends! i just listen and never talk… that gave me some sort of brainwashing and led me to forgeting myself and a lot of memories of my life

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I’m really glad you found a place where you could finally say this. What you wrote sounds like years of pain that had nowhere to go, so it turned inward and settled into your body. That kind of anger and sadness doesn’t come from nowhere, it comes from being quiet for too long when you needed to be heard.

I want to say this gently: even if you say you’re not suicidal, wanting to “sleep and never wake up” is a sign that things have been unbearably heavy for a long time. It doesn’t mean you want to hurt anyone, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means you’re exhausted and you want relief.

Living the same emotional day for 5–6 years can make anyone feel trapped and numb, like time stopped moving while everyone else kept going. And the way you describe yourself as always listening, always being the “nice guy,” holding everyone else’s weight, that takes a real toll. When you never get to speak, your body eventually does it for you. What that doctor noticed in your muscles makes sense: anger and grief that are never expressed don’t disappear, they get stored.

I hear you as someone who gave too much of themselves and slowly lost touch with who they were. Of course you feel angry. Of course you feel disappointed. Anyone would, after years of shrinking themselves to make space for others.

You don’t have to suddenly “fix” this or become someone else. But you do deserve a place where you are allowed to talk, not perform, not be strong, not be agreeable but just to be real. A therapist, counselor, or even a support group could help you slowly reconnect with yourself and untangle what’s been buried for so long.

Because you mentioned wanting to disappear, I want to check in with you: are you safe right now? If things ever start to feel overwhelming or like you might hurt yourself, please reach out for immediate help. If you’re in Singapore, SOS (1767) is available 24/7, and you don’t have to know exactly what to say, you can just say you’re tired and angry and need someone to listen.

You’re not broken. You didn’t imagine this. And you haven’t lost yourself forever, you’ve just been silenced for too long. Talking like this is a real first step toward finding your way back. Cheering on for you to feel better…!

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Hey @ExpiredMan,

I keep coming back to your line about being the “nice guy” on the outside… and inside, it’s anger and hate. It sounds less like this is who you are, and more like something you “learned” in order to get through life; listening, absorbing, keeping your own side quiet. That usually doesn’t happen for no reason.

When you said you “just listen and never talk,” I felt curious , when did that start becoming the rule for you? Was it something in your family, school, or a relationship, where speaking up led to conflict, being dismissed, or not being taken seriously?

You were also very clear that you don’t want to harm anyone. Still, the part about wanting to “sleep and never wake up” matters. That sounds like a wish for relief, not weakness.

Whenever you feel ready, it might be worth noticing this gently: if you imagine not listening for once, just saying one honest sentence, what shows up first inside you? Tightness, fear, guilt… or maybe nothing at all?