I can’t cope with the guilt of doing this to myself. I feel like i dont deserve to live. My parents dont deserve a bad son like myself. I repent everyday but whats the point? Its going to be there forever. Its so embarrassing. I cant live but i cant die. Im going to kill myself after my parents pass on so I may join them. At least its not hiv but I just dont want to live any longer than I have to. I dont deserve anything good in this world. I cant live with the guilt of hurting my mother like this. I want to be strong for her but I can tell she was really sad and upset. Im sorry, I really am. I do deserve this in every possible way. I hurt my mother so bad. I cant deal with it.
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Dear @user0420,
It sounds like you’re carrying something so heavy that every part of you feels crushed under guilt and shame. It also sounds like you’ve been pushing yourself to keep functioning, even when your mind and body have already said they can’t. If coping feels impossible right now, you’re allowed to pause. You don’t need to force yourself into breaking.
Your guilt feels extreme, almost like it erased every good part of you. When shame reaches this level, people start believing they don’t deserve love, especially from their parents. It can make you feel smaller than everyone else, and the comparison becomes impossible to bear.
It also feels like you’ve been trying to redeem yourself, through prayer, through being “good,” through trying to fix what happened. But the redemption you hoped for… maybe it isn’t unfolding in the way you imagined. Can I ask gently… what would redemption look like to you? What does “being forgiven” feel like in your heart, not in your head?
You mentioned hurting your mother, and I can hear how deeply that pain sits inside you. But loving your parents and failing their expectations are not the same thing. It’s clear you love them a lot. It’s also clear you didn’t intend for things to turn out this way. It sounds more like the pressure you carried for years finally broke you.
There is also this layer of humiliation, especially because the illness you mentioned feels embarrassing and hard to talk about. Shame can make it feel like the whole world is watching, even when the truth is that many people struggle with STDs and still recover. Treatment exists. Healing exists. Your worth doesn’t disappear because of this.
I want to share something gently. Many people fear that having an STD means they are immoral or “bad,” but STD is a medical condition, not a measure of your worth. Nothing about it speaks to your character.
Across most spiritual beliefs, we’re taught that nothing can separate us from love. Even those seen as “impure” are still worthy of healing and acceptance. Illness is seen not as punishment, but as a test, and mercy is greater than any mistake. Suffering is part of being human, not a sign of moral failure. Illness is a physical experience, not a reflection of your inner worth. And in many teachings, illness is seen as imbalance, not sin.
The message is the same everywhere: You are not disqualified from love, forgiveness, or redemption because of a medical condition. STD does not make you immoral. It does not make you unworthy. It does not mean you are beyond healing; medically, emotionally, or spiritually.
I noticed you said you will only end your life after your parents pass on. If you’re comfortable sharing, what do you feel you’re protecting them from? And what do you fear might happen if you stayed alive even after they are gone? I’m not assuming, just trying to understand the place you’re standing in.
Right now, staying alive isn’t about proving anything to anyone. It’s about easing the pressure on yourself, step by step. You don’t have to punish yourself for being overwhelmed. And you don’t have to sit in this all by yourself.
If the urge to hurt yourself gets stronger or the thoughts won’t stop looping, please reach out immediately:
• SOS 1‑767
• Mindline 1‑771
• WhatsApp counsellors at +65 6669 1771
You’re not evil. You’re not beyond redemption. You’re someone who broke under unbearable pressure, and that doesn’t erase your love for your parents or your worth as a person. Let’s slow this moment down together, one breath at a time. Whenever you’re ready, we can take the next step.
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Hello @FuYuan_Affections
I guess redemption would mean my parents would never have to worry about me and can lead a happy life. I just dont want to end up spreading it or hurting them. Being forgiven probably would mean my parents still love me despite my illness.
Im protecting my parents from my burdens because Im quite sure they wont have the strength to deal with it. I fear losing a big source of my support when my mother dies. I try not to be reliant on her but she means alot to me and I dont know what life has in store for me when she leaves this world, especially with my illness. I really love my mother and would do anything to make sure she gets the best life possible.
It feels like you’re trying so hard to protect your parents that you’ve started believing they need to be shielded from you, your illness, your fears… even your pain. And that’s an incredibly heavy role for you to carry alone.
You see redemption as giving them a life without worry. But worry isn’t a sign that you failed as a son, it’s a sign that they love you. Parents worry because you matter to them, not because you’re a burden. Your presence gives them the chance to love you in the ways they’ve always wanted to.
I can hear how deeply you love your mother, how much you want her to have the best life possible. And I also hear the fear behind that love… the fear that your illness makes you unworthy, or dangerous, or harder to love. That fear is real, and it’s painful. But it isn’t the truth of who you are.
Many people with STDs worry about spreading it or hurting others, but wanting to protect the people you love doesn’t mean you must disappear. Your concern shows responsibility, not contamination. And before anything else, I just want to acknowledge how frightening and humiliating it can feel to carry an illness like this. But illness is not a measure of morality. It doesn’t cancel out your goodness or the love you have for the people around you.
You said forgiveness means your parents loving you despite your illness. I’m wondering gently… what makes you doubt that love now, when they have cared for you through so many other difficult moments? What makes this moment feel so different from before?
I can sense how terrified you are of losing your mother someday, and how much of your safety comes from her presence. It makes sense… she has been your anchor. And trying not to rely on her is your way of preparing for a future you fear you can’t handle. But needing her doesn’t make you weak. It just means you’re human, and you’re attached.
The fear you’re holding… it’s not a sign you’re failing them. It’s a sign you’re hurting. And hurting doesn’t make you unworthy of their love. Your mother has stood by you more times than you can count, why would this illness erase that?
You don’t need to hide to be loved. You don’t need to perfect yourself to be forgiven. You don’t need to carry all of this alone.
I’m sitting here wondering… if all this fear and guilt you’re carrying is really showing how much you long to be held without conditions. And if a part of you already knows your mother has done that before. Maybe the gentler question isn’t “am I forgiven?” but… “what part of me still believes I’m unworthy of being kept close?”
And I keep thinking too… you’ve been trying to protect them from the weight of your pain, but I wonder if part of your healing might come from letting them see the parts of you that feel scared and overwhelmed. Parents often want to walk with their children, not around them. I’m curious what it would mean for you if love didn’t require hiding.
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Sorry for the slow replies. Ive been feeling very depressed and the guilt is weighing down on me.
I think what makes this moment feel so different from others is that my mom does not know what to do with such a situation. No one knows how to react to their loved ones contracting such a disease. My mom might not be able to take it after all. I just dont want to send her down a spiral. I think its me being sexually active despite them warning against that made them all the more disappointed. I dont want to let anyone else know other than my mother of what im going through because I dont know how they will react. At my age, I should be the one caring for them, not the other way round.
I have to be strong and give them a good life to make up for my mistakes. I just want them to know that their love for me was worth it despite my illness. I dont want them to suffer any more. I think for anyone else besides my mom, im just going to have to take this secret of mine to the grave. I must not destroy my family.
Hey,
It’s good to hear form you again.
It sounds like the guilt has been sitting on your chest every day, and I can understand the heaviness makes everything feel slow. There’s nothing to apologise for.
I can see how your greatest fear is trying hard to keep your mother safe, when you said “my mom does not know what to do with such a situation,” it feels like you’re imagining her as fragile, almost unable to survive knowing what you’re going through. And that fear is shaping every thought you have right now. But I’m also noticing something… you’re assuming she can’t take it, even though she has taken so many parts of your life in the past without abandoning you.
You’re not wrong that an STD is scary or confusing for families. But “no one knows how to react” doesn’t mean they cannot love you through it. It just means the situation is new. New doesn’t mean impossible. It doesn’t mean your mother has lost the ability to be your mother. It doesn’t mean you’ve destroyed her.
You mentioned being sexually active “despite their warnings”, like this illness has become proof that you failed them. And that belief is where the shame becomes unbearable. You’re treating your illness like a moral scar, but your mother hasn’t said you’re unlovable. You’re assuming her disappointment before she even speaks it.
I’m also hearing how alone you feel… the fear that anyone beyond your mother would react with judgment. That tells me how deeply you’re protecting yourself right now, not because you’re immoral, but because the shame feels too enormous to expose. And still… you told your mother. That already shows trust, not destruction.
“I must not destroy my family.”… It tells me how terrified you are that your existence, your choices, your illness could collapse the people you love. But you’re talking about a family that raised you through your childhood, your mistakes, your sadness, your growth and they didn’t fall apart then. Why would this illness take away everything they’ve built with you?
You keep saying you “have to be strong” and “give them a good life,” but strength isn’t the same as hiding. Strength sometimes looks like letting someone stand next to you when you’re scared. And giving them a good life doesn’t require you to erase yourself or carry pain until you break.
I’m wondering gently…
If your mother could choose between a son who hides everything alone, and a son who lets her stay close even when he’s afraid… which do you think she would choose?
And what would it mean if her love doesn’t depend on you being flawless?
You’re holding so much fear, but none of it proves you’re a danger to your family. It only shows how much you care about them maybe more than you’ve ever cared about yourself.
Would it be better if you had the chance to speak to a counsellor instead? Allow a counsellor to walk with you as you process your thoughts with clarity. Not saying that you need to be ready to tell everything to your mother. But I want you to be able to talk to health professional, who can help you understand what all this guilt and shame is about without having to carry the burden by yourself. No rush to make any decision, but give it some thoughts at least you feel safe as all conversations, so long your life is not threatened and it poses no harm to others, will remain confidential.
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Hi, a fellow Christian here. Know that God loves you (Psalm 139) and He will never leave you nor forsake you, because you are a child of the Most High. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Place your faith in God and He will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:6).
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Hello,
My deepest gratitude for your kind words. I must apologize as I might have misled you by using the word repent. I meant it in a general sense, as unfortunately, im not christian. Im not completely dismissing the possibility of attending services if I think it could help me cope.
Thanks for the reassurance that love still exists for me, and that I dont have to go through this alone in the spiritual sense at least.
Hi, sorry for the mistake. If you do attend services at a local church, I’m sure that church members would be more than happy to pray for you. Know that people care about you!