I need some advice

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Lately, or maybe the whole of this year, I feel like I’m drowning in guilt because of my actions. There were two occasions where I unintentionally caused hurt to someone. In one of those occasions, the person whom I hurt doesn’t know that it was me who did it. I feel constantly guilty as that person is my friend and now I’m just lying to her pretending that I don’t know what happened. She did smth wrong and I had reported her for it. And now it feels like our friendship is a lie. And when she describe how the teachers approached her, it sounded really scary and she seemed really hurt by how the teachers responded. In the other occasion, I accidentally caused physical hurt to someone and didn’t know until the next day or so. You know, people tell me that it wasn’t my fault but I don’t know I still feel really responsible for it.

Sometimes, when teachers praise me or when my friends say nice things about me, I honestly feel like I don’t deserve it at all. I betrayed my friend and caused hurt to those around me.

I felt like I deserved to be punished and started self harming, thinking it would even out the pain I caused others but every time I just feel like it isn’t enough. And now I find myself in an endless loop of lies, when my friends ask why I have scratch marks I would lie and simply say it was my cat or come up with some accident that happened.

My parents are completely unaware of these things that happen, I for some reason don’t trust them to tell them due to past experiences.

I want to stop self harming. It just causes me more guilt from lying to others. I would talk to my school counsellor, but I kinda ghosted her and avoided her and I personally just don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to her even tho she’s rlly nice because she’ll have to tell my parents and if they knew they wld prob think I’m crazy or smth and say I’m attention seeking.

So is there any way to stop this by myself? I don’t dare to tell my friends either coz I know they’ll prob tell a trusted adult..

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Dear @xeniaa

I am glad you reached out by writing this post today and sharing what has happened. I can sense how troubled you are feeling, blaming and hurting yourself. I observe that you are currently stuck in an endless cycle of guilt, self harm and secrecy. I believe you desire to break free of this cycle as you can already see how harmful it is for your well being.

Firstly, I firmly believe that feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. In fact it shows you have empathy, and a conscience. However I gather the guilt you are feeling has become overwhelming, and you believe you deserve to punish yourself to make amends.

Self harm also suggests to me that you are angry at yourself and feeling highly distressed. I believe it’s your way of trying to cope with very intense emotions. May I gently assure you there are safer, more effective ways to handle those feelings.

Please consider some self-help approaches that have been shown to help reduce self-harm urges and cope with guilt:

-Grounding or soothing activities for urges.
When you feel like hurting yourself, try something sensory but not harmful: holding an ice cube, snapping a rubber band lightly on your wrist, drawing on your skin with a marker instead of cutting, deep breathing, or focusing on a calming smell. This can help ride out the urge safely.

-Writing instead of acting.
When the guilt or self-critical thoughts are loud, write them down. Then write a more compassionate response as if you were comforting a friend. Over time, this helps retrain your inner voice.

-Identifying triggers.
Keep a small journal of when you feel the strongest urges, what was happening, what thoughts or memories came up. Recognising patterns makes it easier to plan alternatives in advance. Practice self-forgiveness, gradually.

Moving forward, may I also suggest the following:

a) If at any point you feel like you’re at risk of harming yourself again, or that the urges are becoming stronger, please reach out for help right away. You can call Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1767 or Mindline at 1771. Both operate 24/7 and manned by caring and competent counsellors. They keep what is shared confidential and listen without judgement.

b) If you feel you might be in immediate danger, call emergency services (995 in Singapore) or go to the nearest hospital.

Granted that you did something that hurt someone; but you also acted based on what you knew then. Reporting someone you thought had done something wrong is not betrayal, it’s a complex moral decision. You’re allowed to have mixed feelings. Working on self-forgiveness might take support from a counsellor or a trusted teacher or family member.

Understandably, you’re afraid of telling your parents and other adults because of how your parents might react. But you don’t have to go through this alone.

Just for consideration, dear. If the school counsellor you ghosted felt safe and non judgmental to you, it might be worth arranging an appointment to see her, giving her another try. You could tell her you’re worried about confidentiality. Request her to explain exactly what she has to report and what she can keep confidential. Sometimes just clarifying that may help reduce fear and worry about seeking help. I have observed that speaking to a counsellor can serve as an important engagement where you learn coping skills, examine / unpack unhealthy thinking or beliefs and replace these with more rational thoughts and beliefs.

Please take the first step soon to address what you are experiencing. Keep reaching out here whenever needed for support. :yellow_heart: