Tips for dealing with loneliness?

Ask a Therapist Seeking Help
1

Loneliness is something I’ve been dealing with ever since I was a kid. I was that one person that no one really wanted, the last pity pick for PE and group work and all that. It’s quite literally become a part of me; I struggle to make connections because of it, I have horrible self-worth, and I constantly fear that the few people in my life will abandon me if I’m not good enough for them.

But I know this isn’t healthy, and I should change before it’s too late. So I’ve been taking steps to help myself using the steps everyone recommends. The issue is that I haven’t made much progress despite spending a year and a half, and it’s a bit frustrating. So I’m hoping to gather some insights on what I can further work on to perhaps solve this decade-long issue of mine.

For the things I’ve attempted; I tried to broaden my horizons by joining a club in university, but it didn’t work out. I thought I could bond with people over shared interest in games and art, but my taste was so different from the stuff everyone else was into that I didn’t manage to make any connections, not to anyone’s fault. Then I volunteered, and while I’m really happy being with fellow volunteers and contributing to a good cause, nothing has come out of it either.

This semester I tried reaching out to more people, but again, nothing of fruition. It’s not like I can’t talk to people. I can work with anyone, and I can mesh well with course mates. It’s just that we’re so different that there’s no connection that can be made. It doesn’t help that I don’t fit the typical definition for a student of my degree; I’m introverted and quiet and like working in the background, out of sight (sometimes I think maybe I’m not made for this world, but that’s besides the point).

I’m also working on myself internally. I’m learning to appreciate the small social circle I still have, and also how to be happy by yourself. It helps, but it’s not foolproof. And my friends and I are at such different stages of life, it’s hard to come together anymore.

Most of the time I can distract myself from the reality but sometimes I’m reminded of how lonely I am and it hurts. People surrounded by groups of friends and passing acquaintances and I’m walking alone to the bus stop. Many connections but no solid friends to tank through the semester (and four years) with in university.

I know relationships are earned, not deserved. I’ve got to work for what I want. But it’s disheartening to put 100% effort and see 0 results, over and over and over again. I want to get better, and get out of this rut, but I don’t know how. If you have any tips on what can be done better, it’d be really appreciated. :slight_smile:

2

Dear @moguri

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your current experience. I agree that loneliness hurts a lot, especially when it feels like it’s been there your whole life.

From what you have shared, it’s clear how hard you’ve been trying. You have joined clubs, done volunteering, reaching out, and courageously working on yourself inside. That effort counts, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

None of this means there’s something wrong with you. It mostly means you haven’t found “your people” or “your spaces” yet, and that takes time especially for quieter, more introverted people.

A few things I want to reflect back to you which I believe will help. Firstly, I see that actually you already connect with people, and you already work well with course mates and volunteers. That’s a real strength. Deep friendships usually grow slowly from small, repeated interactions, not from one big moment. Wanting more connection doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for what you have. It just means you’re human.

May I suggest to keep focusing on small steps, not big outcomes. I encourage you to:

-Talk a bit more with someone you already get along with.

-Invite one person to do something low-pressure (a short study session, a quick snack after class).

-Keep appreciating your small circle, even if life stages are different now.

In addition, may I suggest to work in parallel on what you say to yourself or self talk. I think that you have already progressed and moved past “the kid no one wants” anymore, even if that feeling still lives inside you. You’re a thoughtful, caring person who is actively trying to grow which I think is commendable and precious.

If the loneliness ever feels too heavy, it’s completely okay to reach out for extra support such as a school counsellor. You don’t have to carry this alone.

You’ve already taken so many brave steps. You don’t need to fix everything at once. I encourage you to keep going, one small step at a time.:yellow_heart: