ive been facing alot of pressure recently from myself, teachers and most especially, my parents.
for context, im a sec sch student, 15 yrs old and i just moved to a new country alone for better education. growing up, ive always faced immense pressure from my family to do well, to be the top scorer and win many awards. if i didnt get top of my class or perfect scores, they would question me and say things like “oh how come your friend could get full marks but you cannot?” or “its just this, why cant you do or handle it” and it made me really self conscious about my own self. furthermore, they always liked to talk about me or their disappointment directly in front of my face which really put pressure on me to perform well and if i didnt, i just expected humiliation and would just not show my face in front of my family.
into the present… lets just say my grades have not been so well lately. it might be trouble adjusting because in the first term, my grades were great but it slowly started getting worse and so is my mental being. i have breakdowns and cry almost everyday and my eyes would sting for hours after. ive also started to self harm again and have suicidal thoughts, except this time im getting a lot closer to actually committing and i have already started writing some letters to my family, although i really hope it does not get to that point.
i also had a call with them where i expressed my feelings but they didnt really appear to take it that seriously or maybe it was because i was too busy crying that i wasnt able to fully hear what was going on. the gist of the call was basically me saying that i was under a lot of stress from school and that its starting to impact my mental state but they kinda just cut me off and said that its not really a big deal and im already older now so i should be able to deal with it. i felt really hurt by this and it just feels like they dont value my feelings because it was really hard to expose my feelings to them especially since im practically expressing the feelings that ive harboured ever since i was a child so them laughing it off really just sent me over the edge and now my suicidal thoughts are worse than ever. i even told them abt the pressure that i feel and how i think its due to the fact that theyve been putting so much pressure on me that i simply have no idea how to live without the pressure but like all they told me was that it was my choice to live with the pressure and that i was weak for being unable to handle it.
i feel like im rambling but idk how to properly organise my thoughts but thats abt the gist of the situations, there are other scenarios but i dont feel like i want to say everything just yet so please give me advice and tell me that im not going crazy