I feel ambivalent towards dying (ending my own life). I wouldn’t say that I am actively suicidal (like I want to Immediately act on these thoughts) but I just feel better if I died.
I gave myself a dateline of when I want to die, right now the end date is somewhere next year. I don’t know just having an end date makes me feel better, knowing that I can leave this world soon.
Heyyyyy to your question if it’s okay to feel this way, I think we all allowed to feel what we feel, and these thoughts are okay to have, more often than not, we cant help them… so it’s good to let these thoughts run through, and then consider what to do with them next. I most certainly hope you feel better and I don’t agree with the idea of ending one’s life, because I truly believe we all have our values and we make our values. You are valuable in your own unique ways no one else can be, we all are in our own ways.
What are your thoughts when thinking how you’d feel better if you died? 
Ive already attempted b4 n will never do it again. Its very VERY painful. Feel free to talk about it. My suicidal thoughts were recovered at some point. Life got hard n am suicidal again but wont do anything cuz i wont attempt again
Hello thank you for your reply, appreciate it a lot.
Personally, I don’t really know how to explain this but having a dateline is a coping mechanism for me, it gives me a sense of comfort knowing that eventually I will be able to end the pain. Albeit, it isn’t a healthy coping mechanism but it has helped me a lot…
Hi @Marshmallow.youghurt thank you for sharing such a vulnerable thought with us! Its really scary to be opening up about thoughts about ending your own life.
Your post made me wonder, what is it about having this end date that feels comforting? Is it the feeling of control perhaps? Am curious to hear your perspective!
I can see from your previous posts that you’re also currently seeking help outside. I wonder if you’ve had the opportunity to speak to your therapist about the feeling of comfort that having this dateline brings you?
I want to acknowledge the effort you’ve already put into managing these emotions. From what I am hearing, you appear to feel exhausted from your coping. The sense of pain and hopelessness sounds profound. I want you to know that your emotions are valid, and the uneasiness and sadness you’re experiencing are part of a complex emotional process. It’s important to give yourself permission to completely feel this way when you’re experiencing such deep emotional pain.
I may not fully understand, but I recognize the feeling of ambivalence towards dying and that having an end date brings a sense of comfort. From what you say, it sounds like you’re using the end date in the hope that it will end the pain. Even though it might not be the healthiest way, it tells me that you still have a desire for control and relief. How does that sound to you?
It’s also crucial to remember that while you’re affected by this situation, you’ve managed to come this far with your current coping strategies. Your incredible effort and courage to share and talk about it is inspiring to me. If you ever feel up to it, I’d love to learn more about what has helped you along the way, but only if and when you feel comfortable sharing.
In the meantime, we’re here to listen and support you. Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings as much as you feel comfortable. Your well-being is important, and taking care of yourself is the top priority.
Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Personally I feel that it brings me comfort cause there’s that form of certainty like oh by this date, I’ll be gone so between now and then, I will try to make the most of it. Additionally earlier I mentioned also that it brings me comfort knowing that the pain is not permanent, I can choose to end it, like you rightly pointed out as well that I want to have that sense of control.
I actually am taking a break from therapy.
Hello! Thank you for taking time to reply! I guess through my post, I hope to find healthier long term coping mechanisms, I mean I try to have proper sleep, proper meals etc but it’s been getting harder to try and cope with the intrusive thoughts and feelings.
Thank you for sharing more about what brings you comfort. I hear you when you say that having a form of certainty with the end date provides you with control and helps you make the most of the time between now and then. It’s understandable how this sense of control can offer some relief.
It’s truly inspiring that you’re focusing on making the most of the present. This perspective shows a lot of strength and hope. Finding and cherishing small, joyful moments each day can make a significant difference. Whether it’s enjoying a beautiful sunset, spending time on a favorite hobby, or connecting with a loved one, these moments of joy and connection are valuable.
I understand that you’re taking a break from therapy. Taking breaks can sometimes be necessary for self-reflection and rest. It’s great to hear that you’re seeking healthier long-term coping mechanisms. Maintaining proper sleep and meals is a fundamental step towards self-care, and it’s commendable that you’re prioritizing these despite the challenges.
You mentioned that it’s been getting harder to cope with intrusive thoughts and feelings. If you’re comfortable, could you share more about what you’ve tried so far to address these thoughts? Sometimes, exploring new strategies together can be beneficial. For instance, some people find that activities like mindfulness meditation, creative expression, or even physical exercise help manage intrusive thoughts.
Your willingness to share and seek healthier coping mechanisms is a testament to your resilience. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Your well-being is important, and finding what works best for you is a valuable part of this process.
Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings as much as you feel comfortable. We’re here to support you every step of the way.
Take care
My main coping mechanism is to distract myself, however I tend to overuse it eg. I drown myself with work or take on many commitments till I am on the verge of burning out. I think I am trying to find a balance…
Thank you for sharing! I resonate with the idea that having control, especially in the depths of pain, can feel empowering for yourself. I assume that the intrusive thoughts you mentioned make it feel difficult to have that sense of control?
Something that I’ve found helpful when thinking about intrusive thoughts, especially those that might not be saying nice things about ourselves or about our lives, is that they often want something from us (relief from pain, a sense of purpose/control). I wonder if you were to engage in some reflection, and ask those intrusive voices what they want from your life, what answer would you get?
All along, I tend to avoid the intrusive thoughts and feelings but recently I started slowly confronting them, in a way like question and talk to them and I guess in some sense the thoughts and feelings are trying to fill in some need that I am still exploring more about.
I mentioned earlier that I stopped therapy for a while and that’s due to time and financial constrains, I am hoping to restart therapy soon once my schedule and finances allows me to.
Do let us know if you have any insight into what need those thoughts and feelings are trying to get you to find out! Sometimes it’s because these needs have no other way of being heard, which is why they resort to the loudest/most attention seeking forms in our mind. Taking a step back and being generous with our attention to these parts of ourselves can actually help make the voices less intrusive, and help you achieve that elusive sense of control.
Thank you for sharing more about your coping mechanisms. It’s great that you’ve recognized the need for balance and are actively working towards finding it. Distraction can be a useful short-term strategy, but as you’ve pointed out, it can lead to burnout if overused.
From my experience and what others have shared, I’ve seen that integrating a variety of coping strategies can often provide more sustainable relief. Here are a few suggestions that might help you find that balance:
Remember, it’s about finding what works best for you and being patient with yourself as you try new strategies. It’s a journey, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time.
How do these suggestions resonate with you? If there’s anything specific you’d like to explore or if you have any questions, I’m here to support you.
Take care,
That’s really brave of you @Marshmallow.youghurt. I have intrusive thoughts all the time but I just keep them locked in a corner of my brain. I admire you and think it’s really commendable for confronting these thoughts.
On the certainty of death, I think it’s certain that we all will die at some point in time. I’d look at it as maximizing my time here on earth - do as much as I can, enjoy all the delicious food as much as I can and help as many people as I can. Probably also won’t want to end my life prematurely, think it’ll be a pity to finish my time here without enjoying it to the fullest.