I feel like I’ve went through a lot, from coming end of 2024 to now, I haven’t been okay and I’m exhausted. I really want this to stop and I think I’ve been sitting in these terrible feelings for too long now. So here’s the story to catch you up:
I can’t really recall when these negative feelings started, but I know they got worse when my girlfriend broke up with me, and the weeks leading up to it were agony.
In the back of my mind, I kinda knew we were going to break up one day because we were both girls so it “was wrong”, and besides her intentions of having a family in the future, we were heading in two separate life paths. We were only going to get more distant as soon as poly started. Even though I had that logic in my head, I refused to believe it, I wanted to believe that we could make it, and we could spend our lives together.
But then I noticed she was getting more distant; she wouldn’t look at me, she would forget to text me in the morning or say goodnight. Those nights, I would cry and prepare myself for when she finally wanted to break up with me, hoping that it would never happen.
Then it did. The day after prom. When I saw that message (“I think we should break up.”) I felt myself shatter, it didn’t feel real. I let her go, because what’s the point in forcing someone who doesn’t love you anymore to stay? It didn’t really hit until I went to bed that night, I have never cried so much in my life, sometimes I think it changed my eyeshape lol. And the months that came after were full of small highs and really deep lows.
I had to deal with this alone, I obviously couldn’t tell my homophobic parents about my relationship, and by the time I got out that relationship, my other friends had drifted away. It was “normal”, for a while. I did notice my ex-girlfriend would lightly insult me whenever I texted in the groupchat. I know she was probably just joking, but I took it too seriously.
Then I broke. I lashed out at her (in text, and in the groupchat) and said something really hurtful to her. I can’t remember what I said exactly, but I regret it to this day because that moment fractured any chance of us being on good terms ever again. I said I was sorry but those messages really pissed her off. I felt terrible, like I was the villain now. I felt at that moment, she turned her back on me and left together with my friends.
“I had really done it now, I lost all my friends. It was all my fault.” This narrative played and looped in my head constantly until poly started (from Dec 2024 to April 2025). Then I made new friends and enjoyed what my course offered. As much as I want to live in the present, I worry the past will catch up with me. In fact it haunts me now..
..because my ex goes to the same poly as me. You might think “oh but poly very big what” but the fact that I can count the amount of times I’ve seen her on my hand is not great, because I’d rather not see her at all. I would have these scenarios play out in my head where my friend would “introduce” me to her, and I would have to make the awkward choice of explaining that we’ve met before. Or maybe there would be a weird joint-school project where I’m forced to be grouped with her? I don’t think too much about it now, but the chances of it happening are not zero. But the times I see her, my heart rumbles (?). Like the first time I saw her I felt my soul go out of my body for a bit, it’s like I saw a ghost. But with more sightings, it’s like seeing a spider in the bathroom- you wanna track its movements and make sure that it doesn’t get close to you or leaves. Weirdly, one time I was sitting at this big table with my friends in the school’s hangout space, and she walked in and placed her bag across from where I sat, went to the bathroom then returned to wait for someone I think. We were about to leave anyway (not sure if she knew that), but out of all the seats in that place.. did she purposely choose to sit across me? In other encounters, like on social media she removed me from her followers list and made her account private, and even kicked me out of some old groupchats I was in with her. So you can tell I’m micro-analysing and spiraling over everything she’s doing.
In my friendly relationships, I fear that I may act like her, or even worse I might fall in love with my friends again, and fracture the friend group again because of some mean words I said on impulse. So lately I’ve been more careful with what I say. I’ve told my friends about my troubles with dwelling on her, but I stop myself before I talk too much about it because I don’t want my friends to be annoyed with me, because I don’t think that they can carry that weight and depth I have, because they might leave because I was too much, which is the reason I suspect my ex broke up with me.
This belief, that I’m “too much to bear”, was further reinforced today. I went back to my secondary school for teachers’ day and saw some old friends who were outside of my friend group at the time. I had a good time catching up with my teachers and those friends, but then I met one of my friends from that friend group. We used to be close, but when I approached her she seemed so stoned.. it took me several attempts to snap her out of her weird trance, and when she did turn to face me.. she looked annoyed. I asked her hesitantly, “do you hate me?” and she said “idk” and walked away. That hurt.. so badly for some reason, I was anxious and angry for the remainder of the day.. those spiralling feelings of not being wanted and being alone played over and over again. I even hit myself out of frustration several times when I got home.. It was just so frustrating that they couldn’t show up for me, I know that they’re not obligated to do that, but it’s just disappointing to me.
And finally, I’ve decided to write this post you are seeing now. I’ve experienced this spiral way too many times already, I fear it’s because I don’t listen or I’m afraid of the truth? or what if I’m the problem and it’s just in my head and I need to just snap out of it (But that’s what my parents tell me) WHATEVER it is, I NEED it to stop.
I really hope I’m concise and not missing the point of this long ramble, I just want to be understood really.. And I hope this is under the right category.. it feels like a rant and a cry for help.
Please help me, I can’t do this anymore.
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