I don’t really know how to start this. I might just list the most obvious and fastest things that pop up on my mind. This might not be pretty, I’m sorry. I’m fourteen and going to choose my subjects for IGCSE. I’ve been a little stressed on that for a while but ultimately chose the ones that I’m passionate about. I’ve been mourning a person recently. I know that I’m pretty young, but it’s romantic. Most people call it puppy-love, or whatever, and maybe it is. It’s just that it’s been two years and I still haven’t really gotten over him. That’s an understatement, actually. I know that grief isn’t a Calander, and that I should give myself time, and I’ve tried to be gentle with myself, but it’s like clockwork, every single day and night my mind just spirals backs to him and it’s getting in my way. We didn’t really have any closure, and that sucked a little, because I’m a very closure-dependent person. And then, with that bothering me, there’s also the protest. So, I lived in a country where everything but politics was abundant. So, a protest struck when I was at a very young-age, and I would later on learn that this had been pent-up anger for years. My family moved, and, I didn’t really think much of it. Though lately, I’ve been noticing that my behaviors have been far too tightly linked to the stuff that I would adopt form the protest. I’ would be outspoken, and then I would completely retract. I would be obsessive about searching up the forbidden stuff in my ccity and feel a sense of pride when I do. I would doubt people, even when their intentions are good. It’s been disrupting my friendships a bit, or I’m just being paranoid and this is just how I naturally am. Naturally, as I reach the stage of choosing my subjects, my grades come into the topic. I’ve been getting side-tracked by the recently-surfaced thoughts of my ex ( the reason will be listed below later on, ) and I just can’t seem to get the grades that I want. It’s been prickling at me a little bit, especially since I have to learn the dialogue and style of the language that my hometown uses, but it’s not quite similar. And now I’m stuck between the web of a gibberish of my old hometown’s language and its new dialect. This has been pretty impactful for me, and I don’t know how to cope with it. Everything has been exhausting me a bit lately ( save for my interests, well, some of them, ) and I feel a little hopeless at times. I know that suicide is bad, and I don’t plan on doing it for now, but I just get thoughts of escaping somewhere at times. I have problems that I don’t even know how to deal with or what I need. My ex followed me four days ago and I accepted it impulsively, whilst also sending him a follow request. Now we’re both following each other and no one is addressing it. And now I’m just getting irrational thoughts and predicting the worst about nearly everything. It’s been causing me to question my own morals and it’s-- it’s driving me a little insane. I can’t juggle, I’ve never been a multi-tasker. I’m stuck, and to add religious problems about loving my God but finding peace in queer ships and friendship problems just isn’t really tracking my “healing” process" faster. I don’t know what i need, or what I want. I’d claim that I’m quite self-aware of the situation that I’m in right now. I don’t want to ask for a therapist in person because, that, quite, frankly scares me, and I don’t think I’m willing to dive into the magnitude of my problems just yet. I’ve been feeling very easily irritated and violent bursts of sadness and guilt. I don’t know how long I could bury this down, because it just cuts deeper every single day. I’ve been coping with SuperBat fanfiction and listening to “First Love/ Last Spring” with “A Pearl,” Both by Mitski to sort of-- cope. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, to help me get along with this rot of his memories coating my mouth. Anything. Thank you.
Hey @secureladybug6987,
There seems to be a lot happening in your life at the same time right now. The grief about your ex, moving countries, language differences, school decisions, religion, friendships, and trying to understand yourself emotionally. It does not sound like one isolated issue. It sounds more like several unresolved things building up together over time.
I also noticed you are currently choosing your IGCSE subjects. Even though some people may see it as “just subjects,” for many people your age it can feel very important because it becomes tied to fears about the future, expectations, and whether you are making the “right” decisions. Without enough emotional support or guidance, that can feel overwhelming.
The part about your ex stood out too. Two years is a long time to carry unresolved feelings, especially without proper closure. Sometimes when relationships end without clarity, the mind keeps revisiting the person and the memories because it is still trying to process what happened. Then when contact happens again, even something small like following each other online can bring back old thoughts and emotions very quickly.
You also mentioned becoming outspoken at times and then pulling back afterwards. That can happen when someone is trying to develop their own identity and opinions while also worrying about safety, rejection, or belonging. The interest in political topics and forbidden information may partly be connected to trying to understand yourself, your background, and where you stand in relation to the world around you.
What you wrote about language, hometown, dialect, religion, interests, and friendships also sounded important. At your age, feeling like you belong somewhere matters a lot emotionally. When someone feels caught between different cultures, identities, expectations, or communities, it can create uncertainty about where they fit in or whether they are fully understood by others.
I also noticed how often you describe yourself overthinking situations as they unfold. Usually when someone does not feel emotionally settled or safe internally, the mind starts analysing things repeatedly, predicting outcomes, and preparing for possible disappointment or rejection. Over time, that becomes mentally exhausting.
And honestly, it makes sense that concentrating on school becomes harder when there is already so much emotional weight sitting in the background. It does not sound like you are “not trying.” It sounds more like your mind is already occupied by unresolved stress and emotions.
I also do not think it would help right now to go too deeply into analysing every reason why things became this way. Sometimes when someone is already emotionally overloaded, trying to fully unpack every layer too quickly can increase rumination and make them feel even more stuck. Right now, stabilising emotionally and feeling safer internally is probably more important than finding perfect explanations for everything immediately.
The fear around therapy also makes sense. A lot of people imagine counselling as being forced to explain everything immediately or having to solve all their problems at once. But counselling is usually more gradual than that. Often the first step is simply having a safe place to talk, organise thoughts, and learn how emotions, stress, and overthinking affect each other.
Right now, it may help more to focus on feeling emotionally supported rather than trying to solve every issue immediately. Having someone you trust and can speak openly with, without feeling judged, can make a big difference when thoughts start building up internally.
And even though music and fanfiction may seem small, they also show that you are still trying to comfort yourself and manage your emotions in ways that feel safe to you right now.
If you are in Singapore, you can also call National Mindline at 1771 to speak with a counsellor on the support line. It does not mean you are committing to therapy long-term. If you are not in singapore, try searching online that can support you or perhaps your school counsellor would be a good place to start? Sometimes it is simply a place to talk when things feel too heavy to hold alone.
You sound emotionally overwhelmed and tired, not “broken.”
There are a lot of changes, losses, and identity questions happening at the same time, and it makes sense that it feels difficult to manage everything alone right now. When you are ready, happy to hear from you again. 