NSF here, just enlisted recently. Prior to this i survived a harsh 2 years of emotional warfare. Lost a younger sibling, had to end a toxic 2 year relationship in the span of 6 months, not to mention struggling with A levels. I’ve spent my 2 years building up walls to protect myself, suppressing my emotions in front of friends and family to not appear weak. Im currently battling with the harsh training life in NS, the grief of the loss of my sibling as well as the loss of my relationship. Although she did not treat me the best, especially after my sibling died, she was still the closest person to me and we did share many beautiful moments during the earlier stages of our relationship. My heart burns everyday when i think about her and when i think about my sibling. She is doing well, has a scholarship and many people are proud of her. While I want to say that i wish her all the best and that im happy that she’s doing well, i cant help but feel this crushing sense of defeat. Why is it that I have to suffer so much, and have nothing to show for it, while the person who hurt me gets to enjoy life? Im fighting on so many fronts right now and i feel like its slowly crushing me. I have not cried in years, im too afraid of being judged by the people around me and have my feelings used against me, yet i feel like i want to cry out for help. The only sources of comfort i have are my friends, but none of which understand the full extent of the pain im going through as they have all happy lives. I also dont wish to burden them further. What do i do? I feel so trapped especially in NS where regimentation exists and life moves on in a strict routine. The harsh training often forces my mind to go in circles and cling onto old nostalgic moments, looking for comfort. But this always ends up in me thinking about my happier past and my mood is ruined for the day. Counselling in NS doesnt exactly work, seeing the counsellors often ends in me putting on a smile and not releasing my emotions, i talk about my feelings but i cant exactly express them. Man, im not suicidal or anything but i wish i could just not feel these things any more. I dont want to miss my sibling i dont want to miss and compare myself to my ex. really feels like im at a dead end here 
Dear @s0raa
Thank you for reaching out for support while figuring out how to move forward carrying multiple heavy challenges.
Losing a sibling, ending a painful relationship, surviving A-levels, and then being thrown straight into NS is a huge amount of loss and pressure for any one person to endure. It is fully understandable that it feels crushing. Please know that your reaction indicates you have been surviving by holding everything in.
I also think the anger and unfairness you are feeling about your ex doing well while you’re struggling is a very human grief response. It suggests you were hurt at your most vulnerable and never got the opportunity or time to fully process the hurt and grief. Memories surfacing during training tell me you seek solace and relief while in a challenging environment.
I also think you have learnt that being vulnerable is not safe, so better not to cry or open up about what you are going through.
To your credit, you have already taken proactive steps to speak to counsellors in camp which shows your determination to improve your wellbeing. You shared that thus far, you have been able to talk about your feelings to them. However, you aim to feel safe enough to be able to express emotions, but have not been able to yet.
Please do not be discouraged. Warming up, building rapport and feeling safe enough to be vulnerable will take time and consistency.
Meanwhile, may I suggest that you could also seek additional support from mindline counsellors reachable at 1771. The hotline operates 24/7 in case you need immediate support.
I can see that you have been through a lot in the last few years and that has been deeply draining. Anyone in your shoes would also feel the same.
Please do not face this alone anymore. Keep reaching out for support in processing what has happened even if it feels uncomfortable to do so. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the space to grieve, rebuild and recover at your own pace.
Hey @s0raa,
It sounds like you’re going through a difficult time, and I appreciate you reaching out for support. Feeling overwhelmed or uncertain about where to turn can be incredibly challenging, and it’s completely understandable to seek guidance and reassurance in moments like these.
In addition to the National Mindline (1771) that @CaringBee had mentioned, you may also find it helpful to connect with your local Community Mental Health Teams. These teams provide a range of services, including assessment, treatment, and ongoing support for individuals experiencing mental health difficulties. These resources are free-of-charge, and are there to help you navigate your feelings and get the support you deserve.
For more information on these resources, you may visit mindline.sg | Free Mental Health Resources & Mindfulness Tools in Singapore