When I describe the lovely things my partner does for me in our relationship, I am often hit with the “but that’s bare minimum”. What more should I be asking for? A million dollars? I mean he has done things that aren’t, like secretly ordering delivery of my favourite ramen to my house the day i was hungry and burnt my hand on the way home because he couldn’t be there (he was overseas).
Same goes for me, when I try to justify the good things I do for the relationship, it’s mostly bare minimum. I want to do more but the more I can think of is usually defined as bare minimum things. Cooking/baking for them, always making time for them, gifts whenever I think of them. Maybe my perception of the effort that should be put into a relationship is so skewed. I know it should always be 100%, but what if my definition of 100% is actually only 50%?
Dear @kisushi
Thank you for writing in to us. Reading your post, May I gently share that I do not think your understanding of love or effort is “wrong.” In fact, you sound like someone who genuinely values care, consistency, and thoughtfulness in a relationship.
I have commonly seen people throw around the term “bare minimum” so much that it makes normal acts of love feel meaningless. But things like making time for each other, cooking, thoughtful gifts, or your partner remembering your favourite ramen and arranging delivery when you were hurt are all meaningful acts of care. Relationships are usually built from many small, consistent gestures, not constant grand gestures.
The fact that you are worried about whether you are doing enough tells me that you care deeply about your relationship and not taking it for granted. If these thoughts are affecting your self-worth or causing anxiety, it could also help to speak to a trusted person or use support and wayfinding services available at mindline website which can help connect you to suitable community resources and follow up support.
Do be gentle and less harsh/judgmental of yourself. Reach out for deserving help soon.