I’ve been looking for answers about how my brain works and I just want someone to help me understand what these things.
That kind of thinking usually doesn’t appear out of nowhere, it often grows in people who’ve had to look after others, or adjust themselves constantly, until their own needs feel like an afterthought.
People who grow up in that kind of servitude often learn to measure their worth by how perfectly they show up for others… and the moment something goes wrong, the blame goes straight inward.
What is a definition of helping to much. I always think I’m not doing nearly enough or anything at all for that matter but I don’t know if that’s just the critique or real life
Apologies for the time I have taken and thank you for any answers
Hey @user2196. Thank you for putting this into words courageously. First of all, you don’t have to apologize because you didn’t do anything wrong in speaking up here. Reaching out to understand yourself better is actually a way of honouring your needs, and that matters. What stands out is how much care you have, both in wanting to understand how your mind works and in wanting to show up well for others. That level of reflection says a lot about who you are.
Secondly, helping “too much” isn’t always about the amount. It’s often about feeling like stopping isn’t allowed, or that your worth depends on staying useful. Over time, that can turn into an internalized belief that if something goes wrong, it must mean you failed or didn’t do enough. That’s such a heavy and exhausting thing to carry, especially if you’ve spent a long time adjusting yourself to meet other people’s needs. Learning to measure your worth by how well you care for others often starts as a survival skill.
Sometimes our minds keep using old strategies even when we’re no longer in the same situations. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, it means those strategies once helped you cope or stay safe, and they may not be serving you in the same way anymore now.
It may help to gently exploring ways you can honour your own needs while also being mindful of not overextending yourself to the point where it hurts you. I share this because it’s something I’m still learning and unlearning too. There are a few gentle reminders or affirmations that have helped me pause and soften the pressure when it shows up (it’s literally what I say to myself every time that my brain starts telling me I’m not enough or I feel the pressure to do a lot or be perfect), and it may be helpful for you too:
- My worth is not measured by how much I do for others.
- I can help without overextending or exhausting myself.
- I want my help to come from choice, not fear.
You’re not alone in this, and there’s no rush to figure this out all at once, okie? It’s already so meaningful that you chose to reach out here. Unlearning them takes time, and it’s okay to move gently with yourself as you do.
I hope you can give yourself some of the same understanding and patience that you so naturally offer others. You deserve care too, just as you are 
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Dear @user2196
It sounds like you’re not just trying to be kinder to yourself, but trying to understand what’s actually happening inside, so you can tell what’s real and what might be self-critique.
One thing I’m wondering, as I read your reflection on servitude and helping, is whether what you’re describing might be less about doing too much for others, and more about a placating way of coping, i.e. putting others ahead of yourself because it once felt safer than risking disapproval or conflict.
When that happens, helping can slowly stop being a choice and start feeling like a requirement, and self-worth gets measured by how useful you stay.
That can make things especially confusing, because even when you are showing up or trying, the inner voice still says it’s not enough. Not necessarily because it’s true, but because that voice learned to scan for failure long before it learned how to trust your own limits or intentions.
I’m curious, when you notice yourself thinking “I’m not doing nearly enough,” what are you usually measuring against? Is it an actual situation or request in front of you, or more a familiar internal standard that never quite feels reachable?
Hey @user2196, thank you for reaching out! You are right, certain patterns of thinking don’t just “appear out of nowhere” and often have an underlying meaning behind them. I would love to know more, were you tasked to take on adult responsibilities or ‘parentified’ as a young child? Did you have to silently hold on to the burdens of others and keep going, putting your needs on the back burner while tending to others? Perhaps you had to neglect your own needs and emotions to prioritise others in order to maintain a sense of stability or routine in your life. These are some things worth looking into, let me know your thoughts!