Why am I like this

[Dari]

[TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF SUICIDE]

I came back from deferment and started my first day back in poly, tp, on Monday 19/10/24.
Yet everything has went terribly wrong in my eyes, I won’t get too detailed with this but basically a lot of stuff weren’t ready for me and I was in a panic.

Tonight I rambled to my friend how I wanted to die again for the 10+ time this week. And she was indifferent about my ramble now, telling me how she has given her advice and it’s up to me to take it or at least do something with myself.

It made me think, why am I like this for? I’ve been pessimistic and kept idolizing suicide since I was in like kindergarten, only really getting worse while I grow older.
Now I’m just sitting in my room, my friend’s words circling in my mind as I actively watch myself push whatever people were close to me with my passive suicide ramblings, as if I’ve weaponized my depression to use against my friends so they’d leave me and I’ll finally not have a reason to keep going.
But thinking about it now, there’s no real point of me doing that. I still love my friends dearly to the point if my favourite person told me to kill myself I’d do it in a heartbeat. So I don’t know why I’m being so self destructive.

I don’t have any drive to live, and ironically enough to actively start killing myself too. It’s like I don’t have the energy to do anything at all. I just want to disappear somehow, like logging off from a game.

I don’t even know if I even want to improve myself because despite going to therapy while continuing my counselling at school, it just feels like I’m doing it for the sake of doing it. Something like it’s a main quest that I just have to get it over and done with, despite therapy actually helping me identify some stuff like coping mechanisms and etc.

I want someone to talk to me about this, whether in person or in text (preferably in text cause I can gather my thoughts and respond better) because nothing makes sense. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve. I want to plan to overdose on my antidepressants simply because I feel like it, literally no real desire to die right now just for ‘the sake of doing it’.

This feeling is also why I keep downplaying the seriousness of my issue of how contradictory it all sounds. Feels like I’m mocking mental health itself sometimes now I’m thinking about it.

I hope someone responds to this by tomorrow afternoon cause man, I just don’t know what to do with myself.

[user1138]

rambling 10+ times per week is too much and it will create a boy cried wolf effect. Your fren also doesn’t need to tolerate all of it. Rant to your therapist and counsellor but their job is to have a goal to work with you towards to, seems like u dont really want to get better so there isnt a clear goal for them to work towards to either.

why kindergarten? that’s too early unless something happened. what are the roots for ur suicidal thoughts? have you traced them?

i unds why u wanna make ppl leave u so that no one is hurt when you leave but you mentioned that your friends do matter to you. what else matters to you?

No drive to live but do you have anything u will regret if ur attempt do become successful? if not, can you start finding one? I tried out a few things b4 i have some things to live for but that will take time

my therapy sessions were out of my own money so i kinda have to make sure that it is useful. Another reason i recovered from depression was cuz i didnt know that what i felt was depression and the internet convinced me that it was just my whiny personality, so being diagnosed was a relief and tried my best to recover

like what is your goals for posting this? is it because that u r just very lost n hoping for a direction? its understandable to be very lost about your life, I’m lost some times too. From this post, it kinda feels like u wanna get better and not wanna get better. We need to structure out your thoughts that are currently all over the place like tidying up your reasons for ur suicidal thoughts, trace to the roots, break them down into smaller parts, work on them one by one from there. You have to want to help yourself but its okay if u r not there yet, as long as u want to slowly get out of there. Im also not sure if u r weaponising that you r telling us that u wanna off yourself or its a cry for help

ive attempted via od before and wont do it again cuz it was extremely physically painful, psych ward stay was horrible and i became dumb for 1 year. I won’t attempt again. I’ve recovered from depression. It will relaspe from time to time but its fine

I’m open to chat if u wanna become better

[CaringBee]

Hi Dari

Thank you for reaching out. It takes loads of courage to share what you are experiencing and your feelings are fully understandable. Please do not feel alone.

I note that you are going through a transition phase of returning back to school from NS. That adjustment will take time and it is very common and understandable to feel overwhelmed and lost in this situation. Please take it slow and stay consistent and committed to chip away and I am confident you will see results. No need to rush; Ask for help from lecturers and friends. Be kind to yourself. I believe that many people are willing to help if you ask.

I also believe your strengths are that you are honest, reflective and evaluative. For example you acknowledge that the therapy session and time with the school counsellor has yielded some positive results. This reflection suggests that you are able to exercise flexible and clear thinking.

I suggest that continuing your counselling sessions may build self awareness. Set clear goals and weekly action plans. Discuss, learn and commit to self care strategies such as mindfulness to manage unnecessary thoughts.

Don’t rush through, take it slow to fully internalise new processes, approaches and habits.

A safety plan when you get triggered is something you can also discuss with your counsellor, if not already established.

I gather you have a good group of friends who you care for. I sense your thoughtfulness and gratitude for them. You may want to consider spending time with them to build happy memories and rediscover the joys of life and healthy friendships.

Since you mentioned you prefer chat support, there is a SOS chatline available on WhatsApp you may consider to use. The number is 6591511767.

Please know that you are not alone and with daily actions and commitment you can manage, recover and thrive. You are deeply precious and unique and have a lot to offer to the world!