[TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF SUICIDE]
I came back from deferment and started my first day back in poly, tp, on Monday 19/10/24.
Yet everything has went terribly wrong in my eyes, I won’t get too detailed with this but basically a lot of stuff weren’t ready for me and I was in a panic.
Tonight I rambled to my friend how I wanted to die again for the 10+ time this week. And she was indifferent about my ramble now, telling me how she has given her advice and it’s up to me to take it or at least do something with myself.
It made me think, why am I like this for? I’ve been pessimistic and kept idolizing suicide since I was in like kindergarten, only really getting worse while I grow older.
Now I’m just sitting in my room, my friend’s words circling in my mind as I actively watch myself push whatever people were close to me with my passive suicide ramblings, as if I’ve weaponized my depression to use against my friends so they’d leave me and I’ll finally not have a reason to keep going.
But thinking about it now, there’s no real point of me doing that. I still love my friends dearly to the point if my favourite person told me to kill myself I’d do it in a heartbeat. So I don’t know why I’m being so self destructive.
I don’t have any drive to live, and ironically enough to actively start killing myself too. It’s like I don’t have the energy to do anything at all. I just want to disappear somehow, like logging off from a game.
I don’t even know if I even want to improve myself because despite going to therapy while continuing my counselling at school, it just feels like I’m doing it for the sake of doing it. Something like it’s a main quest that I just have to get it over and done with, despite therapy actually helping me identify some stuff like coping mechanisms and etc.
I want someone to talk to me about this, whether in person or in text (preferably in text cause I can gather my thoughts and respond better) because nothing makes sense. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve. I want to plan to overdose on my antidepressants simply because I feel like it, literally no real desire to die right now just for ‘the sake of doing it’.
This feeling is also why I keep downplaying the seriousness of my issue of how contradictory it all sounds. Feels like I’m mocking mental health itself sometimes now I’m thinking about it.
I hope someone responds to this by tomorrow afternoon cause man, I just don’t know what to do with myself.