A Rant but I Go Overboard ^^

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I just wanted to get some things off my chest ^

TW/CW: brief mention of suicidal thoughts

I feel super… empty? It’s been a prevailing problem for at least 4-ish years now, but I noticed it’s been getting worse lately. It’s like a seed that was planted and now won’t stop growing no matter how much I want it to wither and die. Aside from the one webnovel that has literally been my lifeline for as long as I remember, I don’t feel as passionate or into any of the other things I (used to?) love doing so much. Sometimes I even wonder if my hyperfixation on the webnovel is just me desperately clinging to the one constant that made me happy… Even the hobbies I picked up more recently… I can’t find myself doing it anymore. Even if I wanted to, I just… couldn’t. In fact, I can’t bring myself to do anything anymore. I do my homework after school, but that’s it - I go straight to bedrotting immediately after, and then I feel awful for wasting my life away like that.

I love my family, but I feel like there’s a wall between me and them that only I’m aware of. I mean, yeah they care for me, but I feel like they only barely know my interests at a surface level, and if you asked them about my personality they’d get it way off. But I don’t know about my own personality anymore, either. I feel like I change myself when I’m around different groups of people to fit in and have them like me more. Even then, I feel like my family look down on my interests. My brother’s very, very direct about it. Apparently the fanbases for every single game I’ve ever so much as touched are ‘Fat discord mods who live in their mom’s basement’? I guess that includes me, haha…? My hobby of cosplaying, (when I still had the energy and passion) is something my brother also shames (“All cosplayers are ugly and fat” “You look weird” idk.) , and my family don’t really approve of it (“When are you going to quit?”). It really sucks because my interests are what made me the few friends I have (or had, I feel my friendships all drifting rapidly). I remember once I finally opened up to them about something that happened i think 5 years ago: I was desperate for friends, so I let my ‘friends’ do whatever they wanted in hopes they’d still be friends with me. So they strangled me every single morning that year, not hard enough that there were serious repurcussions but it was kinda messed up. They ended up replacing me with someone more outgoing, kind and pretty than I am. When I opened up about it they didn’t empathize, just said I was stupid back then for letting it happen. I was a desperate P5. That really hurt, it felt like they didn’t care that much about how messed up the whole situation was that I had let myself get stuck in. It makes me feel so insecure about everything. My looks, the stuff I liked, etc.

I know it’s a major exam period for my brother, but that doesn’t mean he’s just automatically void of all responsibilities, right…? I have my WAs too, and sure it’s not the same caliber but! I’m put to a much higher standard. He’s great if he passes, but god forbid I get less then an A… and I’m still a human being. I get stressed and tired easily. It doesn’t help that my physical state is so awful I can barely walk across the house without feeling super tired, or blacking out as soon as I stand up. Yet why do I have to shoulder all responsibilities that he doesn’t? Washing dishes, feeding the dog, helping go all the way out of the house to pass them things they forgot, acting as a therapist of sorts… I have my own work to do too, and I still desperately need to get out of this awful mental and physical state I fell into. Yet my brother, with working two hands!! can just get away with doing nothing! and they don’t scold him when he swears daily, but I let a word slip and I get reprimanded…? I wish they would pay a little more attention to me too. Or at least don’t interrupt me halfway when I’m speaking or shushing me because my brother wants to say something. I don’t know, I just feel like they should ask him to do things once in a while too. Or treat us a bit more fairly. I know they’re stressed and worried for him, and it may be super selfish of me but just once. I want someone, anyone to tell me they love me and are proud of me.

I’m stressed, tired, and there’s so many more days where I wish I didn’t wake up, or wonder if everything would be better if I just killed myself already. But ironically I’m too scared to die. I know there’s things wrong with me, I just don’t know what

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Hi lcvedokja,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. It’s clear that you’ve been carrying a heavy emotional burden, and I want to acknowledge how strong you are for reaching out and expressing what you’re going through.

The feelings of emptiness and isolation you’ve described must be incredibly tough to handle, especially when it feels like your interests and hobbies no longer bring you the same joy. It’s clear that the webnovel you mentioned is a significant source of comfort for you, which is important.

Your connection to this webnovel shows that you have a way to find solace and joy, even in difficult times. It’s a testament to your resilience and your ability to seek out what makes you feel better. Holding onto this source of comfort is a strength, and it’s crucial to recognize the positive impact it has on you. Do you mind sharing more about the webnovel? It’s a testament to your resilience and your ability to seek out what makes you feel better. Holding onto this source of comfort is a strength, and it’s crucial to recognize the positive impact it has on you.

It’s also understandable to feel frustrated and isolated when your family doesn’t seem to understand or support your interests. The negative comments from your brother and the lack of understanding from your family can add to your feelings of being misunderstood. This can be incredibly isolating, but please know that your interests are valid and valuable. Balancing the responsibilities at home while feeling physically and emotionally exhausted is a lot to manage. Your feelings of unfair treatment and the pressure to perform at a high standard are valid. It’s important to take care of yourself and recognize that you’re doing your best under challenging circumstances.

I want to tell you something important: There are many things wrong in your situation, but none of them are with you. You are bearing the brunt of bullying, not getting noticed, and being misunderstood despite all the good things you have done. These issues are not a reflection of your worth or your efforts. You are a resilient and strong individual, and your ability to keep going despite these challenges is remarkable.

I also want to highlight something you might not have realized. You’ve picked up a skill that not many people have — recognizing the emptiness. This ability to understand and identify your feelings is incredibly valuable. It’s often this very emptiness that leads people to feel sad, angry, and scared simultaneously. This awareness can help you understand why you might ruminate and why thoughts of suicide can seem like a way to end these conflicting emotions.

By recognizing this emptiness, you’ve gained an additional set of skills that you can use to validate yourself. This self-awareness is a powerful tool that can help you navigate your emotions and find ways to manage them. As a professional, I would like to assure you that this insight is incredibly valuable and can make a significant difference in your journey toward well-being.

You mentioned having thoughts of not wanting to wake up and wondering if things would be better if you weren’t alive. These thoughts are serious, and I want to make sure you have the support you need. If these feelings become overwhelming, please talk to someone immediately. You can call the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1800-221-4444. They can provide the help and support you need 24 hours a day.

Your connection to the webnovel and your ability to find comfort in it shows your resilience and strength. Sometimes, just holding onto the things that bring us joy can make a big difference.

Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings whenever you feel ready. We’re here to listen and support you through this journey.

Take care, and know that you’re not alone. You’ve shown incredible strength, and we’re here for you.

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Don’t focus on the past or on other people, by comparing yourself to what was or what could have been, you are taking away the joy from the moment, which may be why you are feeling quite sad. By comparing yourself to your expectations or your brother, you are choosing not to see the good within yourself.