so like at the start of the year i was getting along well with this group of people in my new class and the. the big group split. and essentially me and this person (lets call her rachel) were really close and we thought we would be in the big group tgt right. but then it split up and we were asked to pick which group to go with cuz it was apparently too big, and then we both knew which group we liked better. but then that group said they didn’t want us or something, then we thought we had no friend group, then the friend group was back together?? very confusing yeah. and literally when i thought it was okay i freaking found out they were all ■■■■ talking me and i was the reason why the friend group didn’t want us. I didn’t even get no explanation about the ■■■■ talking part, but i told my friend she can just be with that group, don’t mind me bc i don’t want to be the reason why she got not friend group. then the next day i sat with this girl who i THOUGHT was part of the other second half of the friend group, but apparently everyone hated her and i didn’t even know that. they started shunning me but i quickly avoided her because she said some stuff which i thought was really weird, but i don’t know what’s going on now because it seems like everyone in the big friend group is so close with one another and i’m just there. and there’s this girl i’m gonna name drop called renee who ■■■■■■■ hates me. she tries to exclude me from everything, talks to everyone but me, all that ■■■■. i don’t know what she wants. i’m so tired of it all. she literally says stuff like ‘oh no’ when i show up, or stuff like ‘good job’ when i’m not in the same group as them for group work. am i getting bullied? i really just want to sleep for a long time and disappear.
Hey @user767643
It sounds like when things started to feel unstable for your friend, you made a choice that came from care, not weakness. You stepped back. You told your friend to stay with the group so she wouldn’t lose her place. That’s a kind of self-sacrifice, and it often shows up when you already carry low self-esteem not because you don’t matter, but because you’ve learnt to protect relationships by shrinking yourself.
You were already feeling lonely underneath all this. So when you realised people disliked another classmate, avoiding her was about survival. A way to not be pushed completely to the outside, even if it isn’t a healthy or fair situation to be in, your system was trying to keep you safe.
What seems to be hurting the most now is the chaos of mixed signals. One moment you’re tolerated, the next you’re excluded. Renee’s reactions, the comments, the looks, the relief when you’re not there, those aren’t neutral. Anyone in your position would start questioning themselves. “Am I wanted? Am I the problem? Do I disappear or stay?”
School friendships matter more than adults sometimes realise. At this stage, having people to sit with, laugh with, hang out with, it can feel like everything. So no, it’s not “small” to feel this way. It’s really hard to be alone.
At the same time, I notice something important about you. You come across as someone who:
- protects their friends
- puts loyalty first
- tries not to block other people’s happiness
- is willing to step aside so others can belong
Those are real qualities. But right now, they’re being used “against you”, because none of this is leaving space for you.
So maybe the gentlest questions to sit with are these:
- Where do you exist in these friendships?
- What do you actually want, not just what keeps others comfortable?
- What does an authentic friend look like to you and do they need someone to disappear for them?
- When you feel this fear, is it more about being alone… being rejected… or being shamed?
You don’t need to decide anything tonight, it’s because you’re exhausted from trying to earn safety. Let’s slow this down a little. You don’t have to erase yourself to deserve connection. And you don’t have to figure everything out yet. Let us know what you think and feel when you are comfortable?