I no longer understand any of it. None of it makes sense to me anymore.
At the dawn of this academic year (year 1), I was the spark that ignited a friendship in our class. It began during orientation where I made jokes and started to hit it off with my classmates. The first was A, then came B, and through us, C. We weren’t just classmates — we were a group. At the center of it was me. My presence echoed loud enough in class that I was nominated —by a landslide — to be the vice class leader (I assumed both the vice and main class leader roles had the same amount of leadership points, so I applied for the vice class leader role as I had external commitments). However, that was when everything began to fall apart.
With the weight of leadership and external commitments, I found myself slipping. I could keep up with work deadlines, sure — but I couldn’t find time to study. Slowly, almost cruelly, I slid down into the ranks of the worst performers in my core modules — FOP, FED and FOC. I watched, helplessly, as my confidence fractured. Only Math, CDA, AII, and TCU gave me solace — they spoke a language I still understood. Numbers. Public speaking. Leadership.
And then … the group I had created — the very friends I pulled together — began to drift. Without warning. Without reason. Suddenly, I was the outsider of a circle I forged with my own hands. Imagine this: I sit with them, eat with them, but I say nothing. Not because I’m quiet — I would say I am more on the extroverted side —but because I no longer belong. They talk, they laugh, they make plans right in front of me and leave without a word, as if I were invisible. As if I never existed.
A, who once felt like a companion, now feels like a stranger. We were paired for group works, but his every word was a challenge to mine. I tried to be kind, to find common ground, to say things like “I see your point…”, but I feel like he only saw an opponent. During our final AI presentation, he spat the words “you almost killed the presentation” at me, just because I offered an answer to a difficult question. One that the teacher initially misunderstood, but later agreed with. I carried that presentation and it’s Q&A with another classmate. And yet, I almost killed it? I literally single-handedly made the script everyone used for that presentation, and I almost killed it (I did the same thing for CDA too, not like anyone cared though)? That moment broke something between us for me. At least I got a high SPA rating (which isn’t graded but at least it shows my teammates can see my effort), but I came out of it with a worse mental state. Now, whenever he speaks to me, it’s laced with passive-aggressive contempt. He literally could be laughing out loud, but it all vanishes the moment I approach him.
B is the only thread left connecting me to that friend group. I’ve confided in him. He says he understands. However, I know — deep down — nothing is going to change.
C, the introverted one I once pulled into the light, now leaves me to rot in the shadows. He once thanked me for including him. Now? It’s as if I never mattered to him at all. Maybe he just doesn’t know what to do about it, but it hurts. A lot.
And then there’s D. He wasn’t part of our group. Most of my friends complained that he was lazy and that he always tried to act nonchalant when honestly he was just a little introverted. Yet somehow, he’s now taken the seat I once held. He replaced me in a way.
Now, I’m just there. I sit in class, silent, suffering. I hate being that quiet; it’s not who I am. When I do try to speak to them, I’m met with, “why do you always join out of context?” . They laugh at my mistakes during lessons, jokingly, they claim — but the sting is real. I feel hollow. It doesn’t help that every single day my girlfriend tells me about her wonderful experiences with her friends. I smile, because I don’t want to burden her with my darkness, though I know I can confide in her.
I feel like I’m drowning. I have things and people to live for, but sometimes I’m just too tired to even care. I have a lot of friends outside my class in SP, and more outside SP. However, the sting of not having my classmates take me as a priority makes me feel like banging my head against the wall. I’m not even seeking their approval, I just don’t want to be excluded this bad. I want to cry sometimes, but my tears are numb. They are cold. It won’t be long before I become empty on the inside. I just hope future me remembers that current me doesn’t want him to do anything stupid to himself. To whomever is reading this, am I so bad? Why did this happen to me?
P.S I’m procrastinating studying for FOP tomorrow because honestly, I’m so done
