27, surviving of freelancing and living with parent. i used to have really respectable jobs but it never lasts. (only a couple of months before i can’t stand it and quit). now all i do is lie in bed all day and sometimes work on the freelancing.
everyday i feel like a waste of space and i have only made minimal efforts to change before falling back to bad habits again. i constantly feel like nothing matters. i have a hard time holding down a long term friendship as well because i tend to drift away and isolate myself. i know i have frustrated several of my friends due to this.
my parent pushes me to get a normal job and i get irritated by that even though i understand where it’s coming from. she’s worried about how i never go outside. i think i’m mostly passive suicidal because i don’t want it to hurt. i wonder what is wrong with me…the self hatred and self victimizing feels too much for me and i genuinely believe that when i’m gone nothing will change because i don’t matter. i used to be so passionate for a certain field but now it feels like a chore.
is there a way to get out from this mindset? am i just an extremely lazy and bad person?
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Hey @loyalbasil8287,
I read through what you wrote a few times. It sounds like this has been building for quite some time. Not only with work, but also with how you see yourself now compared to before, and it feels heavy.
You shared that friendships tend to drift because you isolate yourself. When that happens repeatedly, people often start to blame themselves and conclude something is wrong with them. It is understandable that you feel frustrated with yourself and also irritated when your parent brings up getting a normal job.
I was concerned that you began to stay in bed most of the day, losing interest in things you once cared about, and start thinking of yourself as “lazy” or “a bad person,” This is often not about character, it appears that your low mood and long periods of stress has impacted your energy, motivation and interest. Hence your behaviour changes first, then the mind starts explaining it by criticising the self.
You also mentioned having passive suicidal thoughts, it would usually mean your emotional load has become very heavy. So do reach out to someone immediately:
SOS – 1767
National Mindline – 1771
The fact that you asked about getting out of this mindset suggests that a part of you is still trying to understand what is happening rather than giving up completely. Right now the first step is noticing the pattern and letting someone else understand what you are going through.
If I may ask, when you notice yourself drifting away from people or losing interest again, is it more like getting away from exhaustion, or more like feeling ashamed or overwhelmed? Even though it can feel very lonely while you are inside it, sometimes taking the next step just means slowing things down and letting someone walk through it with you.
hii, thank u for sharing!
the part about quitting jobs after a couple months, drifting from friends, and feeling like nothing matters doesnt really sound like laziness. instead, it could be that u got burnt out, and as a result u dont feel the same passion as before etc, and even basic things start to feel tiring.
about being passively suicidal, even if you do not want to hurt yourself now, those thoughts still matter. you deserve support right now, not only when things get worse. if you can, you can reach out to national mindline 1771 to talk to a counsellor, or use web chat or whatsapp.
if you want something you can try on your own first, mindline has self help resources here: https://mindline.sg/youth/resource-group/myself
and if you feel like you need help finding services that fit you, the service wayfinding tool is here: https://mindline.sg/youth/mental-health-service-providers/start