Dear @practicalwalrus7266
Thank you for reaching out. From your post, I can see that you are experiencing several major losses and sources of stress at the same time. You have not got the job you hoped for, are facing the possibility of rejection from your parents, feeling caught between your parents and your boyfriend, and questioning your own identity and confidence. I think that would be overwhelming for anyone.
To your credit, you have already shown a lot of insight into your patterns. You recognise that when you feel unsupported or rejected, you can spiral into thoughts that you’re unwanted, unloved, or undeserving of love. Being able to identify that pattern is an important first step, because it means you can begin to notice it happening rather than automatically accepting those thoughts as facts.
I also want to acknowledge that it makes sense that the threat of being disowned feels so painful. This is not only about disagreement over a relationship. It touches on a lifelong need for love, approval, belonging, and connection with your parents. Grieving the possibility that they may not support your choices is a very real loss.
At the same time, the fact that you are experiencing these thoughts and emotions does not mean you are actually unloved or alone. You have identified supportive people in your life, including your boyfriend and his family, even though the situation with your boyfriend also brings its own pressures and challenges. It may be helpful to explore with a counsellor on how to hold these difficult emotions without needing to act on them or use them as a measure of whether others care about you.
When thoughts of self-harm arise, I would encourage you to view them as a signal of emotional pain rather than evidence that you are unwanted. I gently recommend not to fuse with painful thoughts or feelings, but to learn to let them exist in the background without allowing them to dictate your actions. Like radio chatter, they may be present, but they do not have to control the direction you choose to take.
You are navigating an extremely difficult season of life, and the fact that you are reflecting on your patterns and actively seeking healthier coping strategies suggests that you are already moving in the right direction. The mindline website has several resources you can explore including self help strategies and community resources.
https://www.mindline.sg/mental-health-service-providers/start
https://www.mindline.sg/search
Do be kind to yourself, as you navigate through the circumstances faced. I recommend reaching out for support available soon and to choose actions that are guided by your values. 