My paternal grandma has been getting away with not taking care of herself by attributing it to her old age. She would often reason her ailing health as a reason to skip meals, exercise and sleep. She has been addicted to her devices and is now limiting social interactions with “real” people .
My father who is working from home, will often attend to her needs primarily because she approaches him rather than other members. But that doesn’t mean that, the others don’t help her. But my father, tends to satisfy her needs without second thought. For us, since we cannot make important decisions without my father’s input, we would often have to escalate matters to him even if my gran approaches us.
With this being the current case, my gran had been getting away with micromanaging us for years by dictating where and when I should study, where we should go for vacations and even whether we should circulate photos within our family group chat.
I have been establishing my boundaries more firmly mainly by prioritising my health and education before others.
Recently, when I suggested that I will no longer go to the library to study primarily, it became a big issue so much so I had pressure from my paternal aunt, and cousins to continue studying from the library. Why do I have to go to the library in the first place? It’s because I share my room with my grandma so anything I do will affect her “freedom”.
Now, I have been establishing better boundaries but sometimes my parents tend to guilt trip me when I tend to stick to them. For example, I use to retrieve my grandma’s glasses from the kitchen whenever she asks me to do so. But now I would tend to delay performing these type of favours often because I would not want to lose my momentum during my study sessions.
The big question is that are my parents and aunt good caretakers for my grandma? Should they be taking more authority to advise my grandma?
Hey @lovelychange
Reading how your grandma’s choices ripple through your whole routine, I can sense how draining it’s been… sharing your room, feeling like your space never really belonged to you. It’s understandable that your patience and empathy for her have become drained. When your needs keep being sidelined, it’s hard to keep caring in the same way.
You mentioned how your dad steps in right away whenever she asks. When you see that, does it feel like relief, or more like your voice disappears? almost like an unspoken rule: grandma decides → dad fulfils → everyone else just follows. Is that close to how it feels?
And those guilt trips over small things, like fetching her glasses… It’s not really about the glasses, right? It’s about the bigger message. That her comfort comes first, while your growth can wait. No wonder it hurts, almost as if your parents see you as “able to cope” so you don’t need the same protection.
Perhaps your question about whether your parents and aunt are good caretakers wasn’t the real one. It sounded more like longing, a wish that someone else would step in so you don’t have to carry both your studies and the family’s boundaries. When you wrote “taking more authority,” was it about your parents setting firmer limits with her, or about grandma finally listening without you being caught in the middle?
For now, maybe just hold back any judgement: about the boundaries you’ve been keeping; choosing your study, slowing down when you need, they are you trying to survive in a house where everyone’s needs pull at once. It’s hard when your care for her and your care for yourself feel like they can’t both exist… but they can, just not perfectly all the time. How do you feel about it?
haii, that sounds really hard :< it must feel so frustrating when your boundaries keep getting pushed even though you’re just trying to focus on your studies and health. but also, i think it’s really cool of you to stand your ground even when others guilt trip you!!
as for your parents + aunt, i guess they’re trying in their own way, but its not enough. it’s super not fair that you have to carry all that weight yourself 
maybe you could start by putting a sign on your door while studying, signalling that u don’t wanna be disturbed?
Thanks @FuYuan_Affections for your speedy reply! It breathed life into me.
Yes. It’s like she can just get away with not taking care of herself easily because of her old age. I’m honestly being stretched past my limits because I am technically younger than all the others.
Yes. They try to reason this behaviour by saying that she didn’t have access to such conveniences when she was young so her wants will take priority over my needs. Maybe they are just expecting me to transfer this trauma to my grandchildren
Technically yes. But I have started to prioritise my boundaries more than anyone else. So with that part sorted out, I’m just wondering whether my family members are caring for themselves at least.
They tend to control my decisions but not my grandma’s. Just because she got upset that she cannot use her devices as freely as before, she even went to India to stay at her brother’s place (which is also my maternal grandfather’s ) for 6 months. She even bursted her 21GB data limit over there, which my father had for his wfh arrangement overseas. It technically would have been valid for 6 months.Woh, my father was really shedding blood tears then! But still they satisfied her needs upon request. He even caused my grandfather to set up broadband connection, whose cost he absorbed. So, that’s how serious matters are.
With this being the case, I would be the only one who has to advocate for my studies. The fun fact is that, due to her excessive earpiece usage her hearing has deteriorated severely. She now cannot hear at lower volumes, and doesn’t seem to be using her earpieces. Now she is watching muted videos mainly YouTube shorts. I had to enforce my boundaries when I could no longer go to the library to study as frequently as before. After all my health, still has to last my lifetime.
I’m well aware about this. But I just don’t know what else I can do better to make both parties happy. Honestly, when I studied in the library during my poly days, these factors were out of my mind. But, my health got strained badly so I need to rest better. Technically, I can satisfy my needs from home, it’s just the others make too much of a fuss. I honestly reduce confronting her and prioritise my studies and health over anything. But it’s when my family members pressurise me to study somewhere else.
Nice idea! Maybe it can even be something funny to make things more light hearted!
Hey @lovelychange,
That line you wrote, “I’m just wondering whether my family members are caring for themselves at least”, it really shows how much you’ve been watching over everyone while still carrying your own studies and health, it is very obvious that you care alot for the family.
Reading through, it didn’t feel like neglect. More like your parents pouring energy into grandma where she shouts the loudest… but it doesn’t mean they don’t notice the way you quietly hold your ground. Sometimes parents don’t show it in front of the elder, but inside they may already know you’re coping the best way you can.
The way you’ve drawn your boundaries, protecting your study time, listening to your body, choosing rest, that’s not small. Many parents would see that and think: “my child is strong, my child can adapt.” maybe their faith in you is quieter than you hoped, but it could be just as steady.
I wonder… if you let yourself believe they have the same faith in you as you’re trying to have in them, would that ease some of the pressure? For now, holding on to the idea that care doesn’t always look equal, but faith can still be mutual, might give you some ground to stand on. It’s heartening to hear you doing your best and reduce confronting her and prioritise your studies and health over anything.
Maybe, when you find a chance in having some private time with both your parents, and share what you are genuinely feeling and expectations are… that may help ease your family members pressurising you to study somewhere else? How do you feel about this?