This might seem like a small issue because I’m sure everyone goes through academic stress or some sort of unhealthy relationship with food in a period of their lives but now that I’m experiencing it, I find it so…agitating that we just see it as something so common we’re expected to just move on. Like, all the stress, all the times my parents just say that my studies cannot make it or all the insultingly low expectations they have of me…am I just supposed to forget that once my o levels are over? We recently just got back our Chinese o level results and it was a miracle that I went from failing to a B3. It was the first time ever my mom felt positive about my results and she even said that ‘I have worked hard’ but way before that, when I was still studying for my Chinese and other subjects, all I remember was her talking about how I couldn’t make it, how I may not have put in the work to pass and how she thought I’d go ITE. Am I just supposed to forget that once everything is over all while she just switches up like she didn’t ever have faith in my studies?
Similarly with my ED, Im so tired of wanting to get worse and all I do is eat junk and I never get bad enough to be noticed. It’s like stuck in between. I think I didn’t want to get better because if I did, am I just supposed to quietly forget it even happened? Like…did I purge for nothing? Did I hide it so well that all I’m left is just to randomly decide to eat better like none of that emotional rollercoasters ever happened?
Was this ‘just a phase’?
Is this what people mean by ‘growing stronger’? You’d eventually have to just let it go and get better? Do we heal this way? Is this forgiving or just ignoring?
Hi @relaxingpumpkin7875 , thank you for sharing about how you have been feeling. What you are describing doesn’t sound small at all. The fact that it’s common doesn’t make it any less real or painful for you to experience it What you are feeling is valid, and I think the agitation also comes from the way people treat these situations just because they’re common and expect it to kind of ‘go away’ …
The part about your mum switching up after you received your results… I can hear why that would sting rather than feel good Her praise now does not undo the weight of the discouraging and hurtful words she said before. This can be something particularly isolating, when the person who hurt you just moves on, and you are left holding on to all of it while they behave as if it never happened. It makes sense that what she said now doesn’t sit right, because you are noticing a real inconsistency.
On the ED that you mentioned, I want to take that seriously. The feeling of being stuck in between is genuinely painful in its own way, and it doesn’t mean what you went through wasn’t real or serious. Purging is serious. The emotional weight you have been carrying around it is serious. Having to hide it must have been another layer of stress on top of what you are already managing…
Healing doesn’t mean having to pretend things didn’t happen and letting go is not the same as ignoring the hurt you have been through. At the same time, I do think these questions you have deserve more than just letting time pass, they deserve actual support and someone who can sit with you in it properly.
I was wondering if you have spoken to a counsellor or professional about your parents or the ED? Asking this because I can hear that these have been affecting you, and you have clearly been carrying a lot quietly…You deserve a space where that’s taken seriously.
Thanks for sharing about what you have been going through!
What you have described is not “small” at all - in fact our life challenges probably shouldn’t be measured by how large or trivial they are, since there’s really no real metrics to do so anyway!
I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve had to bear with comments like that, that invalidated your effort and only acknowledged the outcome. I imagine it’s even more painful to hear this from your loved one. I do hope you are taking a moment to really celebrate this win - it’s no easy feat to achieve this improvement! Working through communication with parents can be really difficult. Sometimes they don’t know how much their words hurt us; yet, it is important that we acknowledge the hurt we suffered and so no, you don’t have to forget about this very real experience of being invalidated. I wonder if there is space within your relationship with your mother to bring this up?
Thank you for also sharing about your journey with ED. It sounds like there is a huge inner struggle between getting better (it seems like something within yourself is fighting to get better and move on) and to continue with it to prove that this entire journey was real. I sense a deep pain of not being seen, and that incredible desire to leave something tangible just so you would be acknowledged. Could I suggest a short moment of reflection: what does it mean for you “to be noticed”? I also would like to encourage you to lean into the side that’s telling you to move forward Moving forward never negates the past steps - the way you’re moving forward is a unique imprint of what came before
In some ways, growth does require us to let go - not pretense that the past didn’t happen - it’s quite the opposite, we acknowledge the past and honour its impact on us, then we decide it no longer serves us. It is an act of agency and control over our own lives: we choose to move on.
Like @responsiblecantaloupe suggested, it might be really helpful to speak with a professional, perhaps a school counsellor or a teacher. You don’t have to bear this pain alone, and there are spaces and people who will witness it and support you along the journey
What you are feeling is valid, and I think the agitation also comes from the way people treat these situations just because they’re common and expect it to kind of ‘go away’ …
Moving forward never negates the past steps - the way you’re moving forward is a unique imprint of what came before 
